DEAR ABBY: For quite a long time now, when certain situations arise, I ask myself, "What would Dear Abby say?" I would like to address this situation:

Before I was married, I visited my parents (they live nearby) several times a week. Now I am married -- with new friends, wanting to spend time with my husband and also visit my other siblings. This means that my husband and I don't visit my parents as much.

The problem? I feel guilty for not spending more time with them. My mother makes comments like, "Oh, we haven't seen you for months!" (Not true, Abby; we see them at least twice a month.)

I know that we are only as guilty as we make ourselves feel, but I would like to know, in Dear Abby's opinion, how often is often enough to visit parents? They don't seem to understand that there are other people in my life now, and working every day makes me tired at the end of the day and weekends are precious. Any comments? -- FEELING GUILTY

DEAR GUILTY: No one can "make" you feel guilty without your permission.

Your reasons for seeing less of your parents now are legitimate, so when you mother "reminds" you that your visits are less frequent, don't apologize (like a child); explain to her -- as you did to me -- that there are other people in your life now, and working every day is very tiring and weekends are precious.

DEAR ABBY: My brother's son is getting married soon in Chicago. The number of family on the groom's side will be limited, as none of us live in Chicago. We will have to fly in the night before in order to attend the wedding, which is scheduled for 2 p.m. We will not be able to leave for home the day of the wedding because there are no evening flights.

So -- after the airfare, hotel for two nights, meals, car rental, etc. -- the wedding will cost each of us well over $700, not including the gift.

I have just found out that the groom's family will not be invited to the rehearsal dinner, even though we are all from out of town. (There will be only six or eight of us.)

We are very hurt to think that we will be left alone in a hotel in a strange city after all of the effort and expense we will go through to attend this wedding.

Don't tell us it is our choice to go or not. We know that, but his wife would never forgive us if we didn't come, and besides, we really want to be there to see this nephew married.

Please try to explain why my brother and his wife are excluding us from the rehearsal dinner. It can't be the cost -- they can well afford a few more dinners. What do the etiquette books say? -- HURT IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURT: I don't know why your brother and his wife are excluding you from the rehearsal dinner if -- as you say -- they can well afford it.

The etiquette books say that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner, which is traditionally hosted by the groom or his family.

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When is it proper to play Cupid? My best friend, "Marsha," lost her husband a few months ago. He had a massive heart attack with no warning whatsoever. He was healthy and athletic.

A few years ago, Marsha and my cousin, "Marc," met at my daughter's christening. It was obvious that there was a strong mutual attraction between them, but they were both seeing other people at the time, so nothing came of it, and they both eventually married other people.

I just learned that Marc and his wife have split. Being a matchmaker is not something I do regularly, but I just know that Marsha and Marc would make a great team.

How can I get them together? And when would be the proper time?

I don't want Marsha to think I'm insensitive, but they are both very attractive people, and I don't want to chance either one of them getting involved with someone else before they have a chance to get together. -- FRUSTRATED CUPID

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Idle your motor -- you may be too late already. Do not mention Marc's availability to Marsha until you feel that Marsha is ready for another romance. And don't assume that Marc is waiting around for another involvement.

When Marsha is ready, contact Marc and ask him, "What's new?" and, "Are you 'involved'?" If nothing is new and Marc is not involved, tell him about Marsha's availability -- and let him take it from there.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old future bride with a small problem. My mother and father were divorced when I was 10, and my mother married "Len" a year later. Len has been a wonderful stepfather whom I love dearly. My biological father and I had problems during my adolescent years. (We didn't speak to each other for four years.) My stepfather (Len) was a far more loving father to me -- in fact, he was the one who got me together again with my biological father.

Now I am going to be married. I read in a bridal magazine that where there is a biological father and stepfather involved, the bride's biological father is supposed to walk her down the aisle and give her away in marriage, and the stepfather has the privilege of dancing the first dance with the bride.

Is this the proper arrangement? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I have always had a much better relationship with my stepfather. -- HAPPY BUT CONFUSED

DEAR HAPPY: There are no hard and fast "rules" when it comes to weddings. If you're having problems deciding which man should walk you down the aisle, why not give both of them the honor? It has been done -- and with great success. Also consider walking down the aisle alone. It's the choice of many brides, and makes an impressive sight.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYBODY: "Nothing is sometimes the right thing to say." (Malcolm Forbes)

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a church organist and have played for many weddings. After being underpaid, paid with knickknacks from the local gift shop, or not being paid at all because the couple assumed the music "came with the church," I decided to be more direct about my fees.

Now when a couple ask me to play for their wedding, I tell them up front what the cost will be, and what it covers (my travel time, the wedding rehearsal, providing music prior to the ceremony, etc.). I even ask them to please pay me at the rehearsal -- because it has been my experience that the best man, or the bride's father, or whoever had my check often forgot to give it to me in the excitement of the wedding day.

My "policy" as helped me avoid much confusion and hard feelings.

Pastors should be compensated for performing the service, and they need to speak up in this regard. I know it's often difficult to ask church members (or non-members) for money, but most folks are relieved not to have to guess at what might be an appropriate fee for weddings, funerals, etc.

As an aside, I was appalled when my own pastor told my fiance and me prior to our wedding that he had been paid anywhere from $10 to $500, and we should set our own payment. He and I were close enough friends that I could say, "My dentist doesn't let me decide how much I should pay him -- and you shouldn't either!" (He got the message.) -- PAID IN FULL IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR PAID IN FULL: Thanks for clearing up a great many doubts in the minds of many. Some pastors and church organists are somewhat timid about mentioning "fees," so I'm printing your very helpful letter.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to comment about the letter signed "Brokenhearted Mother," who didn't want Grandma, who lives 1,000 miles away, to know that her favorite grandson (age 19) was in jail.

Abby, your advice was the best ever. "Tell the truth, and tell it now," you said. "If you don't, it will be found out." I know. It happened to me.

My story is similar, only my parents live just around the corner. "Joey," our youngest (age 16) got mixed up with the wrong crowd and had to spend seven months in a detention center. I, too, made up excuses for his always being "away" when Grandma phoned. ("Joey is in the shower," or "Joey is in the darkroom developing.") I kept this up for four months. Finally my mother said, "I know where Joey is. He has been writing to us!" Needless to say, I felt like a fool.

When Joey came home, I helped him unpack, and I found a large collection of letters -- several from some of our neighbors! This surprised me. Joey said he wrote to almost everybody he knew, hoping they'd write back because getting mail was the only thing he had to look forward to -- besides getting out.

I've been reading your column for years, and this is the first time I've seen this problem mentioned. "Brokenhearted Mother" is not alone. -- BROKENHEARTED IN TORONTO

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)