DEAR ABBY: I lost my mother several months ago after a lengthy illness. She and Dad had a beautiful marriage that spanned almost 50 years. I never heard them say an angry word to each other.

While sorting through some of Mother's papers, I came across the enclosed "Rules for a Happy Marriage." I don't know where she got it or how long she had it, but the list contains some excellent advice. I hope you'll think it's worth sharing with your readers. -- MARLENE'S DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: I do. Thank you for sending it.

RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Never both be angry at the same time.

2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

3. If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate.

4. If you must criticize, do it lovingly.

5. Never bring up mistakes of the past.

6. Neglect the whole world rather than each other.

7. Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.

8. At least once every day say a kind or complimentary word to your life partner.

9. When you have done something wrong, admit it and ask for forgiveness.

10. It takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong usually is the one who does the most talking.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, our 4-year-old daughter, "Betsy," and I went to my in-laws' for dinner recently. Within 30 minutes of our arrival, my mother-in-law had called her husband "stupid" and "dummy." Everyone heard it, including Betsy. Now, she uses those words when speaking of her grandfather.

My wife tolerates her mother's behavior, but I find it humiliating to witness. At home I am able to discipline Betsy, but I don't want to have to discipline her when she's at her grandmother's.

I have mentioned this to my in-laws on several occasions, but the situation recurs. We live only a few blocks from them and frequently eat together. Should we sell our house and move 10 or 20 miles away? -- A FATHER IN TACOMA

DEAR FATHER: Moving should not be necessary. Talk to your mother-in-law again, and make it clear that her name-calling sets a very bad example for her grandchild. If your suggestion falls on deaf ears and she continues the name-calling, just limit your daughter's exposure to her grandmother.

DEAR READERS: Concerning finding a mate: Friends of Edna Ferber, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, could not understand why she had remained single over the years.

"Surely, you must have met someone you would have married," suggested a friend.

"I have," admitted the famed novelist, "and I met one man who would have married me ... but unfortunately it wasn't the same man."

HIGHWAY SNOBBERY: "In Boston, they ask, 'How much does he know?' In New York, they ask, 'How much is he worth?' In Philadelphia, they ask, 'Who were his parents?'" -- MARK TWAIN

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

ed.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother is very hard to talk to, but she reads your column faithfully, so maybe she will recognize herself. Mother wonders why I enjoy spending so much time with my in-laws. Here are a few reasons:

My in-laws do not criticize me every time they see me. They don't say I look fat, my clothes are not appropriate or my hairstyle is outdated. My in-laws don't point out everything I do wrong with my children; they say I'm doing a good job and I should be proud of myself. (I am.)

My in-laws understand when I have to split holidays between them and my parents. They actually enjoy spending time with their grandchildren -- attending ball games, school plays and kids' birthday parties, and they don't act like it's a burden or an annoyance to baby-sit. Most of all, they listen when I talk.

Abby, I would give anything to have a good relationship with my parents. Believe me, I've tried, but they are so self-righteous and set in their own ways, they really don't know me. Even though we live very close to them and see them often, I still feel like I'm a million miles away.

Thanks for listening, Abby. I just thought instead of crying this time, I'd share my thoughts with you. Maybe other readers have gone through this, too. -- DEPRESSED DAUGHTER

DEAR DEPRESSED: On the chance that your mother misses this column, it might be a good idea for you to READ it to her. She needs to hear from you how hurt you are ... and why.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the comments made by Dr. Charles F. Downen and Kimberly Carter regarding "Defensive Driver in International Falls, Minn."

I am one of those careless smokers who toss cigarette butts out of the car window. Usually it's because I am driving. To avoid taking my eyes off the road while putting my cigarette out, I simply toss it from my window.

Until today, I never considered that my actions could be harmful to others. But thanks to you and your commitment in allowing readers to share their experiences through your column, I am now aware of my irresponsible behavior.

To all my fellow drivers, I say, "I'm sorry."

