DEAR ABBY: This is my first letter to you, although I have been reading your column for many years. I need an outside opinion.

I am a grandmother in my 70s and have just returned from visiting my daughter, her husband and their three darling children -- all under the age of 5 -- and I'm upset with some of their parenting methods. For example:

They lock the doors to their children's bedrooms at night because "the children might get out of their beds and roam around the house and we may not hear them."

If one child deserves punishment, all three are punished. And if one child says a naughty word, all three are given hot sauce in the mouth.

Abby, I know these parents love their children very much, but are these methods of disciplining them wise? Please understand, it is not my intention to interfere. -- GRAM

DEAR GRAM: Children's bedroom doors should not be locked. Should a flash fire occur, it would be a nightmare.

Punishing all the children when only one has earned the punishment is a good way to make siblings grow up to hate each other.

Children who use "naughty" words should not be punished with hot sauce in the mouth -- they should be taught the proper and acceptable word to use instead of the "naughty" word.

DEAR ABBY: I had to write in response to "A Very Disappointed Trampoline Owner" who was upset because he had to buy more insurance to cover himself if he was sued by neighbors whose kids sneaked into his yard and jumped on his trampoline.

You suggested he build a fence and put a lock on it so children couldn't use the trampoline unless they were supervised.

Abby, if "Disappointed" wanted to give his children a fun toy, he may as well have given them a chain saw, because a trampoline is no less dangerous. Supervision doesn't ensure safety.

My sister is a quadriplegic today because of a trampoline mishap she had years ago. She was a trained college gymnast who had spotters watching her when she did a back flip on the trampoline and broke her neck! She never left the trampoline, or hit the sides.

"Disappointed" is afraid an unsupervised child will get hurt and sue him. What happens if his own children get hurt? There will be no one to blame but himself. If he really loves his children, he'll get rid of the trampoline. You may use my name. -- JENIFER WOETZEL, WELCH, MINN.

DEAR JENIFER: I am genuinely sorry about your sister's tragic accident. Because you cared enough to write, millions of readers are now alerted to the potential hazard of trampolines.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time writer, and it's about time! In November 1983, you ran a letter in the San Diego Union about the International Soundex Reunion Registry. It gave me the information I needed to locate my birth mother. She had already registered when I was an infant -- wondering if I would even be told that I was adopted.

As it turned out, I was raised by wonderful parents who told me (and my two adopted brothers) as much about our adoption as was appropriate at different stages in our lives. We grew up knowing that our biological mothers (as Mom called them) wanted more for us than they thought they could have provided.

Although my parents never encouraged any of us to search for our birth parents, I was always curious to know about my "roots."

I won't ramble on about our reunion, but suffice it to say, it was terrific! My birth mother and I are good friends -- but not best friends; that position is reserved for my adopted mom.

Abby, thank you for the best birthday present I could have asked for. I met my birth mother shortly after my 24th birthday. My closing thoughts are for adoptive parents and those considering adoption: Tell your children about their adoption from the time they are tiny. Read them stories about it -- tell them that another lady carried them in her tummy, but wasn't able to care for them. Tell them what you're comfortable with, but never lie to them or hide the adoption.

Children who grow up knowing about their adoptions are just as balanced and happy as other kids -- and there's no worrying about their finding out "later." Also, present the birth mother in a positive light so the child never feels "dumped," or like secondhand stock.

Thank you once again, Abby! -- LORI KAY DAY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR LORI: Thank you for writing. Your letter made my day. Biological parents can register with International Soundex Reunion Registry, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nev. 89702. Adopted children may also register -- and when the children become of legal age, if both parties are registered and want to find each other, a match is made. Send a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope to the above registry, requesting Soundex forms.

I have dealt with the people at the registry for many years and have found them to be efficient, honest, and in total agreement with my feelings that neither the identity of the birth parents nor the adopted child shall be disclosed unless both parties are agreeable to a reunion.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for the Schmucks of Ormand Beach, Fla.

I am in my 60s, and all my life my parents called me a "schmuck" when I did something foolish. And when my own children didn't behave, I would say, "Don't be a schmuck!"

Last October, we went to Germany to visit some relatives. I saw a building there with a sign that said "SCHMUCKS" so I asked my cousin what it meant, and she said "jewels." Imagine my surprise! All this time, I had been calling my children "jewels" when I really had something else in mind.

I am signing my real name, which I am told means "dam" in German. You can probably guess the fun the Germans had with that name! -- MILLIE WEIR IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.

Worth clipping (from "Forbes Magazine"): "Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other." Somerset Maugham

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Over a year ago, my husband lost his job of 21 years when his company was sold. This last year has been the most grueling, sad year of our lives. It has brought a drastic change in our lifestyle, the threat of losing our home of 20 years, lower grades for my children, and a host of other traumas.

But one of the most painful realities has been the lack of support from my friends -- wives of highly paid businessmen. I never dreamed my "friends" would be so ignorant of the realities of unemployment. My husband's friends have been terrific. They call often, circulate his resume, take him out to lunch. Except for two or three, my friends have ignored the situation as if I have a contagious disease.

To the many women who are not in the business world, I would like to share these thoughts. Please:

1. Call the families of the unemployed often. The spouse needs to know that someone is there for her.

2. Don't try to find reasons why the person was fired. In the majority of cases, they did nothing wrong.

3. Don't suggest she and her husband "go out to dinner" to cheer up. They have no money.

4. Do invite them to your house even though they may not be able to reciprocate for a while.

5. Don't suggest counseling just because they are unhappy. Of course they are unhappy -- it is a sad time in their lives. The majority of people in this situation need friends, not counselors.

6. Do ask if you can circulate the husband's resume. Remember, less than 10 percent of jobs are received through ads. Most are received through networking.

7. If you receive the resume in the mail, please respond! Send a note or call the person who sent it. Tell them you'll keep your ears open for any possible job opportunities.

8. Be understanding. When someone has one major problem, it is so easy to become short-tempered, run-down and unhappy. Don't remind them that there are people worse off than they are. They know that. They have probably spent much time doing volunteer work helping the less fortunate.

9. Most of all, remember, just because your friends are wearing nice clothes or living in a nice house does not mean they are not hurting. In our case, we haven't purchased anything except food in a year. Needed house repairs have been put on hold. (Just because I don't look like a homeless person doesn't mean I'm not poor.)

The unemployed need your support to get them through these hard times. Please, pick up the phone and call someone today. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR BEEN THERE: I am printing your letter because it speaks to everyone -- and very eloquently. It addresses the issue of loyalty among friends. Bad luck is not contagious. Apathy is.

CONFIDENTIAL TO J.L.S.: Relax and be yourself. "The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere." -- ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)