DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time writer, and it's about time! In November 1983, you ran a letter in the San Diego Union about the International Soundex Reunion Registry. It gave me the information I needed to locate my birth mother. She had already registered when I was an infant -- wondering if I would even be told that I was adopted.

As it turned out, I was raised by wonderful parents who told me (and my two adopted brothers) as much about our adoption as was appropriate at different stages in our lives. We grew up knowing that our biological mothers (as Mom called them) wanted more for us than they thought they could have provided.

Although my parents never encouraged any of us to search for our birth parents, I was always curious to know about my "roots."

I won't ramble on about our reunion, but suffice it to say, it was terrific! My birth mother and I are good friends -- but not best friends; that position is reserved for my adopted mom.

Abby, thank you for the best birthday present I could have asked for. I met my birth mother shortly after my 24th birthday. My closing thoughts are for adoptive parents and those considering adoption: Tell your children about their adoption from the time they are tiny. Read them stories about it -- tell them that another lady carried them in her tummy, but wasn't able to care for them. Tell them what you're comfortable with, but never lie to them or hide the adoption.

Children who grow up knowing about their adoptions are just as balanced and happy as other kids -- and there's no worrying about their finding out "later." Also, present the birth mother in a positive light so the child never feels "dumped," or like secondhand stock.

Thank you once again, Abby! -- LORI KAY DAY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR LORI: Thank you for writing. Your letter made my day. Biological parents can register with International Soundex Reunion Registry, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nev. 89702. Adopted children may also register -- and when the children become of legal age, if both parties are registered and want to find each other, a match is made. Send a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope to the above registry, requesting Soundex forms.

I have dealt with the people at the registry for many years and have found them to be efficient, honest, and in total agreement with my feelings that neither the identity of the birth parents nor the adopted child shall be disclosed unless both parties are agreeable to a reunion.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for the Schmucks of Ormand Beach, Fla.

I am in my 60s, and all my life my parents called me a "schmuck" when I did something foolish. And when my own children didn't behave, I would say, "Don't be a schmuck!"

Last October, we went to Germany to visit some relatives. I saw a building there with a sign that said "SCHMUCKS" so I asked my cousin what it meant, and she said "jewels." Imagine my surprise! All this time, I had been calling my children "jewels" when I really had something else in mind.

I am signing my real name, which I am told means "dam" in German. You can probably guess the fun the Germans had with that name! -- MILLIE WEIR IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.

Worth clipping (from "Forbes Magazine"): "Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other." Somerset Maugham

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Over a year ago, my husband lost his job of 21 years when his company was sold. This last year has been the most grueling, sad year of our lives. It has brought a drastic change in our lifestyle, the threat of losing our home of 20 years, lower grades for my children, and a host of other traumas.

But one of the most painful realities has been the lack of support from my friends -- wives of highly paid businessmen. I never dreamed my "friends" would be so ignorant of the realities of unemployment. My husband's friends have been terrific. They call often, circulate his resume, take him out to lunch. Except for two or three, my friends have ignored the situation as if I have a contagious disease.

To the many women who are not in the business world, I would like to share these thoughts. Please:

1. Call the families of the unemployed often. The spouse needs to know that someone is there for her.

2. Don't try to find reasons why the person was fired. In the majority of cases, they did nothing wrong.

3. Don't suggest she and her husband "go out to dinner" to cheer up. They have no money.

4. Do invite them to your house even though they may not be able to reciprocate for a while.

5. Don't suggest counseling just because they are unhappy. Of course they are unhappy -- it is a sad time in their lives. The majority of people in this situation need friends, not counselors.

6. Do ask if you can circulate the husband's resume. Remember, less than 10 percent of jobs are received through ads. Most are received through networking.

7. If you receive the resume in the mail, please respond! Send a note or call the person who sent it. Tell them you'll keep your ears open for any possible job opportunities.

8. Be understanding. When someone has one major problem, it is so easy to become short-tempered, run-down and unhappy. Don't remind them that there are people worse off than they are. They know that. They have probably spent much time doing volunteer work helping the less fortunate.

9. Most of all, remember, just because your friends are wearing nice clothes or living in a nice house does not mean they are not hurting. In our case, we haven't purchased anything except food in a year. Needed house repairs have been put on hold. (Just because I don't look like a homeless person doesn't mean I'm not poor.)

The unemployed need your support to get them through these hard times. Please, pick up the phone and call someone today. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR BEEN THERE: I am printing your letter because it speaks to everyone -- and very eloquently. It addresses the issue of loyalty among friends. Bad luck is not contagious. Apathy is.

CONFIDENTIAL TO J.L.S.: Relax and be yourself. "The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere." -- ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Once again, you are receiving a letter from someone who never dreamed she would be writing to you for advice. Actually, I don't know if I want advice, or just need to get my feelings out. (I'm too ashamed to talk to any friends or family.)

I have been married for seven years to a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He has an 8-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The problem is, I can't bring myself to "love" this child. I can't stand to be around her. I've always felt this way, but it has become worse since I had my own daughter 2 1/2 years ago.

My stepdaughter (I'll call her Mary) is with us every other weekend and on holidays. When Mary comes to stay, I get depressed because I feel I have to pretend to like her -- I don't hate her, and I would never hurt her. In fact, when she needs discipline, I bite my lip to keep from saying anything.

Mary has a sassy mouth and can be very rude to adults. My husband is aware of my feelings for her, but he doesn't know how deep they are. I truly love my own daughter, and when my husband walks in on Fridays with Mary, I cringe; when he leaves with her on Sunday, I let out a sigh of relief.

I hope one day things will get better, but right now, I can't seem to get over my feelings. -- ASHAMED

DEAR ASHAMED: Congratulations -- you have already identified your problem, are properly contrite and want to resolve it. We all have people in our lives we cannot "love" or even like, so don't be ashamed.

You need to find out why you have such hostile feelings toward this 8-year-old child. Perhaps it has something to do with her being the daughter of your husband's former wife.

You could also be reacting to Mary's negative feelings toward you. After all, you are the woman who replaced her mother. And it's also possible that Mary's mother may have influenced her.

Please consider a family therapist. Your problem may be solved once you understand why you and your stepdaughter feel the way you do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at the home of a very high-class, prominent society leader, who has a reputation for entertaining beautifully.

My husband's widowed sister came to town unexpectedly, so I telephoned my hostess and asked if I could bring our houseguest.

She asked, "Is your houseguest a male or female?"

I said, "She is my husband's widowed sister."

Abby, would you believe this so-called high-class society lady replied, "Oh, dear, that's too bad; we already have three extra women -- if you could bring a man, I would be delighted, but we don't need any more women."

Have you ever heard of anything to top this? -- SPEECHLESS IN LA JOLLA

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Yes. It actually happened to a friend of mine some years ago. When she was told an extra man would be welcome, but they couldn't accommodate an extra woman, she replied, "Oh, I didn't know we were going to mate at the table." (Thank you, Mickey Ziffren.)

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)