Drivers who complain about cigarette butts are not "hatemongers" -- they are people with a genuine concern for the safety of themselves and others.

I hope other drivers with the same habit realize the possible consequences and refrain from this behavior. You may use my name ... MICHELLE MDODANA, VAN NUYS, CALIF.

DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you for your honest letter. I, too, hope that drivers who carelessly toss cigarette butts will realize how dangerous this habit can be.

DEAR ABBY: Your Clovis reader's mother-in-law had the right idea when she had everyone sign and date the holiday tablecloth.

My parents do the same, and every time a special family dinner occurs, the tablecloth is spread! New guests add their names and the date. (No fair signing twice!)

You should see it now! It's more embroidered than white, and it's a delight to reminisce over 30 years of family reunions. -- KEITH ENSMINGER, MERCED, CALIF.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a formal wedding where I witnessed something I thought was outrageous. When it came time for the bride to toss her bouquet, the bride's grandmother, who is well into her 70s, shoved the bridesmaids and young cousins of the bride aside and caught the bridal bouquet. Everyone was bewildered!

When it came time for the groom to toss the bride's garter, none of the young men tried to catch it, so it fell to the floor.

One young man was coaxed into picking it up and placing the garter on Grandma's leg. Obviously embarrassed, he put it on up to her knee when Grandma urged him to go higher until it reached her thigh. (Yes, she was sober.)

When one of the bridesmaids reminded Grandma that tossing the bouquet was a ritual intended for the young unmarried girls, Grandma shouted, "Well, I'm single!" Everyone applauded.

Abby, what do you think of Grandma's behavior? -- NEW JERSEY READER

DEAR READER: I think it was outrageous and inappropriate, although it did add some unforgettable frivolity to the wedding. (Are you sure Grandma was sober?)

DEAR ABBY: Unless you are willing to state unequivocally that the books and magazines you read and the movies you saw in your youth did not affect the way you conducted yourself, then your statement, "It's unrealistic to hold the media responsible for your daughter's morality ..." is unrealistic.

When I was a teen-ager, the movies and what I read had some influence on my behavior toward others. Today we see raw sex on TV as early as 7:00 in the evening, and magazines on supermarket shelves devoted almost entirely to sex. I have seen sexual innuendoes on many TV shows to such a degree that it destroys their humor. I have heard more foul language in one Eddie Murphy movie than I heard in my several years in the Navy -- ashore and at sea.

You cannot tell me that the language of the movies is not absorbed by teen-agers, resulting in unbelievable rudeness. And the sex scenes ARE going to reduce their inhibitions.

There is no way that "Concerned in Chicago's" daughter can avoid seeing or reading all of this. When our children said, "But everyone else is ..." we could say, "YOU are not going to ..." with neutral or positive influence by the media. Now the movies and the printed word tell them that such conduct is all right. -- ALEX R. THOMAS, SAN ANTONIO DEAR MR. THOMAS: It is the job of parents to supervise the exposure their impressionable children have to "the media" and to provide moral standards for them. Although the idea seems tempting, I am opposed to censorship. The family should provide the "filter" through which their children view society.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were shopping in a small pottery shop in a large city. I selected some merchandise that cost $80. As I stepped up to the counter, I realized I had used my last check. The store didn't accept credit cards, and I didn't have enough cash to cover the purchase. I was very disappointed, because I really wanted to buy the pottery.

Seeing my dismay, the owner suddenly told us to take the pottery and "just send me the money when you get home." I thought he was joking, but he waved off my attempt to give him identification or an IOU. We left the store with the pottery, still owing the money. Of course, the moment I got home I wrote a check and mailed it.

Believe it or not, this happened in the Greenwich Village section of New York City. I am sure people would like to know there are still some trusting people in such a large city. -- CINDY CARNEY, DENVILLE, N.J.

DEAR CINDY: Thank you for an upper of a letter. What a positive message with which to begin the new year!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)