DEAR ABBY: Over a year ago, my husband lost his job of 21 years when his company was sold. This last year has been the most grueling, sad year of our lives. It has brought a drastic change in our lifestyle, the threat of losing our home of 20 years, lower grades for my children, and a host of other traumas.

But one of the most painful realities has been the lack of support from my friends -- wives of highly paid businessmen. I never dreamed my "friends" would be so ignorant of the realities of unemployment. My husband's friends have been terrific. They call often, circulate his resume, take him out to lunch. Except for two or three, my friends have ignored the situation as if I have a contagious disease.

To the many women who are not in the business world, I would like to share these thoughts. Please:

1. Call the families of the unemployed often. The spouse needs to know that someone is there for her.

2. Don't try to find reasons why the person was fired. In the majority of cases, they did nothing wrong.

3. Don't suggest she and her husband "go out to dinner" to cheer up. They have no money.

4. Do invite them to your house even though they may not be able to reciprocate for a while.

5. Don't suggest counseling just because they are unhappy. Of course they are unhappy -- it is a sad time in their lives. The majority of people in this situation need friends, not counselors.

6. Do ask if you can circulate the husband's resume. Remember, less than 10 percent of jobs are received through ads. Most are received through networking.

7. If you receive the resume in the mail, please respond! Send a note or call the person who sent it. Tell them you'll keep your ears open for any possible job opportunities.

8. Be understanding. When someone has one major problem, it is so easy to become short-tempered, run-down and unhappy. Don't remind them that there are people worse off than they are. They know that. They have probably spent much time doing volunteer work helping the less fortunate.

9. Most of all, remember, just because your friends are wearing nice clothes or living in a nice house does not mean they are not hurting. In our case, we haven't purchased anything except food in a year. Needed house repairs have been put on hold. (Just because I don't look like a homeless person doesn't mean I'm not poor.)

The unemployed need your support to get them through these hard times. Please, pick up the phone and call someone today. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR BEEN THERE: I am printing your letter because it speaks to everyone -- and very eloquently. It addresses the issue of loyalty among friends. Bad luck is not contagious. Apathy is.

CONFIDENTIAL TO J.L.S.: Relax and be yourself. "The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere." -- ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Once again, you are receiving a letter from someone who never dreamed she would be writing to you for advice. Actually, I don't know if I want advice, or just need to get my feelings out. (I'm too ashamed to talk to any friends or family.)

I have been married for seven years to a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He has an 8-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The problem is, I can't bring myself to "love" this child. I can't stand to be around her. I've always felt this way, but it has become worse since I had my own daughter 2 1/2 years ago.

My stepdaughter (I'll call her Mary) is with us every other weekend and on holidays. When Mary comes to stay, I get depressed because I feel I have to pretend to like her -- I don't hate her, and I would never hurt her. In fact, when she needs discipline, I bite my lip to keep from saying anything.

Mary has a sassy mouth and can be very rude to adults. My husband is aware of my feelings for her, but he doesn't know how deep they are. I truly love my own daughter, and when my husband walks in on Fridays with Mary, I cringe; when he leaves with her on Sunday, I let out a sigh of relief.

I hope one day things will get better, but right now, I can't seem to get over my feelings. -- ASHAMED

DEAR ASHAMED: Congratulations -- you have already identified your problem, are properly contrite and want to resolve it. We all have people in our lives we cannot "love" or even like, so don't be ashamed.

You need to find out why you have such hostile feelings toward this 8-year-old child. Perhaps it has something to do with her being the daughter of your husband's former wife.

You could also be reacting to Mary's negative feelings toward you. After all, you are the woman who replaced her mother. And it's also possible that Mary's mother may have influenced her.

Please consider a family therapist. Your problem may be solved once you understand why you and your stepdaughter feel the way you do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at the home of a very high-class, prominent society leader, who has a reputation for entertaining beautifully.

My husband's widowed sister came to town unexpectedly, so I telephoned my hostess and asked if I could bring our houseguest.

She asked, "Is your houseguest a male or female?"

I said, "She is my husband's widowed sister."

Abby, would you believe this so-called high-class society lady replied, "Oh, dear, that's too bad; we already have three extra women -- if you could bring a man, I would be delighted, but we don't need any more women."

Have you ever heard of anything to top this? -- SPEECHLESS IN LA JOLLA

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Yes. It actually happened to a friend of mine some years ago. When she was told an extra man would be welcome, but they couldn't accommodate an extra woman, she replied, "Oh, I didn't know we were going to mate at the table." (Thank you, Mickey Ziffren.)

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I can certainly sympathize with "Pressured in Pennsylvania" who wanted a "no-child" wedding. All of the invitations to my daughter's wedding last month were worded in the correct way and addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." We assumed that by not including "and family," we would have no trouble. Wrong!

Friends whom we had not seen in a number of years, and would have welcomed with open arms, announced that they were coming 500 miles to the wedding and bringing their married daughter (who was invited) and her three small children (who were definitely not invited!). It fell to me to telephone long-distance and tell them that the children were not included in the invitation. They said they had never heard of such a thing, and if the children weren't welcome, they wouldn't be coming either. I stood my ground and said I was sorry, but that's the way it was. They never came.

Also, my daughter and I spent an entire weekend calling people who had failed to RSVP. A number of them told us they thought that if they were not planning to attend, they did not need to respond. (What did they think the stamp on the return envelope was for?) Several accepted but never showed up.

Abby, I think it's time to change the rules. Tacky or not, if I ever have to do this again, I will state on the invitations:

"Sorry, adults only.

"Please respond with a yes or no. A stamped envelope is included for your convenience."

And finally, the ultimate in tacky: "No-shows will be billed for the amount charged per person, by the caterer." (In our case, it was $30 per head, and we were out several hundred dollars and a lot of food went to waste because of those thoughtless people.)

Thank you for listening because I really needed to get this off my chest! If you print this, please do not use my name. -- OUTRAGED IN OREGON

DEAR OUTRAGED: My mail over the years indicates that many people do not understand what RSVP means. Perhaps the following would be preferable: "Please respond with a 'YES, we will be there' or, 'NO, we will not attend.' A stamped envelope is enclosed for your convenience."

P.S. Many people have written to say, "We thought it wasn't necessary to respond because we cannot attend." Others in equal numbers wrote to say, "We didn't respond because we will be there."

DEAR ABBY: We would like to pass along a family tradition we started some years ago. A few days after each Christmas and birthday, we go through our daughter Kristin's toys. With her help, we decide which toys she doesn't play with -- or has outgrown -- and would like to give to less fortunate children.

In addition to the obvious benefit of children getting toys they might not otherwise receive, it teaches our own child the joy of sharing.

So instead of selling those old but good-as-new toys your children have outgrown -- or boxing them up to store in the back of your closet or attic -- give them to your local charity. After all, isn't the joy of giving worth far more than a couple of bucks made from a garage sale? -- THE MC ALEENEN FAMILY, CHARLESTON AFB, S.C.

DEAR MC ALEENEN FAMILY: Hooray for you. May each successive holiday season by happier than the previous one. You deserve it.

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)