DEAR ABBY: I am a child psychologist and the mother of two. There is certainly controversy in the field of child development concerning pacifiers. However, most professionals believe that there is no harm in giving pacifiers to infants as long as the pacifier is "orthodontically approved" -- meaning the shape prevents the development of a tongue-thrusting habit.

It is important to understand that the sucking reflex, being necessary for survival, is the strongest reflex in a newborn. Some infants display a stronger need to suck than others. If a mother were to attempt to satisfy this need with breast or bottle, the result would be overfeeding -- and a very tired mother.

Use of a pacifier is harmless as long as the infant is weaned from it, much as one weans a baby from a bottle.

My younger daughter was born with an extremely strong sucking reflex. When the pediatrician came to the hospital and lifted her from her bassinet, all of the bedding came with her -- she had tried to stuff it into her mouth! The pediatrician said, "I hope you have a pacifier at home."

Abby, the next time you print a letter from a "child development specialist," please check with other professionals before unnecessarily alarming thousands of parents who are already bombarded with well-intentioned advice from every side. As with everything, moderation is the key. -- PRO-PACIFIER, MONROE, MICH.

DEAR PRO-PACIFIER: Meet another pro-pacifier enthusiast who shares your opinion of the child development specialist.

DEAR ABBY: I am really incensed by this "child development specialist" who, by sheer ego and self-importance, purports to know more than the instincts of a mother.

I am equally incensed at her allegation that parents who give their children pacifiers are really pacifying themselves to keep their children quiet.

How dare this "child development specialist" insinuate that I am a bad mother for using pacifiers! If I were to listen to the constantly changing theories of these child development specialists and actually put to use some of their theories, my children would be so confused, they wouldn't know which way is up!

I would like to see the research that backs up her theory that the use of pacifiers can lead to smoking, overeating and alcoholism. Furthermore, what makes this woman a "child development specialist"? Is it education or experience? If experience counts for anything, I am a child development specialist myself. I'm raising twins. -- PAM ISAACSON, EL PASO

DEAR ABBY: Some very close friends are planning a surprise 25th wedding anniversary party for a special couple we all love.

The friends who are planning the party want all the other friends of this couple to participate. Would it be considered tacky to put on the invitation: "In lieu of a gift, please make a cash contribution to help defray the cost of catering"? -- "US" IN BALTIMORE

DEAR "US": Yes, it would be tacky. If the "very close friends" want to plan the party together and split the cost, fine -- but do not ask the invited guests to chip in.

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In Richland, Wash., men and women are carrying signs and parading small children in front of family-planning clinics in opposition to a woman's right to choose.

Meanwhile, a newborn baby boy was dumped in an apartment complex trash bin and left to die. He was found, hospitalized and survived. The baby, his 17-year-old mother and another son, a 1 1/2-year-old, have been placed in separate King County foster-care families.

Abby, please print the letter signed "Hates Hypocrites" again. In light of the abovementioned incident -- which is occurring all over the nation -- that letter needs to be seen again. -- BARBARA HARROW, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR BARBARA: Indeed I will. And here it is:

DEAR ABBY: This is a message to those men and women who try to prevent women from entering abortion clinics and carry big signs that say, "They Kill Babies Here!"

Have you signed up to adopt a child? If not, why not? Is it because you don't want one, can't afford one, or don't have the time, patience or desire to raise a child?

What if a woman who was about to enter a family-planning clinic saw your sign, then decided not to have an abortion but chose instead to give her baby to you? Would you accept it? What if the mother belonged to a minority group -- or was addicted to drugs, or tested positive for AIDS?

Why are you spending your time carrying a sign? Why aren't you volunteering to baby-sit a child born to a single mother so she can work? Why haven't you opened your door to a pregnant teen-ager whose parents have kicked her out when she took your advice and decided not to have an abortion?

As for the taxpayers who resent paying for abortions, who do you think pays for foster care, welfare, social workers and juvenile delinquency? The taxpayers.

