DEAR ABBY: I can certainly sympathize with "Pressured in Pennsylvania" who wanted a "no-child" wedding. All of the invitations to my daughter's wedding last month were worded in the correct way and addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." We assumed that by not including "and family," we would have no trouble. Wrong!

Friends whom we had not seen in a number of years, and would have welcomed with open arms, announced that they were coming 500 miles to the wedding and bringing their married daughter (who was invited) and her three small children (who were definitely not invited!). It fell to me to telephone long-distance and tell them that the children were not included in the invitation. They said they had never heard of such a thing, and if the children weren't welcome, they wouldn't be coming either. I stood my ground and said I was sorry, but that's the way it was. They never came.

Also, my daughter and I spent an entire weekend calling people who had failed to RSVP. A number of them told us they thought that if they were not planning to attend, they did not need to respond. (What did they think the stamp on the return envelope was for?) Several accepted but never showed up.

Abby, I think it's time to change the rules. Tacky or not, if I ever have to do this again, I will state on the invitations:

"Sorry, adults only.

"Please respond with a yes or no. A stamped envelope is included for your convenience."

And finally, the ultimate in tacky: "No-shows will be billed for the amount charged per person, by the caterer." (In our case, it was $30 per head, and we were out several hundred dollars and a lot of food went to waste because of those thoughtless people.)

Thank you for listening because I really needed to get this off my chest! If you print this, please do not use my name. -- OUTRAGED IN OREGON

DEAR OUTRAGED: My mail over the years indicates that many people do not understand what RSVP means. Perhaps the following would be preferable: "Please respond with a 'YES, we will be there' or, 'NO, we will not attend.' A stamped envelope is enclosed for your convenience."

P.S. Many people have written to say, "We thought it wasn't necessary to respond because we cannot attend." Others in equal numbers wrote to say, "We didn't respond because we will be there."

DEAR ABBY: We would like to pass along a family tradition we started some years ago. A few days after each Christmas and birthday, we go through our daughter Kristin's toys. With her help, we decide which toys she doesn't play with -- or has outgrown -- and would like to give to less fortunate children.

In addition to the obvious benefit of children getting toys they might not otherwise receive, it teaches our own child the joy of sharing.

So instead of selling those old but good-as-new toys your children have outgrown -- or boxing them up to store in the back of your closet or attic -- give them to your local charity. After all, isn't the joy of giving worth far more than a couple of bucks made from a garage sale? -- THE MC ALEENEN FAMILY, CHARLESTON AFB, S.C.

DEAR MC ALEENEN FAMILY: Hooray for you. May each successive holiday season by happier than the previous one. You deserve it.

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this as a follow-up to the letter I wrote you in June about my 13-year-old daughter. (I told you she was getting dangerously close to the boyfriend she had been seeing morning, noon and night.)

I took your advice and spoke to her about sex. I purchased at the local drugstore several forms of birth control (condoms, contraceptive sponge and vaginal suppositories). I also bought something called a "teen pack," which contained several trial-size items introducing young females to such things as tampons, mini-pads, maxi-pads, shaving lotion and razors for shaving legs. When I got home, I invited my daughter to join me at the kitchen table. My husband was working late that night, so it was a perfect opportunity for girl talk.

I lined up the contraceptive devices on the table. My daughter was a bit curious. I gave her the teen pack, telling her that all the items in that package were things that we had discussed. Then I pointed to the other items on the table and said they were items that we needed to talk about.

I carefully explained to her that now that she had become a young woman having a monthly period, she could become pregnant if she had sex. I then told her that I was in no way condoning sex in someone as young as she, but that I wanted her to be informed. I then took each product and explained how it was used, and showed her the directions and how to check the expiration date on the product. After that, I opened each package and let her touch the device, examine it and ask questions.

I made sure she was aware that even if you are on the birth control pill, that still did not stop sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. I told her that safe sex with condoms could not completely guarantee the prevention of pregnancy or disease, but that the only way to ensure not getting pregnant or a sexually transmitted disease was not to have sex.

