DEAR ABBY: "Illinois Reader," who cares for her bedridden husband, requested that friends who run into her at the grocery store or beauty shop not ask her about her husband, but instead talk about other, lighter topics.

It's often hard for friends and acquaintances to know just what to say in situations like this. Sometimes people are hurt when friends DON'T inquire about an ailing loved one.

My suggestion to her is to give a brief, polite reply about her husband and then turn the conversation around and ask how the other person's children are doing. Mention she'd like to rent a movie, and ask if they've seen any good ones lately. Most people welcome the chance to talk about something more positive, and this lets them know that it's OK. -- OHIO READER

DEAR OHIO READER: Your suggestions can make even the briefest encounter a moment of respite for those who need it most. Thank you for sharing them. I received many compassionate letters from readers offering to share their tips for coping with the stress of caring for invalids at home. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was moved when I read the letter from "Illinois Reader." That letter could have been written by me.

In 1977, my husband was diagnosed with an incurable, degenerative illness. By 1986, he was wheelchair-bound. I was his sole caregiver, and in 1989 when my husband could no longer be left alone, I had to retire in order to care for him.

When I turned 50, I realized I was only existing, not living. People no longer recognized me unless I was behind my husband's wheelchair. I was angry at my life, my church and my husband's family. I finally sought the counseling my daughters had been urging me to get.

I want "Illinois" to know that help is available. Caregivers deserve a life as much as the sick person for whom they are caring. I had become a widow with a living husband. A widow receives emotional support, and that's exactly what I needed.

Today I am the manager of my husband's illness, but no longer a victim of it. He is still at home (now on feeding tubes), but I have help -- nurses and aides -- and he will remain at home. However, I, too, have to live while he is alive and not wait until he is gone -- because now is the time for the living, and now is all I have. -- ELKE MCALEXANDER, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: May I address this to the "Bride-to-Be" whose father had a "terrible-looking" mouth? (He was missing several teeth in front; some had rotted away, leaving only stubby roots, etc.)

I know this is an exciting time for you and you want your wedding to be perfect, but please be thankful that your father will be present at your wedding.

I lost my dad when I was 19. Eleven years later, I married the love of my life. How I wish my father could have been there. However, my mother participated in my wedding. Like your father, Mom had dental problems. She had had all her teeth removed and was fitted with dentures, which she never wore more than 10 minutes because they were very uncomfortable.

I asked Mom to please wear her dentures on my wedding day. She wore them for a little while, then said she couldn't stand the "darned things," so she went to the ladies room, removed the dentures and put them in her purse.

Now I realize that whether she wore her dentures or not was very unimportant. -- A PROUD BRIDE

DEAR PROUD BRIDE: Your parents obviously raised you with a healthy sense of values. I wish you every happiness.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Valentine's Day one and all -- and what better day to haul out my annual valentine to you, my Ten Commandments of Love!

Yes, Dear Readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. But it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers -- I steal only from the best! One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself. At least that's what the Good Book says.

I originally wrote two sets of commandments: one for men and one for women. Then I received a letter from Mandy Stillman, a lawyer and early feminist from Milwaukee, demanding equal rights for women and insisting that there be only one set of commandments.

She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. Your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your children. The most precious gift a parent can give is time.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true and forsake all others.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up and bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Go through your closets and give all those clothes you've been saving until you lose 10 pounds to your favorite charity. Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or, better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch ... or to run some errands for you ... or to give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking, watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a profound sense of guilt writing this letter, because the friend I describe is a marvelous mother, a devoted grandmother, and a smart, generous and thoroughly delightful woman. The problem? Her appearance and personal grooming are her lowest priorities. When we are together (especially in public), I find myself being silently critical and embarrassed.

She lives out of town and visits me twice a year for two or three weeks. On her last visit, she brought clothes I've seen her wear for 20 years: torn skirts, stained blouses, and scuffed and worn shoes. When she entered my home, she kicked off her shoes. Barefoot, her feet were dirty, including her toenails, and she seemed oblivious to anything but her own comfort.

This has nothing to do with money. She is well-fixed financially, travels extensively, has exquisite jewelry, etc. When I offer to take her shopping, she replies, "What for? I have plenty of everything I need."

I love her dearly and wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world. Abby, have you -- or any of your wise readers -- any suggestions on how to deal with this? Frankly, I don't think she'll ever change, and I question if I can change my discomfort with her appearance. -- UP A TREE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR UP A TREE: If you want the situation to change, hinting isn't going to do it. Your friend needs to be told to clean up her act, buy a few new duds, and get a pedicure before she goes shoeless in public.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the question raised by Polly Schrock regarding the longevity of persons celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary and each living to an age of more than 100 years: There's such a couple in my family.

My grandfather's younger brother, William Wonder Wellman, was born on Feb. 3, 1873. Elsa Casebier was born on April 9, 1877. They married on Dec. 31, 1899, and had five children who grew to adulthood. William and Elsa had been married 76 years at the time of his death on Jan. 9, 1976 -- one month short of his 103rd birthday. Elsa died in August of 1979 at the age of 102.

I visited the Wellmans in 1971. At that time, they were living in their own home. William was 98, and he was growing tomatoes and still mowing his own lawn (with a push mower). At the insistence of his children, he had quit driving five years earlier. When I arrived, he had finished painting his neighbors' garage -- a task he'd sought to keep himself busy.

What a blessing to have health of mind and body. -- RICHARD WELLMAN, SEAFORD, DEL.

DEAR RICHARD: I agree. And what a blessing to have readers like you to share such uplifting stories.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the 62-year-old retired widower, who declined an introduction to a lady because she was a smoker, really got my attention. Where is this man? We need him in Atlanta!

I'm a 53-year-old, single, childless, professional female in search of a good man who dislikes cigarette smoke. I've lived and worked in Atlanta for 30 years and have never found a decent, honest, financially secure "significant other." (And this goes for most of my girlfriends, mainly teachers, who are now retiring.)

Abby, if you have the space, please mention Atlanta as the ideal place for men to retire. We're only four hours from the ocean. Thanks. -- S.P. IN ATLANTA

DEAR S.P.: You're welcome; consider it done. But you failed to mention the 1996 Summer Olympics, another attraction to your fair city. Perhaps you'll find romance in the "No Smoking" section.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)