DEAR ABBY: The phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too," has always bothered me. I wonder why not? I do it all the time. I have my cake -- and then I eat it.

Recently I read somewhere that the correct phrase is "You can't eat your cake and have it too." This makes much more sense to me.

Which is the correct version? Abby, can you check this out? Sign me ... HAD MY CAKE, THEN ATE IT

DEAR HAD MY CAKE: I checked it out, and the second version is the correct one. Quote books attribute it first to Thomas Heywood in 1546. He wrote, "Wolde you bothe eate your cake, and haue your cake?"

Somewhat later (in 1633), George Herbert phrased the saying, "Wouldst thou both eat thy cake and have it?" This popular criticism was also variously rendered: "She was handsome in her time, but she cannot eat her cake and have her cake" (Swift, 1738); "You can't have your cake if you eat it" (J.R. Planche, 1871); and finally, "One cannot eat one's cake and have it, too" (T.H. Huxley, 1880).

Readers, have you had enough cake already? I have -- unless it's chocolate.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your recent column about insensitive comments to infertile couples:

What I would say is: "You are really fortunate. You can be free of the stresses and strains of parenthood, have sex without fear, concentrate on enjoying yourselves, save lots of money and retire early."

I am sure that would also be considered very insensitive, but as a man who is child-free by choice and wouldn't have it any other way, I have a hard time relating to the agonizing of infertile couples. -- CHARLES IN AUSTELL, GA.

DEAR CHARLES: Of course you are entitled to your opinion. However, I hope you've been vasectomized, because should you accidentally become a father, it would be a tragedy of triple proportions -- for you, the mother and the baby.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "About to Burst," regarding the secret of a child being given up for adoption:

When I was a teen-ager, I overheard my mother say, "I should tell the girls -- they always wanted a brother."

But when I confronted her, she denied ever having made that statement. Later, she said the story would be in her history to be read after her death.

She died last year at the age of 100, very alert until her death, still denying ever having made the "brother" statement. In her history, there is no reference to it.

In her Bible, we found a folded, yellowed clipping about a sailor who had died in Canada in World War I. The clipping was very worn. Her secret went with her. I, too, would like to have known another sibling.

When the World War I song "My Buddy" came on the radio, my mother always turned it off and cried.

I'm still yearning to know, but never will. -- A DAUGHTER, SPARKS, NEV.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year and a half. We're very much in love and agree on almost everything, but there is one issue upon which we disagree. It's the telephone. He says who he talks to and what they discuss is none of my business. I say he's wrong.

I was brought up to believe that if you are in a close relationship, you don't tell your partner that anything is "none of your business." Abby, I let him know who calls me without his asking. If he's the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and he keeps things from me, the marriage won't last.

He says if the conversation doesn't pertain to me -- or to our relationship -- he doesn't have to tell me who he's talking to. (There have been times when he's said that a "friend" called, or that he's talking to "one of his family members." But he doesn't use names.)

I feel this is sending out mixed signals.

Who is right and who is wrong? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN TENNESSEE

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There is wisdom in the very old ditty: "Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies." If he is talking on the telephone to a friend or relative and the content of his conversation doesn't have anything to do with you or your relationship with him, it is none of your business. However, when you question him and he refuses to give you a straight answer, it is bound to raise questions and create suspicions.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Recent Divorcee, Nauvoo, Ala.," the woman who experienced the painful loss of her family and friends after her divorce, was excellent.

She had learned in a divorce support group that this "abandonment" is a common experience among divorced women. I thought it might help "Recent Divorcee" to know that abandonment is not associated exclusively with divorce. It's also a common occurrence when a person suffers a terminal illness.

Those of us who have received this treatment refer to it as "ghost syndrome." It's as if we have already died! We disappear from the guest lists of friends planning parties, and it seems as though our names have been erased from their phonebooks.

I realize this may be a defense mechanism for many people, a way of easing the grief that awaits them. For others, confronting serious illness makes them too mindful of their own mortality.

Fortunately for me, my family was open enough to realize they had been inadvertently inching me out of their lives. I have been less blessed with my "friends." Only one close friend has stuck by me. But I have resolved to initiate new friendships. People who are uncomfortable with my limited future are not the kind I need to be spending my time with anyway.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a wonderful husband and terrific children. My heart goes out to those who are more alone than I.

As you wisely advised "Recent Divorcee," when something catastrophic changes your life -- like divorce, the death of a loved one, or having to face your own mortality -- it's time to adjust and rebuild. With effort, we can find ways to turn a bad situation into something better. I wish her the best in doing so. -- SHIRLEY GRANDAHL, WINDSOR LOCKS, CONN.

DEAR SHIRLEY: Your attitude in the light of such challenging circumstances is impressive. Perhaps your letter will help "Divorcee" and others to view the unexpected changes in their lives more positively. God bless you and your family.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHINESE READERS: Gung Hay Fat Choy! (Happy New Year!)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: I received many gratifying thank-you letters from those who were a part of Operation Dear Abby '95. Some samples:

DEAR ABBY: I am a chaplain with the Third Battalion, Twelfth Marine Division on Okinawa, Japan. I was very moved a few days ago as numerous letters and packages were delivered for "Any Service Member." I would like to thank all those who participated in that wonderful program.

It is true that the holidays can be difficult when we are away from home, but such an outpouring of affection from the American public makes us realize how important our jobs are. The average age of the Marines I minister to is 19. Most have just graduated from high school within the past year. You can imagine the adjustment that's necessary for teen-agers to spend this time of year away from their families.

All you have done through our Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers campaign is greatly appreciated. Please keep all of your service members around the world in your prayers this year. God bless. -- LT. FREDERICK A. MC GUFFIN, CHC, U.S. NAVY

DEAR ABBY: Once again, Operation Dear Abby has lifted the spirits of those in the military who are far from home during the holidays. This past week almost every soldier in my unit found a card or letter in his or her mailbox.

This is the first time I have received a card through your program. I am from Sioux City, Iowa, and have been in the Army for 17 years.

Our heartfelt thanks to you, Abby, and to all of your fantastic readers who took the time to write. -- A THANKFUL SOLDIER, TAEGU, KOREA

DEAR ABBY: Regarding Operation Dear Abby, I want to thank you for giving your readers the APO addresses for our servicemen and women overseas.

Since we live in Annapolis, Md., and are involved with the sponsor program at the Naval Academy, I decided to mail a box of goodies to the South Pacific APO.

Well, today we received a wonderful gift -- it was a letter of thanks from the crew of the Submarine Group Seven. It was signed by all the officers and crew, who expressed their appreciation for the Christmas package.

I shall continue to write to them and, in a month or so, I'll mail them another box of goodies.

God bless you, Abby, for allowing civilians to do something nice for the dedicated young men and women who serve our country. -- LOUISA AND SHELDON NOBLE, ANNAPOLIS, MD.

DEAR LOUISA, SHELDON, CHAPLAIN MC GUFFIN AND "A THANKFUL SOLDIER": Thank you for the kind words, but the credit belongs to my readers who work so diligently every year to make this project such an overwhelming success.

CONFIDENTIAL TO SICK AT HEART IN SOUTH BEND: It's time to stop grieving and start living. Your problem reminds me of an old Chinese tale: "One tear met another tear floating down the river. Said the first tear, 'I am the tear of the woman who lost her love.' The other tear replied, 'And I am the tear of the woman who got him.'"

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)