DEAR READERS: Happy Valentine's Day one and all -- and what better day to haul out my annual valentine to you, my Ten Commandments of Love!

Yes, Dear Readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. But it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers -- I steal only from the best! One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself. At least that's what the Good Book says.

I originally wrote two sets of commandments: one for men and one for women. Then I received a letter from Mandy Stillman, a lawyer and early feminist from Milwaukee, demanding equal rights for women and insisting that there be only one set of commandments.

She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. Your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your children. The most precious gift a parent can give is time.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true and forsake all others.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up and bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Go through your closets and give all those clothes you've been saving until you lose 10 pounds to your favorite charity. Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or, better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch ... or to run some errands for you ... or to give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking, watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a profound sense of guilt writing this letter, because the friend I describe is a marvelous mother, a devoted grandmother, and a smart, generous and thoroughly delightful woman. The problem? Her appearance and personal grooming are her lowest priorities. When we are together (especially in public), I find myself being silently critical and embarrassed.

She lives out of town and visits me twice a year for two or three weeks. On her last visit, she brought clothes I've seen her wear for 20 years: torn skirts, stained blouses, and scuffed and worn shoes. When she entered my home, she kicked off her shoes. Barefoot, her feet were dirty, including her toenails, and she seemed oblivious to anything but her own comfort.

This has nothing to do with money. She is well-fixed financially, travels extensively, has exquisite jewelry, etc. When I offer to take her shopping, she replies, "What for? I have plenty of everything I need."

I love her dearly and wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world. Abby, have you -- or any of your wise readers -- any suggestions on how to deal with this? Frankly, I don't think she'll ever change, and I question if I can change my discomfort with her appearance. -- UP A TREE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR UP A TREE: If you want the situation to change, hinting isn't going to do it. Your friend needs to be told to clean up her act, buy a few new duds, and get a pedicure before she goes shoeless in public.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the question raised by Polly Schrock regarding the longevity of persons celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary and each living to an age of more than 100 years: There's such a couple in my family.

My grandfather's younger brother, William Wonder Wellman, was born on Feb. 3, 1873. Elsa Casebier was born on April 9, 1877. They married on Dec. 31, 1899, and had five children who grew to adulthood. William and Elsa had been married 76 years at the time of his death on Jan. 9, 1976 -- one month short of his 103rd birthday. Elsa died in August of 1979 at the age of 102.

I visited the Wellmans in 1971. At that time, they were living in their own home. William was 98, and he was growing tomatoes and still mowing his own lawn (with a push mower). At the insistence of his children, he had quit driving five years earlier. When I arrived, he had finished painting his neighbors' garage -- a task he'd sought to keep himself busy.

What a blessing to have health of mind and body. -- RICHARD WELLMAN, SEAFORD, DEL.

DEAR RICHARD: I agree. And what a blessing to have readers like you to share such uplifting stories.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the 62-year-old retired widower, who declined an introduction to a lady because she was a smoker, really got my attention. Where is this man? We need him in Atlanta!

I'm a 53-year-old, single, childless, professional female in search of a good man who dislikes cigarette smoke. I've lived and worked in Atlanta for 30 years and have never found a decent, honest, financially secure "significant other." (And this goes for most of my girlfriends, mainly teachers, who are now retiring.)

Abby, if you have the space, please mention Atlanta as the ideal place for men to retire. We're only four hours from the ocean. Thanks. -- S.P. IN ATLANTA

DEAR S.P.: You're welcome; consider it done. But you failed to mention the 1996 Summer Olympics, another attraction to your fair city. Perhaps you'll find romance in the "No Smoking" section.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I've read your column for years and you are usually "right on," but in a recent column you goofed royally.

A teen-aged girl was invited to a baby shower by the mother of one of her young friends. The girl's grandmother advised her not to attend the shower because the pregnant friend was unmarried. The girl asked for your advice, and you advised her to go to the shower because the baby needed gifts whether the mother was married or not.

Abby, I think there's a bigger picture to consider here than whether or not the baby needed things. A baby shower is a party celebrating the future arrival of a baby. In attending such a party, the guests are honoring the mother and celebrating the coming event. In my opinion, an unwed teen-aged mother hasn't anything to celebrate.

How does one earn the privilege to be a parent?

1. Complete your education.

2. Work for several years to save some money.

3. Get married at a reasonable time -- not in your teens.

4. Wait at least a year before getting pregnant to be sure the marriage will last.

Our society has supported unwed mothers for two or three decades. Now look at the epidemic we have. I don't suggest shunning these girls, but my attitude is: "This is a problem you created; now you and your family will have to handle it."

As a schoolteacher, I see babies born to girls who are neither emotionally nor financially able to handle motherhood.

Through the years, when I've been invited to baby showers for unwed mothers, I politely decline. I've never felt guilt and the people about whom I really care have respected me for declining.

If one of my grandchildren ever became an unwed parent, I would never put my friends on the spot by inviting them to a baby shower. And if their friends gave one, I would send a gift but would not attend. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: Judging from the feedback, more readers agreed with your point of view than with mine:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to the girl about whether it's improper to hold a baby shower for an unwed mother is way off base.

A baby shower is a celebration first and a financial event second.

When someone they know is involved in a tragic car accident, friends typically give extensive contributions of food, services and other assistance to the family. But they don't do it in the form of a celebratory party.

A baby whose mother is an unwed high school girl, and whose father doesn't want to accept any responsibility, is a tragedy -- not a cause for celebration.

If friends of the girl want to help out financially, fine. But don't do so in the "isn't it wonderful" atmosphere that accompanies a baby shower. -- CAROL SANDERS, SAN DIEGO

DEAR CAROL: Perhaps an unwed mother doesn't "deserve" a baby shower in the form of a celebration -- but she needs it more than the married mother who has everything going for her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)