DEAR ABBY: My son (if he is still alive) will soon be 33. We have not heard from him in nearly five years. The pain of not knowing if he is OK is nearly unbearable. Sometimes I still break down and cry.

Nothing happens in our family that cannot be forgiven. I long to see his face or to hear his voice again. I have been to a counselor; I bought a book on finding lost people; I checked with the police for his driver's license, etc. I do not know where else to turn.

Last Christmas, I shopped for a needy child. It helped, but my heart is still heavy when I think of my son.

Now, when the subject of children comes up, I just tell the truth and say, "He left five years ago and I don't know whether he's alive or dead." Abby, it's painful to think about him.

I urge those who have separated themselves from their families to get in touch with them. You need not say where you are. You may think your family stops caring after a while, but that's not so. I'll never stop hurting. And I'll never stop hoping. In fact, sign me ... HURTING AND HOPING, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR HURTING: I'm hopeful your son will read your letter, recognize himself and contact you. Companies that perform computer search services may be able to locate your son. (They are listed in the Yellow Pages under "Information Specialists," "Information Brokers" or "Searchers of Public Records.")

Meanwhile, continue helping others: Participate in a community program for children in need, volunteer to read to children or teach a children's class at the library. Most hospital nurseries need volunteers to comfort sick infants. God bless you. I wish you well.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently divorced and moved to Florida. In order to pay my mortgage, I work two jobs. This leaves me with very little time for maintenance or yard work. I was relieved when the weeds didn't overrun my yard as I had feared they would because of the climate.

Yesterday I made an unscheduled trip home in the middle of my workday. As I entered my driveway, I saw in a flash the reason why the weeds had not taken over my yard. There was my 86-year-old neighbor on his hands and knees pulling my weeds!

Abby, I barely know this nice man and his wife, and yet here he was weeding my yard. He was very embarrassed to be caught in this anonymous act of kindness.

How's that for a terrific neighbor? -- MELISSA HANSEN, FORT MYERS, FLA.

DEAR MELISSA: Congratulations -- you lucked out in the neighbor department. Does he have a brother who wants to move to California?

DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine who now lives out of town stayed at my home the other night. She slept in the nude. When I asked her why, she told me it was healthier to sleep that way. Also, she sleeps better, and it's much more comfortable.

I have slept in the nude on a few occasions and would start doing it regularly if it is indeed healthier. Is it? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR WONDERING: If it has been proven that sleeping in the nude is healthier, I am not aware of it. The only possible advantage: There would be no pajamas or nightgowns to launder.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Illinois Reader," who cares for her bedridden husband, requested that friends who run into her at the grocery store or beauty shop not ask her about her husband, but instead talk about other, lighter topics.

It's often hard for friends and acquaintances to know just what to say in situations like this. Sometimes people are hurt when friends DON'T inquire about an ailing loved one.

My suggestion to her is to give a brief, polite reply about her husband and then turn the conversation around and ask how the other person's children are doing. Mention she'd like to rent a movie, and ask if they've seen any good ones lately. Most people welcome the chance to talk about something more positive, and this lets them know that it's OK. -- OHIO READER

DEAR OHIO READER: Your suggestions can make even the briefest encounter a moment of respite for those who need it most. Thank you for sharing them. I received many compassionate letters from readers offering to share their tips for coping with the stress of caring for invalids at home. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was moved when I read the letter from "Illinois Reader." That letter could have been written by me.

In 1977, my husband was diagnosed with an incurable, degenerative illness. By 1986, he was wheelchair-bound. I was his sole caregiver, and in 1989 when my husband could no longer be left alone, I had to retire in order to care for him.

When I turned 50, I realized I was only existing, not living. People no longer recognized me unless I was behind my husband's wheelchair. I was angry at my life, my church and my husband's family. I finally sought the counseling my daughters had been urging me to get.

I want "Illinois" to know that help is available. Caregivers deserve a life as much as the sick person for whom they are caring. I had become a widow with a living husband. A widow receives emotional support, and that's exactly what I needed.

Today I am the manager of my husband's illness, but no longer a victim of it. He is still at home (now on feeding tubes), but I have help -- nurses and aides -- and he will remain at home. However, I, too, have to live while he is alive and not wait until he is gone -- because now is the time for the living, and now is all I have. -- ELKE MCALEXANDER, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: May I address this to the "Bride-to-Be" whose father had a "terrible-looking" mouth? (He was missing several teeth in front; some had rotted away, leaving only stubby roots, etc.)

I know this is an exciting time for you and you want your wedding to be perfect, but please be thankful that your father will be present at your wedding.

I lost my dad when I was 19. Eleven years later, I married the love of my life. How I wish my father could have been there. However, my mother participated in my wedding. Like your father, Mom had dental problems. She had had all her teeth removed and was fitted with dentures, which she never wore more than 10 minutes because they were very uncomfortable.

I asked Mom to please wear her dentures on my wedding day. She wore them for a little while, then said she couldn't stand the "darned things," so she went to the ladies room, removed the dentures and put them in her purse.

Now I realize that whether she wore her dentures or not was very unimportant. -- A PROUD BRIDE

DEAR PROUD BRIDE: Your parents obviously raised you with a healthy sense of values. I wish you every happiness.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Valentine's Day one and all -- and what better day to haul out my annual valentine to you, my Ten Commandments of Love!

Yes, Dear Readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. But it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers -- I steal only from the best! One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself. At least that's what the Good Book says.

I originally wrote two sets of commandments: one for men and one for women. Then I received a letter from Mandy Stillman, a lawyer and early feminist from Milwaukee, demanding equal rights for women and insisting that there be only one set of commandments.

She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. Your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your children. The most precious gift a parent can give is time.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true and forsake all others.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up and bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Go through your closets and give all those clothes you've been saving until you lose 10 pounds to your favorite charity. Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or, better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch ... or to run some errands for you ... or to give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking, watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)