DEAR ABBY: I have a profound sense of guilt writing this letter, because the friend I describe is a marvelous mother, a devoted grandmother, and a smart, generous and thoroughly delightful woman. The problem? Her appearance and personal grooming are her lowest priorities. When we are together (especially in public), I find myself being silently critical and embarrassed.

She lives out of town and visits me twice a year for two or three weeks. On her last visit, she brought clothes I've seen her wear for 20 years: torn skirts, stained blouses, and scuffed and worn shoes. When she entered my home, she kicked off her shoes. Barefoot, her feet were dirty, including her toenails, and she seemed oblivious to anything but her own comfort.

This has nothing to do with money. She is well-fixed financially, travels extensively, has exquisite jewelry, etc. When I offer to take her shopping, she replies, "What for? I have plenty of everything I need."

I love her dearly and wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world. Abby, have you -- or any of your wise readers -- any suggestions on how to deal with this? Frankly, I don't think she'll ever change, and I question if I can change my discomfort with her appearance. -- UP A TREE DOWN SOUTH

DEAR UP A TREE: If you want the situation to change, hinting isn't going to do it. Your friend needs to be told to clean up her act, buy a few new duds, and get a pedicure before she goes shoeless in public.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the question raised by Polly Schrock regarding the longevity of persons celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary and each living to an age of more than 100 years: There's such a couple in my family.

My grandfather's younger brother, William Wonder Wellman, was born on Feb. 3, 1873. Elsa Casebier was born on April 9, 1877. They married on Dec. 31, 1899, and had five children who grew to adulthood. William and Elsa had been married 76 years at the time of his death on Jan. 9, 1976 -- one month short of his 103rd birthday. Elsa died in August of 1979 at the age of 102.

I visited the Wellmans in 1971. At that time, they were living in their own home. William was 98, and he was growing tomatoes and still mowing his own lawn (with a push mower). At the insistence of his children, he had quit driving five years earlier. When I arrived, he had finished painting his neighbors' garage -- a task he'd sought to keep himself busy.

What a blessing to have health of mind and body. -- RICHARD WELLMAN, SEAFORD, DEL.

DEAR RICHARD: I agree. And what a blessing to have readers like you to share such uplifting stories.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the 62-year-old retired widower, who declined an introduction to a lady because she was a smoker, really got my attention. Where is this man? We need him in Atlanta!

I'm a 53-year-old, single, childless, professional female in search of a good man who dislikes cigarette smoke. I've lived and worked in Atlanta for 30 years and have never found a decent, honest, financially secure "significant other." (And this goes for most of my girlfriends, mainly teachers, who are now retiring.)

Abby, if you have the space, please mention Atlanta as the ideal place for men to retire. We're only four hours from the ocean. Thanks. -- S.P. IN ATLANTA

DEAR S.P.: You're welcome; consider it done. But you failed to mention the 1996 Summer Olympics, another attraction to your fair city. Perhaps you'll find romance in the "No Smoking" section.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I've read your column for years and you are usually "right on," but in a recent column you goofed royally.

A teen-aged girl was invited to a baby shower by the mother of one of her young friends. The girl's grandmother advised her not to attend the shower because the pregnant friend was unmarried. The girl asked for your advice, and you advised her to go to the shower because the baby needed gifts whether the mother was married or not.

Abby, I think there's a bigger picture to consider here than whether or not the baby needed things. A baby shower is a party celebrating the future arrival of a baby. In attending such a party, the guests are honoring the mother and celebrating the coming event. In my opinion, an unwed teen-aged mother hasn't anything to celebrate.

How does one earn the privilege to be a parent?

1. Complete your education.

2. Work for several years to save some money.

3. Get married at a reasonable time -- not in your teens.

4. Wait at least a year before getting pregnant to be sure the marriage will last.

Our society has supported unwed mothers for two or three decades. Now look at the epidemic we have. I don't suggest shunning these girls, but my attitude is: "This is a problem you created; now you and your family will have to handle it."

As a schoolteacher, I see babies born to girls who are neither emotionally nor financially able to handle motherhood.

