DEAR ABBY: My husband says that I snore, but I know I don't. One thing I know for certain is that HE snores; and if I don't fall asleep before he does, I am up all night. He tells me that he is up all night because of MY snoring, which is ridiculous because if he were up, he wouldn't be keeping me up with his snoring.

How can we find out the truth? Don't suggest we have a third party sleep with us, as I am very old-fashioned. -- HATTIE

DEAR HATTIE: Buy, rent or borrow a tape recorder and turn it on when you both retire. Whoever is awake while the other is snoring should say, "I am awake, so YOU must be snoring!" And that should settle it!

DEAR ABBY: My problem is a husband who thinks he's funny. I had a very nice dinner party at home the other night and was especially proud of the way everything turned out.

Well, when the guests were leaving, my husband said, "Come back soon because the only time I get a decent meal around here is when we have company." Everybody laughed, but I wanted to crawl into a hole.

He said that once before and it got a big laugh, so he pulled it again.

In the first place, Abby, it's not true. I pride myself on always feeding my family very well. I told him later I didn't think that crack was very funny, but he said, "I was only kidding."

Is there a clever retort I could use in case my husband the comic says that again? -- TICKED OFF IN TULSA

DEAR TICKED: You could say (only kidding, of course), "The only time my ever lovin' Scrooge gives me money for fancy groceries is when we have company."

DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column about people who were always mooching rides, and these moochers were called "schnorrers."

I would like to know where that term came from. We are one of the 200 families in the United States with the name of "Schnorr," and we object to the use of our name with such a meaning.

We hope that the Schnorr families in Oregon, New Mexico, Illinois and all other states feel as we do and that you get 199 more letters of protest. -- THE SCHNORRS OF ARIZONA

DEAR SCHNORRS: The verb "to beg" is "schnorren" in German. From it comes the noun "schnorrer" -- which means "a beggar, a panhandler, a moocher, a cheapskate, a chiseler, a bum, a drifter or a borrower." It can also mean a compulsive bargain hunter, bargainer or an impudent indigent.

The above information was "schnorred" (borrowed without permission) from "The Joys of Yiddish" -- a delightful and authoritative book written by Leo Rosten.

Want your phone to ring? Get Abby's booklet, "How to Be Popular" -- for people of all ages. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I had some plumbing done. Due to some financial troubles, I wasn't able to pay the bill within 30 days.

Yesterday I received another bill with a note from the plumber's wife, who does his bookkeeping. It read: "Jim does not expect to take this bill out in trade, so please remit!" And she signed her name.

I sent a check for the full amount and enclosed the following note: "I was not aware that your husband was in the habit of taking his bills out in trade, but if he does, I feel very sorry for you." And I signed my name.

My son saw the note from the plumber's wife to me and recommended that I take it to a lawyer and sue the woman for slander.

What would you do? -- INSULTED

DEAR INSULTED: I would send her a get-well card. She is sick. (I would also let the plumber know what kind of statements his wife is sending out with his statements.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the number of girls who have written to you saying: "How can I get a guy interested in me without having it look like I'm chasing him?"

First off, I am a 21-year-old college man who would like some reasonable answers to the following questions:

1. Why can't a girl ask a guy out for a date? As a male, I would welcome girls who find me attractive enough to ask me out. Believe me, Abby, I'm fairly attractive myself and get my share of dates, but I see nothing wrong with girls being on an equal basis with men when it comes to the dating game.

2. Why can't a girl be the aggressive one if she so chooses?

3. Why is it "wrong" for a girl to pursue guys? -- I.W., BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR I.W.: Where have you been? Plenty of girls ask guys out. More girls ask guys "over," however, because there is no tab to pick up, which takes the pressure off both of them.

And many girls ARE aggressors. They don't apologize for it. Nor should they. All relationships should be based on honesty. And what's more disarming than having someone say, "I like you"? It doesn't matter who says it first. Girls are people, and people shouldn't play games. They should express themselves honestly, naturally and without embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: I don't understand what you mean when you tell girls: "Save yourself for the man you marry.

How does a girl know WHICH man she's going to marry? I have gone with five different guys at five different times, and I thought I was going to marry all of them, but I'm still single.

Will you please explain what you mean? -- STILL SINGLE

DEAR SINGLE: I mean, save yourself for the man you marry -- not the man you MAY marry.

CONFIDENTIAL TO LUCY: It's not always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It depends upon what you've lost.

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's new, updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old widow who is financially able to take care of myself. I have had a man in my life for the past three years. We tried living together (at my place), but it didn't work out.

Right now he is broke and unemployed, so I have been paying for all of our activities -- dinners out, trips, etc. He was just served with an eviction notice for non-payment of rent, and he wants to move in with me again. I do get lonely at times, but with him here, it would spoil my chances of finding someone else.

I feel bad for him, but he has caused his own problems. I find it difficult to say no. Abby, please give me some words of wisdom before I make a big mistake. -- FLORIDA WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: I see nothing wrong with a woman picking up the tab if she's better able to handle it than the man. But since he has caused his own problems, that changes the betting.

Tell him, "No -- we tried living together and it didn't work." Then end the discussion before he tries to persuade you to change your mind. There is something worse than occasional loneliness, dear lady, and if you let him get his foot in the door, you'll find out what it is.

DEAR ABBY: I was both disgusted and saddened by a recent letter in your column from a woman whose husband was in jail for his third drunk driving offense, and she didn't know how to tell their 6 1/2-year-old son.

She said her husband didn't steal anything, or commit a violent crime, and implied that he didn't belong in jail because he really didn't do anything wrong. She whined about what a humiliating experience it was for her and her family. Well, I have a message for her:

Lady, listen up, and listen good! The truth hurts, but you and your son will be better off if you face up to it. Three drunk driving convictions point very strongly to alcoholism. By sheer luck, your husband is not in jail for manslaughter. The next time he drives drunk, he may kill someone. It is miraculous that he hasn't already.

You may not consider drunk driving a serious crime, but it is. Your husband needs HELP as well as jail time. And YOU should start attending Al-Anon meetings as soon as you can, because from the tone of your letter, you need help, too. You appear to be an "enabler." If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for your son.

My life was almost ruined by an alcoholic stepparent. I saved myself through sheer determination and help from Al-Anon and my church. You have a choice. -- BROKE THE CYCLE IN DALLAS