DEAR ABBY: I met a very attractive, eligible widower last winter, and we've been keeping steady company since.

My only complaint is the way he keeps talking all the time about Mildred, his deceased wife. I never talk about my deceased husband. Outside of that, he is a decent man, and we get along just fine.

He has asked to marry me, but this is the way he proposed to me: "How would you like to take Mildred's place?" -- UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: If he has a sense of humor, tell him that since Mildred is in the cemetery, you don't want to take her place. But if he wants a new life and a new wife, you'll consider it -- providing he quits talking about Mildred.

DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son is engaged to a beautiful but spoiled 21-year-old girl. She has broken two engagements (one after the wedding invitations were mailed), and now she has asked our son for more time to "think things over." Meanwhile, the invitations are supposed to go out next Monday.

We have counseled with our minister, and he is all for letting her "think it over," but our son is trying to talk her into going through with the wedding on the scheduled date.

Her parents are no help at all and are pushing for the wedding as planned because they would like to get this spoiled, flighty girl married and out of the house. Also, they are very fond of our son.

What should we do? -- DETROIT DILEMMA

DEAR DILEMMA: I agree with your minister. I would give the bride all the time she needs to think it over. There are worse things than a late wedding. And one of them is an early divorce.

DEAR ABBY: I know the libraries are full of books on the subject, but you seem able to put so much into a few words. What makes some kids good and some bad? In other words, is there a formula for raising good kids? Is it heredity or environment? -- TRYING HARD

DEAR TRYING: That battle has been going on for a long time, but I'm inclined to be on the side of environment.

All kids need discipline. ("Discipline" does not mean punishment; it means "teaching.") Kids need to know how far they can go. And they don't really want everything they ask for.

Reward them when they're good, and deprive them of something they enjoy when they misbehave.

I don't believe in hitting a child. A little slap on the wrist (just enough to hurt his dignity) is all right. However, hitting a child hard enough to hurt him physically may rid you of YOUR hostilities, but it will only teach the child that violence is the answer to all conflicts.

Don't ever tell a child he's "bad." If he misbehaves, tell him you do not like what he DID; don't tell him you don't like HIM.

Give a child lots of love, and when he comes to you with a confession, don't be too hard on him.

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A Montana wife asked you why her husband suddenly started to wear a tiny gold earring in his left ear. (She asked him and he refused to tell her.) You said you didn't know, but if she ever found out, to let you know.

I'm surprised that you didn't know, Abby. It means that he has become a member of the gay community. -- HEP IN OAKLAND

DEAR ABBY: That Montana husband probably wears a gold earring in his left ear for the same reason I have a gold tooth in front with a ruby in it. I like it! -- AN INDIVIDUAL

DEAR INDIVIDUAL: I'm with you. A person's right to be himself is one of our cherished freedoms, so why should a person have to "explain" his reason for it? It's HIS ear and HIS business, and as far as I know, wearing an earring is neither immoral nor illegal. But there seems to be a variety of opinions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man who had his ears pierced four years ago, and you wouldn't believe the static I've had from people because of one little speck of gold the size of a pinhead!

I've been accused of being a homosexual, a latent transvestite and just plain weird. I assure you I am as average as most men.

I attend college and see more and more macho guys wearing earrings on campus. I don't know if there is any significance to wearing only one earring in the left ear. I wear mine there because I am right-handed and it's easier to put on. My buddy wears one in his right ear because it's not seen by the police if he's stopped for a traffic violation. Sign me ... PIERCED AND PROUD

DEAR ABBY: A sailor who has sailed three years on the coast of China wears a gold ring in his left ear to prove that he has been there. -- RETIRED CAPTAIN, AGE 80

DEAR ABBY: Men have worn earrings for centuries -- Shakespeare, Rembrandt and King James II, to name a few of the more prominent of them.

Ancient Greeks and Romans borrowed the custom from the Persian and Indian men. Our own American Indian braves also wore earrings. And how about the early African warriors? And the pirates?

Men wore earrings long before women did, so why all the ruckus? -- LIVE AND LET LIVE

DEAR ABBY: According to an ancient Chinese belief, the wearing of an earring in the left ear symbolizes that that person's life has been endangered, and to prevent a recurrence, an earring is worn. It is supposedly protection against bad luck. -- AUDREY IN SINGAPORE

DEAR ABBY: A man wears a gold earring in his left ear to let the world know that he has crossed the equator. -- OLD MARINER

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who wears a little gold earring in my left ear because of my religion.

I am a Buddist, and all Buddists wear one gold earring -- and always in the left ear.

I am surprised you didn't know that, Abby. -- A BUDDIST

DEAR BUDDHIST: And if you are really a Buddhist, I am surprised that you don't know how to spell "Buddhist."

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

LOVE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO AMERICAN INDIAN COUPLES

DEAR ABBY: When a reader asked you if Indian men were superior to white men in the art of lovemaking, you suggested that he contact the Bureau of Indian Affairs or the American Indian Movement.

As the executive director of the American Indian Movement, I feel it is my duty to respond.

For the Indian, "love" does not begin when the lights go out or when pot or liquor is consumed, and it is not confined to the bedroom or any other hidden place.

The way in which the Indian treats his wife throughout the marriage is the key to making him a superior lover. His daily acts of kindness, consideration and respect for her demonstrate his love.

While we recognize that the sex act may send man's mind afloat for a few fleeting moments, it is but a minute part of the overall act of love.

The above code of behavior plus the Indian's respect for women have been passed down from father to son. I personally have 15 children and am an Ojibway Indian.

Very truly yours, DENNIS J. BANKS

DEAR ABBY: May I answer "Ed in East Illinois," who asked: "Is it true that closely guarded tribal secrets on how to please a woman are passed down from father to son, making Indians better lovers than white men?"

First the white man took all the Indian's land and some of his women. Now they want the Indian's "love secrets." No way! The Indian needs something to call his own. -- HALF-BLOODED INDIAN

DEAR ABBY: Now I know why the Lone Ranger never got the girl. They all ended up with Jay Silverheels, that good-looking Indian who played Tonto. -- SEMINOLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: Tell "Ed," "Yes, there are many closely guarded, secret Indian lovemaking tricks." You will notice that divorce is very rare among Indians. That's because they know how to please their women.

Secrets like the "Apache grip" and the "Kickapoo twist" will never be sold or given away by a true Indian. -- MIKE WHITEFEATHER IN SEATTLE

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Ed in East Illinois": I have lived with a Mandan Indian for five years, and I wouldn't trade him for FIVE white lovers. He is the greatest! -- LINDA IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: I am one-half Indian and have had two Indian squaws, who both ran off with white men. Apparently the "closely guarded secrets" of lovemaking from the Indian side of my family were not passed on to me. -- LONELY WOLF IN HOUSTON

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WILLIE IN WACO": Yes, there are plenty of dangers. Sometimes just the thought of getting into hot water keeps a guy clean.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)