DEAR ABBY: In December 1987, I sent Christmas cards to all six of the addresses you had in your Operation Dear Abby III column. I received three responses -- one was from a Ken Castaneda, serving on the USS Coral Sea. (The others wrote nice letters, but Ken's was special.)

When Ken received my Christmas card, he was on a Mediterranean cruise, and we corresponded until his ship pulled into Norfolk, Va., in March of 1988. Ken went on leave to his hometown of Brighton, Colo., and we talked for the first time when he called me in my hometown of St. Charles, Mo. He decided to drive from Colorado through Missouri to meet me on his way back to Virginia. (We still joke that if it hadn't been "on the way" we would not have met.)

To make a long story short, we had an awesome time together -- and we have had a long-distance relationship since then. But now, we are making our dream come true, as you can see from the enclosed wedding invitation. How can I thank you? -- TONJA DILLON

DEAR TONJA: You just did, and when this goes to press you will be Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Castaneda. Congratulations and all good wishes to you both.

DEAR ABBY: I can't believe you let the woman who didn't know whether to tell her son that his dad is in jail get by with such flippancy about the nature of his crime. Driving drunk IS a violent crime. On at least three occasions he could have killed people, and if her big city is like ours (Houston), it's unlikely that he was caught every time he broke the law, and likely that he was completely over the edge before the police noticed. That she dismissed his level of wrongdoing by saying, "My husband didn't steal anything, nor did he commit a violent crime," indicates that she still doesn't get it.

I'd rather have a role model for my child who stole to feed the family, than one who takes others' lives in his hands so casually and without redemption. -- DEBRA DANBURG, STATE REPRESENTATIVE, AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR MS. DANBURG: The mother wrote asking whether she should tell her 6 1/2-year-old son that his father was in jail for a year for driving drunk -- or would it be better to say, "Daddy is away on business and he may be gone for a long time"?

I advised her to tell her son the truth; I didn't think it was necessary to rub salt in her wounds by reiterating that driving drunk is a very serious crime. She already knows that.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CHARLIE IN CINCINNATI: Samuel Johnson said, "Every animal revenges his pains upon those who happen to be near." Man is no exception.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column about calling 35- and 44-year-olds "our children," I had to smile.

Our children are 26, 27, 29, 30 and 34, and we still call them "the kids."

My husband is 59 and I am 50, and his parents always refer to us as "the kids." But what really strikes me as being funny is hearing the grandparents who are 76 and 75 years old call my in-laws "the kids."

Don't you just love it, Abby? It sounds so loving and youthful. -- MARJORIE GELLAT

DEAR MARJORIE: I more than "just love it" -- I can relate to it. My husband and I, at age 73, are still called "the kids" by his parents, who are 92 and 93 years old. And may the good Lord continue to bless that beautiful couple, Rose and Jay Phillips of Minneapolis, married 74 years ago today. Happy anniversary, Mother and Dad!

DEAR ABBY: In the words of William Wordsworth, "The child is father of the man." The definition of a "child" as offered by the couple who signed themselves "Ohio Parents" was limited. (They felt that at age 35 and 44, it was inappropriate to refer to their heirs as "children.")

We have had this discussion in our house many times. In biblical usage, "children" are descendants regardless of their ages.

I have two adult sons. I maintain that I will always be their mother. Consequently, these fine young men, both in their 20s, will always be my children. -- MICHIGAN MOMMY

DEAR ABBY: Your correspondent, "C.C. in Florida," is misinformed. The story that a Japanese manufacturer marked his products "MADE IN USA" in an attempt to mislead the buyer is not only false, it is a rumor that has been going around for at least a quarter of a century.

This tale was given worldwide publicity when it was published in Reader's Digest back in the 1960s. Your column is so widely read that the letter from C.C. will probably do as much to keep that rumor alive.

Abby, there IS a "Usa," Japan, but it is a tiny village with no manufacturing facilities. A check with the Japanese consulate in Los Angeles should confirm that. Also, no Japanese city has changed its name to "Usa" to mislead people.

Finally, a Japanese product marked "Made in USA" would be in violation of U.S Customs regulations, and would not be allowed into this country. -- JAMES STEELE

DEAR JAMES STEELE: Thank you for setting the record straight. I hope C.C. sees this.

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago our son, "Al," got his girlfriend, "Tara," pregnant. Tara was 15 and Al was 18 at the time. A week after our grandson was born, Tara's parents kicked her out of their house, so we took her and the baby into our home where we lived happily as a family.

As time went on, Tara got pregnant again -- also from our son -- and when she became of age to marry without her parents' consent, she and Al selected a date in September (1990). Al was a college student living at our home with Tara and the babies.

One month before the wedding, Al was killed in an auto accident. During his funeral, we treated Tara as his widow.

Tara has since reconciled with her parents, and she and her children have moved back with them. She is now 19, but she doesn't date yet because she's still grieving for Al. We hope that one day she will have a normal life, but she is not interested yet.

She attends all of our family functions, birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, etc., just as though she were Al's widow.

Abby, we feel that it may be an embarrassment to her when we introduce her as "Tara, the mother of our grandchildren." Since she and Al were never married, she is not technically our daughter-in-law. So, how should she be introduced? -- AL'S FATHER IN GEORGIA

DEAR FATHER: Introduce her as "Tara, the mother of our grandchildren." Your family and close friends will know the background, and casual acquaintances and strangers do not need to know her history. Or ask Tara how she would like to be introduced and abide by her wishes.

DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to "Guilty in Antigo, Wis." -- the smoker who was made to feel like a leper by society because she smokes.

I am not a smoker, but my mother was. I have inhaled my share of secondhand smoke, which, in turn, may have made me more tolerant of smokers today, but non-smokers should check their own bad habits before looking down their noses at smokers.

Put me next to a smoker anytime on an airplane, in a restaurant or theater, before you put me next to a squawling baby or a loud, obnoxious person! Most of my friends who smoke go outside to do so out of consideration for non-smokers, but how many people do you see actually leaving a restaurant or a theater when their child acts up?

What I'm saying is, we all have habits and/or actions that may annoy others.

If smoking is the only bad habit "Guilty in Antigo" has, I'd love to have her over for coffee and a cigarette sometime. If she can handle my nail-biting and gossiping, I can handle her cigarette-smoking. -- NOT PERFECT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)