Through the years, when I've been invited to baby showers for unwed mothers, I politely decline. I've never felt guilt and the people about whom I really care have respected me for declining.

If one of my grandchildren ever became an unwed parent, I would never put my friends on the spot by inviting them to a baby shower. And if their friends gave one, I would send a gift but would not attend. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: Judging from the feedback, more readers agreed with your point of view than with mine:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to the girl about whether it's improper to hold a baby shower for an unwed mother is way off base.

A baby shower is a celebration first and a financial event second.

When someone they know is involved in a tragic car accident, friends typically give extensive contributions of food, services and other assistance to the family. But they don't do it in the form of a celebratory party.

A baby whose mother is an unwed high school girl, and whose father doesn't want to accept any responsibility, is a tragedy -- not a cause for celebration.

If friends of the girl want to help out financially, fine. But don't do so in the "isn't it wonderful" atmosphere that accompanies a baby shower. -- CAROL SANDERS, SAN DIEGO

DEAR CAROL: Perhaps an unwed mother doesn't "deserve" a baby shower in the form of a celebration -- but she needs it more than the married mother who has everything going for her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I worked for the Yellow Cab Co. in Los Angeles. One Saturday, when our complaint department was closed, I received a call from a famous movie star. It went like this:

"Hello ... this is Jimmy Stewart. You know, I'm not hurting for money, but it's the principle of the thing that makes me mad. One of your cab drivers just ripped me off for a $20 dollar bill. You know how you'd feel if it were you."

I agreed with him and took down the necessary information. I'd hardly started to write up the complaint when Jimmy Stewart called back, all excited.

"I hope you haven't already turned in that complaint ... The driver didn't do it; it was one of these jokers with me who thought he was being funny."

Jimmy Stewart has always been one of my favorite actors, and to me, this just made him a more beautiful human being. So many people call in with complaints and never bother to correct them after they get the driver in trouble.

I hope Jimmy Stewart lives forever. We need people like him in this world. -- DOROTHY R. CASSIDY, LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR DOROTHY: I agree. My earliest recollection of Jimmy Stewart was during World War II when this handsome Princeton graduate took officer's training at the U.S. air base in Sioux City, Iowa -- my hometown.

For all his celebrity status, he made a wonderful impression on the townspeople as an Air Force captain who eventually achieved the rank of brigadier general.

After the war, Jimmy resumed his career as an actor, collecting more awards than I can enumerate here.

Suffice it to say that his favorite role was "devoted husband of Gloria," whom he married in 1949. Sadly, she died last year.

Jimmy Stewart is greatly admired by all who have the good fortune to know him.

DEAR ABBY: When you answered the letter from "Homemaker Wannabe," you noted that employers are beginning to offer flexible schedules to working women.

The Labor Department actively encourages employers to set up such programs. The "Working Women Count Honor Roll" recognizes employers (with a certificate signed by the labor secretary) who make life easier for their female employees through programs that compensate women fairly, make the workplace family-friendly, and value the work that women do.

Think of the difference in working women's lives if every employer in the country pledged to start one program. Programs can range from elaborate (such as in-house day-care centers) to simple (allowing employees four hours off per year to attend school functions). And, of course, programs that help women also help men.

Interested employers and employees can contact the Labor Department at 1-800-827-5335 for a brochure explaining the Working Women Count Honor Roll and a pledge card. -- MARION HANSEN, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR MARION HANSEN: Thank you for an informative letter and for sending me the brochure, which points out that the explosion in the number of working women is one of the defining trends of the 20th century. Today, women make up almost half the entire workforce in the United States. A recent study shows that 99 percent of women will work for pay at some time in their lives.

Because of this, the Women's Bureau of the U.S. Department of Labor invites employers nationwide to join a new initiative recognizing employers, organizations and others who implement policies and practices that value the work women do.

Businesses, unions and non-profit organizations (public and private, local and national) can apply for the Honor Roll if they undertake or have recently started a program or policy that improves the lives of women workers in concrete ways.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)