DEAR ABBY: My problem is the 40-year-old husband of my 30-year-old daughter. He believes that because he is "family," he is entitled to come into my home and help himself to anything he wants in my fridge or cupboards. He has done this for several years, even after having been told (by me) that this is unacceptable. After complying for a while, he went back to helping himself to food and drink as though he were in his own home.

His manners are atrocious. He doesn't wait to be offered a second helping -- he takes what he wants, sometimes ignoring the serving utensils and using his fingers. He weighs 260 and is a big eater. He complains if I don't have his favorite beer, suggesting that I buy it by the case so I won't run out!

My daughter caters to him, asking him (in my home) if he wants more of anything.

Because of the distance they have to travel to visit us, they always spend the night. My husband and I always give them our bed�room. When we spent the night at their place, we slept on a broken�-down sofa that they brought in from the toolshed.

I know there is very little you can do to help me, Abby, but I need to know if being "family" is a legitimate reason for my son-in-law's behavior. -- APPALLED IN CANADA

DEAR APPALLED: Being "family" in a family of pigs might excuse this inconsiderate oaf, but in a family of reasonably well-bred people, his behavior is not acceptable.

DEAR ABBY: I handle "lost" property for a large hospital, and I see so much heartache, I feel compelled to write.

Abby, advise your readers to please leave all valuables at home, especially their precious wedding rings with stones and other "real" jewelry or religious medals.

I cannot tell you how many people I have seen who have been robbed of their jewelry and other valuables. The elderly are especially vulnerable, as they are sometimes confused. Their rings are often loose after years of wear and are easily slipped off by thieves.

A tip: Never tape a ring to a finger -- it's an advertisement to come and get it.

Even the dead are being robbed. If you arrive at the hospital unexpectedly, send your valuables home immediately with a friend. If you're alone, insist that the nurse (no one else) lock up your rings in the hospital safe. She will place them in a special "valuables" envelope and will give you a receipt.

Most hospitals are wide open to the public, and that includes thieves as well as fine and dedicated employees. Also, hospitals are not responsible for lost valuables. We cannot afford to reimburse patients for theft. Please sign this ... WORKING A NICE BAY AREA HOSPITAL

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What is the significance of the moon or half-moon on an outhouse door?

I recently visited the birthplace of Herbert Hoover and saw this freshly painted outhouse with the moon on the door, and in�quired of the security guard as to what it meant. He just laughed and said he'd been asked that question many times, but he's never been able to come up with an answer.

I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are as curious as I am to know the answer. What is it? -- BOB HESS,

IOWA CITY, IOWA

DEAR MR. HESS: Before indoor plumbing, American privies usually had "two-seaters." The one with the "moon" on the door was for ladies and the one with the "star" was for gentlemen. That way, people who couldn't read could stay out of trouble.

P.S. I was privy to this information when I came upon "The Classic Outhouse Book," by Janet Strombeck.

DEAR ABBY: In February of 1987, my granddaughter called and said she and her husband needed a loan of $500 to pay for their baby, which was due in five months. I mailed a check to them immedi�ately, and they sent a note with both their signatures, promising to pay me $25 until the loan was paid off. I never asked for this note -- they sent it on their own.

Since that time, I haven't received a penny from them, al�though they have bought cars and furniture and have taken vacation trips. The final straw was when my granddaughter paid $150 for a pet snake! Abby, if they had sent me only $5 or $10 a month, I would feel that at least they were making an effort.

I continue buying gifts for Christmas and their birthdays even though I am getting a little resentful. I am not poor, but neither am I rich. I am afraid if I ask for the money they owe me, it will damage the good relationship I have with them, and I don't want to cause any hard feelings. Should I just keep my mouth shut and hope they never come to me for another loan? -- SOFT TOUCH IN NEVADA

DEAR SOFT TOUCH: It's unfortunate that you let it go for so long; they probably assumed that since you never asked for the money, you didn't need it. Write them a friendly letter reminding them of their obligation and enclose a photocopy of the note they signed.

DEAR ABBY: I've heard that drinking coffee can give a person cancer of the stomach. Is it true? -- COFFEE DRINKER

DEAR COFFEE DRINKER: According to the Mayo Clinic Health Letter, "Most health concerns about coffee are groundless." Moderate con�sumption -- two to four cups a day -- poses little or no risk for most people, but if caffeine before bedtime interferes with your sleep, drink "decaf."

Hot off the press -- Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently found my 6-month-old puppy prostrate, limp and glassy-eyed. She was barely able to lift her head and had difficulty breathing.

I rushed her to the vet, who treated her for shock due to multiple bee stings. She was so toxic, she developed severe hepa�titis. Had it not been for the expert care of the veterinarian, my puppy would have died.

She had been stung by a bee a month before, which sensitized her to bee stings. I later discovered that my next-door neighbor had been keeping beehives in her back yard! I had no idea how long, since she has a high fence.

This came as a surprise to her other neighbors, too, since according to our city's code, one must have the written permission of one's neighbors to keep bees in a residential area, and none of us had ever been asked. I informed the regulatory agency of my city government, and they promised to conduct an investigation.

Abby, I have no animosity against beekeepers, but they should respect the ordinances relating to keeping bees in a residential area.

I just spent $800 for dog care as the result of my neighbor's thoughtlessness. Abby, please remind your readers that animals can be just as allergic to insect stings as people -- with just as dire consequences. -- STUNG IN PHOENIX

DEAR STUNG: If it's any consolation, the honeybee stings only once and then it dies. I'm no lawyer, but I think you have a honey of a case against your bee-keeping neighbor.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to air a pet peeve, not only my own but for many friends who are also divorced single mothers.

"Daddy" just called to talk to Junior again. His calls are infrequent, and since he lives out of town, always long- distance. Rather than say, "Hi, Betty, this is Jim; may I talk with Junior?" He says, "Is Junior home?"

Daddy has been out of my life for a number of years, and I don't always recognize his voice. These calls always catch me off guard, and I'm left wondering who wants to talk to my son without identifying himself first.

Junior was the result of love at one time, and he is the product of the woman his father hasn't the common decency to say "Hello" to -- �never mind a courteous, "How are you?"

Junior loves and respects Mom, so why can't Daddy at least acknowledge her existence, and exercise the same good manners he presumably adopts when he calls his doctor's office for an appoint�ment, or his girlfriend at her place of work, or his insurance agent?

It's such a small gesture in light of so many hurts after a divorce, and would show a modicum of maturity and promote good will where there is all too often no opportunity elsewhere for genuine communication.

If you print this, millions of single divorced moms will be grateful; in my own small circle, this complaint is universal. You may sign this "Betty," or ... VISIBLE, STILL BREATHING AND RAISING YOUR CHILD

DEAR BETTY: Here's your letter, which may also apply to some Suzies, Jennifers and a whole flock of Lindas.

If only one daddy is jolted into saying "Hello" to his former wife when he calls to speak to their child, then your efforts, my time and this space will not have been wasted.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)