DEAR ABBY: My husband is bisexual. I have known it since the third year of our marriage, but I expected him to be faithful, so I figured his fantasies were his own business. Well, as it turns out, he has not been faithful, and he is HIV positive! We have two small children, and he is a good father. We have a lot in common, we rarely fight, and I love him.

But now the BIG problem: To be blunt, I would miss the sex and will not be unfaithful. Also, there is the whole AIDS problem. Will he get sick? Will he infect me or the kids? Can my children have their friends over? Should I be sterilizing the dishes and the towels? What and when do we tell the kids? Our families? He wants to stay married; now I'm not sure I do. I have been to a counselor several times, and I still can't make up my mind.

Please do not publish my name or location, for obvious reasons! -- HIS WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I directed your questions to Dr. Merv Silverman, president of the American Foundation for AIDS Research. His response: "Unless more effective treatments are developed, eventually almost all HIV-infected individuals will have symptoms and, ultimately, AIDS.

"The only way your husband can infect you is through unprotected penetrative sexual activity. Will he infect the children? No.

"Your children can have friends over, and it is not imperative that dishes and towels be sterilized. Studies of households with an infected individual have shown absolutely no transmission of the virus unless there was unprotected sexual activity with the infected person.

"What and when to tell your children depend upon their ages. Since a person can look and feel well for years, it is probably not necessary to tell your small children until the symptoms start appearing.

"What and when to tell your families depend upon the relationship you have with those family members. Remember, however, that this disease is very difficult to deal with alone."

As to whether you should stay married, only you can make that decision. Regardless, you should be tested for HIV because, if you have been infected, you, too, should be under a doctor's supervision.

DEAR ABBY: My husband (I'll call him Barry) received an invitation to the wedding of his first cousin -- I'll call him Joe. I realize that the wedding invitations were sent out by Joe's fiancee, whom we have never met, but it was addressed only to my husband, Barry. We have been married for 15 years and have two children. We see Joe only once or twice a year and he knows that we are married.

Am I to assume that I am not invited to this wedding? Or am I to assume it was an oversight on the part of Joe's fiancee? Also, are the children invited? -- BARRY'S WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Your husband should call his cousin Joe, and explain this dilemma. I hope Joe will advise his fiancee that cousin Barry has a wife and two children, after which you will probably be invited. But don't bring your children unless they are specifically invited.

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We are a retired couple. During a recent heat wave, we mostly stayed in the house. My husband kept saying, "Do you hear a baby crying?" (Our neighbor across the street heard it, too.) I walked around our back yard, and a couple of houses down, I saw a baby sitting in a stroller, screaming! The sun was beating down on that poor little thing while the mother watered the yard. She never even looked at the baby.

I felt so sorry for that child, I walked over there and said, "Excuse me, but it's too hot for that baby to be out in this heat with no bonnet for 20 minutes."

She said, "B----, I work at a children's hospital and I know what I'm doing -- besides, he's been out only five minutes!"

I said, "Don't call me a b----. He's been screaming for 20 minutes, and what you're doing is child abuse!" Then she called me a name you couldn't print, and aimed the water hose right at my face! As I walked away, she aimed the hose at my behind!

I am not a person who calls the police or children's services, but what should I have done? Covered my ears, eyes and mouth like those three monkeys? -- UPSET IN OHIO

DEAR UPSET: Your neighbor has an ugly temper and a mouth to match.

You were right to speak up when you learned why the child was screaming. Although your neighbor's "abuse" was more due to ignorance than deliberate cruelty, the woman could certainly benefit from some instruction in parenting. Being an employee of a children's hospital doesn't automatically make one a good parent.

DEAR ABBY: Can retarded people get married? I always knew I was a slow learner because I was put in special classes for slow learners and have been labled "slightly retarded."

I can drive a car and I own my own car. I have a job making deliveries for a liquor store. I am seeing a girl who was in my special class at school. She is also slightly retarded and she is very nice. We have been told that if we get married, I will have to have a vasectomy and she will have to have an operation so she will not have any children, because if we had any children, they might be seriously retarded.

I like this girl a lot and I know she likes me. We go to the same church. Do you think a marriage between us would work? Her parents like me very much, and my mother and stepfather think she is OK, too. Answer soon, please, as I would like to give her an engagement ring for Christmas. We will both be 21 on our next birthdays. Thank you for your time. -- A GUY NAMED WILLIAM

DEAR WILLIAM: From what you have told me, I would say you'd make a peach of a pair. I wish you every happiness, and may all God's blessings be yours.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What, exactly, is a person's "IQ," and how is it determined? -- A STUDENT IN GREEN BAY, WIS.

DEAR STUDENT: "IQ" stands for intelligence quotient, and it is determined by assigning a number to the level of skills attained on a standardized test. This number, sometimes called the "mental age" or M.A., is divided by the chronological age (C.A.) and then multiplied by 100. The total reflects one's comparison to a standardized group of this age.

For educational purposes, the IQ scores are categorized as follows: 125 to 140 or higher -- gifted; 115 or higher -- highly intelligent; 100 -- average.

Educable: An IQ of 50 to 75. One who can be educated academically to the level of an average child of 9 to 11 years of age, can socially adjust to family and home, and can occupationally support themselves totally or partly.

Trainable: An IQ of 25 to 50. One who can be trained to perform self-care skills such as dressing, feeding and toilette, can socially adjust to the home and neighborhood, and can gain some degree of ability such as routine tasks within the home or in a sheltered environment under supervision.

A person with an IQ under 25 usually requires nursing care, and is considered totally dependent.

DEAR ABBY: My grown daughter is my best friend. She has given me some of life's greatest joys -- and sorrows. She is supportive, loving and generous, but she also "steals" from me. In spite of my arguments, threats and pleas, she fraudulently charges on my credit cards and is dishonest when confronted with her wrongs.

I am a widow on a fixed income and cannot continue to see my savings depleted to pay her bills. I've considered moving far away to protect myself, but am dependent on her for the good times, love and friendship we share, plus she is the mother of the grandson who is the light of my life.

Recently she began counseling to help cure her compulsive spending, and deal with her anxiety and guilt.

I do not want to jeopardize her job or her marriage, but I am desperate to find a way to help her and protect my financial security. Please help me. -- GOING DOWN THE DRAIN

DEAR GOING: Notify the stores where you have charge accounts that no one other than you may use your charge account. Then tell your daughter that in order to protect yourself from bankruptcy -- and herself from humiliation and trouble with the law -- she must not attempt to charge anything on your accounts.

Since your daughter is in counseling to overcome her compulsive spending, at least she's trying. Let's hope she succeeds.

Want your phone to ring? Get Abby's booklet, "How to Be Popular" -- for people of all ages. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.