I then took the remaining products and placed them in a box in her bathroom closet. I told her I would not check the box, but if she ever felt a need to experiment, that they would be there. I stressed to her to always feel that she could come to me before making any decisions that could change her life forever.

And, I made some important points to her that truly hit home: I pointed out that she was too young to obtain a driver's license, too young to drink, too young to get a job, and too young to be responsible for the life of another human being. I reminded her that if she were to have a child, her education and social life would cease until such time that she could afford a baby sitter to resume her studies and social activities.

I realize this letter is lengthy, but I wanted you to know how I dealt with this issue. My daughter, after our talk, has been a different person!

I trust my daughter, and your advice was a big help in dealing with a very difficult situation. I realize that I have a long way to go in completing the journey through her teen years, but I feel that we, as a family, will survive.

I am truly grateful, Abby. Thank you. -- NORTH DAKOTA MOM

DEAR MOM: Every daughter should have a mother like you.

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My only son recently died due to complications from a heatstroke he suffered while serving in the U.S. Marine Corps in Okinawa. Upon notifying us that he was in serious condition, the military requested that my daughter-in-law, Billie, and I travel to his bedside in Okinawa.

Billie was able to leave immediately, traveling with military orders and her dependent military ID in lieu of a passport. I, however, having no connection with the military, had to get a passport in a hurry.

The State Department was marvelous. A passport can take up to six weeks to receive, and there are only three cities where one can be obtained in one day -- New Orleans, Los Angeles and Houston.

I flew to Houston on Father's Day Sunday, received my passport, and left for Okinawa the next morning. Upon arrival after this long journey, I found my son had died just six hours earlier.

Abby, my point is this: If I had already possessed a passport, I could have accompanied my 18-year-old daughter-in-law and been there in time at least to have said goodbye to my son. I would like to encourage all parents who have children in the military to get a passport now. I hope they'll never have to use it except for pleasure -- but if a loved one is injured overseas, they won't have to waste precious time, as I did. -- LINDA NICKELL, OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR LINDA: My sincere sympathy to you, Billie and your family. The point you make is an excellent one, and well worth sharing with parents of all military personnel.

Actually, I checked with the U.S. Passport Agency in Washington and was told there are 13 passport offices nationwide capable of issuing a passport for "life and death" emergencies on weekends and holidays. A duty officer is available to make that judgment during non-working hours in Boston, Chicago, Honolulu, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, New York, Philadelphia, San Francisco, Seattle, Stamford, Conn., and Washington, D.C.

Thank you for wanting to spare others the anxiety you experienced.

DEAR ABBY: I've never written to you, but a recent letter in your column has motivated me to share my experience with tattoos. Some parents were concerned that their bright, responsible daughter had "betrayed" her decent parents' beliefs and values by getting a tattoo.

I, too, was a popular, bright high school student. I was class valedictorian, president of the National Honor Society and a National Merit Scholar. I had my choice of colleges and scholarships, and initially chose a small, church-affiliated college. I later transferred to a large state university where I graduated with a 4.0 grade-point average and was elected to Phi Beta Kappa.

After leaving graduate school, I worked as a volunteer teacher for Vista (the domestic branch of the Peace Corps), then I became a federal law enforcement agent and have been in that career for the last 16 years. I am married and have three wonderful children and am active in my church.

And guess what? When I was 24, I got a tattoo! A rather small one in a relatively private place. I think tattoos are fascinating and would have another one were I not concerned about contracting hepatitis or some other disease from a dirty needle.

I have had that tattoo for 15 years and do not regret it or suffer any embarrassment because of it. I got it for myself, not for public display -- although those who see it may get a clue to the "inner me" not normally revealed to the casual acquaintance. Thanks for being an open forum, Abby. -- TERRY FREEDY IN GEORGIA

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)