DEAR ABBY: I speak for the people who are in wheelchairs permanently, having been in one myself for a short time following a head injury.

Recently, I went to a concert in the park. I noticed a man in a wheelchair struggling to get to the dancing area. As he approached people, he would reach out as far as he could with his better hand. He was rejected time after time -- or just plain ignored.

Finally, my heart just couldn't take it anymore, so I walked over to him, took his hand and started swinging it back and forth to the rhythm of the music. Then I "danced" quickly around his wheelchair as I held his hand.

Ordinarily, I am scared to death to perform in front of people, but I was as peaceful and self-assured as I could be.

The only thing I saw was the look of happiness in his face. When the song ended, he pulled me close enough to give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek. After that, others "danced" with him, and he had a wonderful time.

Abby, I ask everyone to treat people in wheelchairs as if they were standing up -- to recognize their courage and realize that they have the same feelings as you do. -- CELESTE RICE, LORANE, ORE.

DEAR CELESTE: Thank you for a letter that warmed my heart and will be appreciated by many.

DEAR ABBY: My problem may seem insignificant compared to some you receive, but I need to air my feelings, and I hope my in-laws see this:

"Harry" and I have been married for 20 years (no children). We aren't poor, but he still gives me a weekly allowance for groceries. I worked the first nine years of our marriage, but I finally quit because all I was allowed to do with the money was make car payments on "our" car, which Harry drove most of the time.

Over the years, my in-laws have given us cards with checks enclosed for Christmas and anniversaries. They just hand the envelope to Harry in front of me, he promptly pockets it, and I never see it again. Once, I noticed that the check was made out for $1,000 to both of us.

If my in-laws ever asked me what we did with the money, I'd tell them the truth, but they have never asked. A few times I've asked Harry, and he said, "I've got it." End of conversation.

Don't mention "divorce," which I have considered a few times, but Harry would kill me before he'd give me a divorce. And lately, there have been times when I wish he would. -- TRAPPED

DEAR TRAPPED: Marriage should be a partnership; yours is more like a master-and-slave relationship. Christmas and anniversary checks from the in-laws should be spent on something you can both enjoy, something for your home or a vacation trip. They should not go into your husband's pocket never to be seen again.

But there's more than material inequality ailing your marriage. Please see a marriage counselor. If Harry refuses to go -- go without him. And if you still would "rather be dead," ending your miserable marriage is preferable to ending your life.

WORTH NOTING: "If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a state has no business telling a man, sitting alone in his house, what books he may read or what films he may watch." -- RETIRED JUSTICE THURGOOD MARSHALL, U.S. SUPREME COURT

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was married yesterday after some whirlwind planning in which we used your wedding planning book. A question has arisen that was not addressed in the book: Many guests brought their gifts to the reception.

When the gifts were collected to be taken home, the ushers handed the bride's father a stack of envelopes that had been on the gift table. We have no idea whether these envelopes are gifts themselves, or became separated from their packages.

When the newlyweds return from their honeymoon in three weeks, they will have a massive job of unwrapping. What do they do if they find several unidentified packages and assorted cards? How do they match them up to be sure they thank the right guests for the right gifts? -- BARBARA K., KENILWORTH, ILL.

DEAR BARBARA: When the bride returns, she will open the envelopes. Some will probably contain "the gift" (money), and those envelopes that became separated from the gifts will (let's hope) contain cards signed with first and last names.

Write thank-you notes to those you match up with gifts. And telephone (or write) to the others, tell them that their card and gift became separated, then ask them which gift was theirs. Embarrassing? Yes. But that's the price one pays when such accidents occur.

There ought to be a law against hand-carrying gifts to weddings. It imposes a burden on the bride's parents, who must take the gifts home and store them until the newlyweds return.

Wedding gifts should be sent directly to the bride in plenty of time for her to open them and make a record of the gift and the giver, so the giver can be properly thanked.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in regard to your column titled "Obituary Relating to Cause of Death Adds to Family's Grief."

Circumstances can sometimes dictate just the opposite. My lovely 19-year-old granddaughter, who lived in another town, was killed in a car accident just three days after her high school graduation -- a few months ago.

When we were making the funeral arrangements, we asked the funderal director to state the cause of death in her obituary. We are well-known in this community, and we wished to be spared the numerous telephone calls asking about the cause of her sudden death.

The funeral director, unfortunately, neglected to follow through on our request, and consequently, we were plagued with calls, which added much to our grief every time we had to relate the circumstances of her death. -- GRIEVING ILLINOIS GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: You make an excellent point. Thank you for taking the time to write. And please accept my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your grandddaughter.

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I became pregnant with "Joe's" baby. We were going to get married, but Joe got into a jam (armed robbery) and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Joe is due to get out in two months. Now the problem.

When my baby (I'll call him Gary) was 8 months old, I fell in love with a man I'll call Tony. Tony and I were married, and Gary was raised to believe that Tony is his "real" father. My family and Tony's family know the truth about Gary's "real" father, but nobody ever talks about it. Joe's mother and sister also know the whole story.

My question: Should I tell Gary who his real father is? Tony says he will support my decision.

I'm afraid I will lose Gary's trust if I tell him I have lied to him all these years.

What do you think? -- SILENT FOR 10 YEARS

DEAR SILENT: You had better tell Gary who his real father is before someone else does. It won't be easy, but it's far better that he hear it from you than from someone else, and when three people know a secret, it's no longer a secret.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved wife of 32 years just died of colon cancer, which had spread to her liver. She was 51 years old, healthy and beautiful. My two sons and I are in total shock. My wife had some colon cancer symptoms and was examined by a colon cancer specialist. The doctor proclaimed, "No problems." (She had cancer of the colon at the time of the examination.)

Eight months after the examination, the cancer had spread to her liver. It was finally discovered one year later! She lived with intense chemotherapy and pain for 14 months.

Abby, tell your readers that if they suspect that they have colon cancer, they should demand a complete colon examination, a blood test and A SECOND OPINION.

In my wife's case, the window of life was only eight months. America's dirty little secret is that there are about 1 million new cancer patients, and over half a million deaths from cancer every year.

Abby, please let the common people know. No one else will. -- LOST IN ATLANTA

DEAR LOST: With your help, I just have, and I thank you for coming forward with the statistics, which have been verified by the National Cancer Institute and the American Cancer Society.

DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago my husband and I were browsing in an antique shop when we came across a white porcelain figurine. On the bottom was stamped "MADE IN USA" -- and in even finer print were the letters "Japan."

Some people may deny that this occurred, but during World War II, I assure you it did.

Now we're sorry we didn't buy that white porcelain piece. We would have loved to take a picture of that lettering and send it to you, Abby. If we ever find another piece, we will. -- G.M.A., PHOENIX

"How to Be Popular" is an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)