Let's talk about something money can't buy: love. Have you ever visited a home for abused and unwanted children? Have you ever been to juvenile hall and seen the children who have committed crimes because they were born to mothers who didn't want them?

I'm not thrilled about abortion, but I don't think anyone has the right to tell others not to have one unless he or she has done the things I have mentioned above.

So, to those carrying those signs and trying to prevent women from entering family planning clinics, heed my message: If you must be against abortion, don't be a hypocrite -- make your time and energy count. -- HATES HYPOCRITES IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.

DEAR HATES: I couldn't have said it better. Or as well.

DEAR ABBY: To the Caucasian couple with the adopted Korean child: I, too, have been confronted by many unthinking strangers with rude comments. My most memorable occurred while grocery shopping with my blond-haired, blue-eyed biological son and my dark-haired, dark-complexioned adopted daughter.

A woman approached me and asked, "Are these your children?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Different fathers?" she asked.

"Yes, and different mothers, too," I replied.

"Oh," she said, looking confused. "With people sleeping around so much these days, I just thought --" I didn't let her finish. I just walked away and left her with her big mouth hanging open. -- C.M. IN APPLE VALLEY, MINN.

Hot off the press -- Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: The letter from the woman who felt a lump in her breast but was afraid to go to the doctor prompted a deluge of mail. Some typical letters:

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mother and three sisters to cancer, so I can sympathize with "Scared to Death," who felt a lump in her breast and was afraid to get a mammogram.

I join you, Abby, in urging all women -- even those without lumps -- to get mammograms regularly. They can save your life. Please tell your readers that any woman can get breast cancer whether it's in her family or not; 80 percent of the women who get breast cancer do NOT have it in their family.

A mammogram can detect breast cancer two years before a woman or her doctor can feel a lump. All women should have regular mammograms beginning at age 40 -- particularly women of color because they are more likely to die because they didn't catch it early enough.

I urge all my sisters, black or white, to educate themselves about this scary but treatable disease. For more information, your readers can dial 1-800-4-CANCER. -- PATTI LABELLE

DEAR ABBY: In 1977, when I discovered a lump in my breast, I was terrified! Nevertheless, I made an appointment to see my doctor, and a week after my "positive" biopsy, I had a modified radical mastectomy. I was devastated and depressed.

The third day after my surgery, a lovely, cheerful lady showed up in my hospital room and asked me if I had ever heard of "Reach to Recovery." I told her I had not. Then she went on to explain that my surgeon had contacted the American Cancer Society and requested that a volunteer from that organization pay me a visit.

This encouraging woman told me that she, too, had had a mastectomy. She gave me some exercises to do, and also gave me a "rest bra" and a temporary prosthesis. But the best thing she gave me was hope and assurance that I was still the same woman I had been before the surgery.

Since that time, I have become a volunteer in the Reach to Recovery program and have enjoyed the rewards of helping many other women who were as heartbroken and depressed as I had been before Reach to Recovery reached out to me. -- BARBARA J. MYHRE, BANDERA, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Like "Scared to Death," I felt a lump in my breast. Unlike her, I immediately saw my doctor. Even though it was cancer, I was one of the lucky ones because I sought early diagnosis and treatment and I am alive today to talk about it.

"Scared to Death" is afraid of how her husband would feel about her following a mastectomy. I had the same fears, but throughout my ordeal, my husband was my biggest supporter and my best friend. If anything, the situation brought us closer together. He says he loves me for me, not for my body parts.

I am thankful to have made it and I would love to tell the world that I am extremely proud of my supportive husband. If you use my letter, feel free to use my real name. -- JAN NICHOLS, CARLETON, MICH.

DEAR ABBY: I had just returned home from a routine mammogram when I read the letter from "Scared to Death." I watched my own mother's painful battle with breast cancer (both breasts). However, she won that battle and came away with a beautiful reconstruction job. Now she jokes about having firm breasts in her 60s! Two of my aunts and my grandmother had mastectomies, and none of their husbands left them. In fact, they outlived their husbands! -- A SURVIVOR IN COLORADO

To get Abby's booklet, "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)