DEAR ABBY: I am a church organist and have played for many weddings. After being underpaid, paid with knickknacks from the local gift shop, or not being paid at all because the couple assumed the music "came with the church," I decided to be more direct about my fees.

Now when a couple ask me to play for their wedding, I tell them up front what the cost will be, and what it covers (my travel time, the wedding rehearsal, providing music prior to the ceremony, etc.). I even ask them to please pay me at the rehearsal -- because it has been my experience that the best man, or the bride's father, or whoever had my check often forgot to give it to me in the excitement of the wedding day.

My "policy" as helped me avoid much confusion and hard feelings.

Pastors should be compensated for performing the service, and they need to speak up in this regard. I know it's often difficult to ask church members (or non-members) for money, but most folks are relieved not to have to guess at what might be an appropriate fee for weddings, funerals, etc.

As an aside, I was appalled when my own pastor told my fiance and me prior to our wedding that he had been paid anywhere from $10 to $500, and we should set our own payment. He and I were close enough friends that I could say, "My dentist doesn't let me decide how much I should pay him -- and you shouldn't either!" (He got the message.) -- PAID IN FULL IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR PAID IN FULL: Thanks for clearing up a great many doubts in the minds of many. Some pastors and church organists are somewhat timid about mentioning "fees," so I'm printing your very helpful letter.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to comment about the letter signed "Brokenhearted Mother," who didn't want Grandma, who lives 1,000 miles away, to know that her favorite grandson (age 19) was in jail.

Abby, your advice was the best ever. "Tell the truth, and tell it now," you said. "If you don't, it will be found out." I know. It happened to me.

My story is similar, only my parents live just around the corner. "Joey," our youngest (age 16) got mixed up with the wrong crowd and had to spend seven months in a detention center. I, too, made up excuses for his always being "away" when Grandma phoned. ("Joey is in the shower," or "Joey is in the darkroom developing.") I kept this up for four months. Finally my mother said, "I know where Joey is. He has been writing to us!" Needless to say, I felt like a fool.

When Joey came home, I helped him unpack, and I found a large collection of letters -- several from some of our neighbors! This surprised me. Joey said he wrote to almost everybody he knew, hoping they'd write back because getting mail was the only thing he had to look forward to -- besides getting out.

I've been reading your column for years, and this is the first time I've seen this problem mentioned. "Brokenhearted Mother" is not alone. -- BROKENHEARTED IN TORONTO

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a first-time mother, I want to give our child the best. Since Nicholas is now 19 months old, he will soon be spending more time with his paternal grandparents. They crave all the time they can get with him, and he loves them dearly. It would also give my husband and me a much-needed break if Nicky could spend weekends and vacations with his grandparents.

The problem is their grammar. It is atrocious! The double negatives, the "ain'ts," the sloppy way they speak ("It's gonna rain Sa-erdee"), etc., just drive me batty! I don't want Nicky to speak that way. And suppose he picks up incorrect grammar from his grandparents -- am I to say, "Your grandparents are ignorant"?

Compounding the problem is the fact that I'm raising Nicky to be bilingual. I speak to him in Greek, and thus far that's the only language he speaks. He is sure to pick up English from playmates and other sources.

In spite of the rubbish that exists around most children today, I am determined that Nicky will speak properly, so I am at painful odds what to do about his grandparents' speech. Can you help me? -- NICKY'S MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Developing a close and loving relationship with his grandparents will be of greater value to Nicky than any protection you can give him against exposure to sloppy grammar.

As the daughter of Russian immigrants who came to America as young adults with virtually no knowledge of the English language, I somehow managed to learn how to speak properly. And so did they. And so will Nicky. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor lives a few short steps from my back door; we have adjoining yards, yet she calls me on the phone intermittently all day long -- just to chat. I wouldn't mind if she called once for a brief conversation, but she often calls three to four and even five times a day, just to ask me what I'm doing. She has invited me over for coffee, and I have invited her here -- but once she's here, she stays too long.

She's 35 years old, no children, and doesn't want any. I work for my husband's business in my home, and this neighbor is getting to be too much for me. I got an answering machine, and she leaves messages for me to call her. Should I call her back or ignore her messages? I hate to hurt her feelings, but I don't know what else to do. I've even considered moving, but why should I move when I love this house? -- STIFLED

DEAR STIFLED: You must tell your neighbor that just because you are home all day does not mean that you are not working; explain that you work for your husband during the day.

Suggest that she do volunteer work -- there are numerous good causes in every community. And if she continues to leave messages, do not return her calls.

CONFIDENTIAL: To those readers who have tried without success to locate the Exchange Club Center for the Prevention of Child Abuse of Southern Minnesota, the address is: 285 18th St. S.E., Owatonna, Minn. 55060. The telephone number is (507) 455-1190. Child abuse is everyone's problem, but by working together, parents and professionals can break the cycle.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 19-year-old daughter is a college sophomore, living at school.

Recently, while in her old room at home, I came across a pharmacy bag containing contraceptive supplies with a receipt dated 2 1/2 years ago. At that time, she was dating a 19-year-old guy, with whom she recently broke up (six months ago) after a three-year relationship.

She's a great kid, well-adjusted, always obeyed her curfew, and doesn't drink or do drugs. Should I just forget about this and be glad she at least took responsibility for protecting herself? (She has never been willing to discuss sex with me.)

I have not mentioned this to her father. Should I? I feel a bit like a traitor keeping it from him, but he is her father. Thank you for any advice you can offer. -- HER MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter is to be commended for her (a) maturity and (b) sense of responsibility regarding contraception.

If it will ease your mind to have a private conversation with your daughter about your "discovery," do so. But if sharing the information with your husband could possibly sour their relationship, please reconsider. The past is history.

DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter signed "'Real' Adoptive Parent" from a mother who was upset by insensitive questions. My wife and I are the parents of three girls: one, an adopted Korean-born child; another, a biracial child; and one who is our daughter by birth.

We belong to a local adoptive-parent support group where we have heard every imaginable story about encounters with prejudice and insensitivity. We have also learned how to handle such questions.

When asked what seems to be an impertinent question, it is best to assume that there was no harm intended.

For example, one woman asked if my Korean daughter was "mine." When I responded, "Yes," she asked, "How much did she cost?"

When asked, "What happened to her 'real' mother?" a good response would be, "I have been married to her for more than 20 years."

When asked, "Are they your natural children?" I say, "We don't use any preservatives or artificial ingredients."

By answering good-naturedly, and with a little humor, parents can communicate two very important lessons to their children: how they can one day handle such questions, should the need arise; and at the same time demonstrate that since the parents are not embarrassed by their family, neither should the chidren be. -- ROBERT KLAHN, PRESIDENT, RAINBOW FAMILIES, TOLEDO, OHIO

DEAR ROBERT: Thank you for your helpful suggestions, as well as your eye-opening letter.

Families interested in information about adoption can contact Adoptive Families of America, 3333 Highway 100 North, Minneapolis, Minn. 55422. You will be provided a free information packet upon request. No self-addressed, stamped envelope is required.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single person who recently took a trip to an important sporting event with two married couples. My question: What should my share be when it comes to expenses?

For instance, it cost $20 to park our van. Should I pay one-third of the cost with each married couple paying a third? Or should I pay one-fifth of the cost -- with each person paying one-fifth?

I paid one-third of the parking and gas bill. Was this justified, or should I mention to the couples that I am only one-fifth of the group? -- WISCONSINITE

DEAR WISCONSINITE: Unless you are on a very tight budget, assume one-third of the expenses. Otherwise, "take the fifth."

Hot off the press -- Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)