DEAR ABBY: Our son has not spoken to us in four years. He is our only child, and we live in the same city. We had a misunderstanding over a petty incident, and he has ignored us ever since. He is married and has a teen-aged son.

We are not rich, but we do have some assets that have appreciated over the years. Our son and his family are our only heirs. We are considering rewriting our wills and leaving our son out of it. As for our grandson, we hardly know him because we haven't seen him in four years.

We would appreciate any advice you can give us. We trust your judgment. -- WITHHOLD OUR NAME, PLEASE

DEAR WITHHOLD: Either write to your son or call him and tell him you want to talk to him about your will -- that will probably bring him to your door in a hurry. If and when he shows up, try to settle your differences peacefully, so you can be a family again.

I hope he agrees to bury the hatchet, but if for some reason he is not willing, you would be justified in writing him off.

Please don't punish your grandson. He's the innocent victim of his father's anger. Give him a chance to establish some kind of rapport with you, and if he is a decent, caring young man, remember him generously in your will.

Otherwise, talk with your attorney about leaving everything to your favorite charities. And don't forget your local animal shelter. Animals want nothing from you but love.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is attracted to a pretty waitress at our favorite restaurant. We eat there at least once a week. She flirts openly with him and he loves it.

I have tried not to let it bother me, but she is getting very pushy. She compliments him on his hair, his eyes, his smile, and he eats it up. As soon as we come in, she comes to our booth and says, "I have a new joke for you," then she tells a dirty joke, and he breaks up laughing.

I suppose it's my husband's fault because he could tell her to get lost, but he doesn't.

I guess what really bothers me is the way he enjoys her company. He cheated on me once and it really hurt me, and I don't want to go through that again.

How do I deal with this situation? Don't tell me that we should stop going to that restaurant. It's very convenient, the food is good and the price is right. Please help me. -- WORRIED

DEAR WORRIED: Level with your husband. Tell him you are hurt when he pays so much attention to the waitress. Obviously she is trying to be entertaining, but she is out of line. If she didn't get so much encouragement, she'd back off.

DEAR ABBY: I enjoy reading your column in the Times-Picayune, but I've never written before.

Your quoting of Ogden Nash is not acceptable. He was a true versifier:

"Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants,

"Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.

"You look divine as you advance,

"Have you seen yourself retreating?

Now, that's poetry! -- THOMAS C. TEWS, NEW ORLEANS

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the Arizona woman whose family was banned from the church was right. You told her to complain to someone higher in the church. However, I hope she had better luck than I had.

I am a member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. The new pastor of my church did not know me, but she refused to speak to me; in effect, she ostracized my children and their terminally ill father from their congregation.

Apparently, my "sin" was providing shelter to another pastor who had two children, no job, no place to live and very little money. When I complained to the bishop, I was told that since I had given the appearance of having "traduced" (defamed or slandered) my marriage vows, my family could be treated whichever way the pastor wanted.

The head of the church refused to comment on the matter, saying this was a local issue, and he chose not to get involved. The local synod council did not respond at all.

Abby, please tell your readers that all clergy are human beings. By definition, 50 percent are below average, and sometimes you hit the bottom 10 percent. If the clergy do not practice what they preach, run -- do not walk -- to the nearest exit, and let them know why you are running away. -- NEW JERSEY

DEAR NEW JERSEY: What an eye-opener my mail has been this week! Most of us were raised to believe that all members of the clergy are somehow closer to God, and therefore superior beings. But, alas, they too are only human.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who has enjoyed your column in the Tampa Tribune for many years. I am in my mid-30s, stand 5 feet 11 inches, weigh 155 and appear to be as strong as an ox, so because of my size, I am asked to do some jobs you wouldn't ask a professional mover to do without a helper.

I clean houses for a living, and my clients ask, "Would you please move that hutch (fully loaded), or the refrigerator, or the king-size bed, or a huge dresser, and clean behind it today?" This has gone on for 10 years, and until just recently, I never had the right answer to give to these clods until one day it hit me!

Now when I am asked to move the piano or the refrigerator, I ask sweetly, "Do you have enough insurance to cover any injury I may get from moving this?" They get the picture real fast.

When I worked in an office in my early 20s, I was asked to move desks, filing cabinets and haul in boxes that had been delivered. No more! Sign me ... AIN'T NO OX

DEAR AIN'T: Thanks for a great letter as well as a valuable suggestion for big women who, because of their size, are asked to do more than their job descriptions call for.

CONFIDENTIAL TO YOU: Make this holiday a happy one. If you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't drink.

P.S. Happy birthday, Sissie!

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Now that vacation season has begun, will you please answer a question many people must have wondered about?

Every room in a hotel or motel has the management's "rights" posted. But what about the rights of the people renting that room?

Recently, my husband and I stopped in a small motel in Dade City, Fla. After we checked in, we learned that 10 of the 20 rooms were occupied by members of a family having a reunion! They pulled their cars into a circle in the parking lot, turned up their radios, got out their coolers and had a party. The noise and the laughter could have awakened the dead. And it went on until 2 a.m. Several of the other guests complained, but the owner sort of shrugged and indicated, "Too bad."

One man with a New York tag said he will never come to Florida again, which seemed a bit extreme -- but we were all furious. Abby, are there "rights" for travelers in a motel unaffiliated with a chain? -- UNHAPPY TRAVELER

DEAR UNHAPPY: Whether a motel is affiliated with a chain or not, it owes its occupants an atmosphere suitable for sleeping. Occasionally, even the best motels will have a noisy occupant, but the management usually makes an honest effort to quiet the disturbance. Sorry you picked a lemon.

Next time, before you register, ask whether there are any "conventions" booked during your stay. (I once stayed at a hotel on prom night -- and the revelry rivaled New Year's Eve's.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my granddaughter who has a set of triplets, now 7 months old.

Abby, please ask your readers to kindly refrain from stopping the parents of multiple-birth children to ask a lot of personal questions such as, "Did you take fertility drugs?"

Whenever my granddaughter takes her triplets out -- even for a breath of fresh air or grocery shopping -- she is stopped by people who want to take a look at the triplets and ask a lot of questions. It's so difficult for her to get her shopping done, or even take a leisurely walk.

Since you are a twin, you can probably feel for my granddaughter. -- CALIFORNIA GRANNY

DEAR GRANNY: Twins or triplets are sure to attract attention, so the person accompanying them had better be prepared to answer a lot of questions. (A double or triple buggy alone is an attention-getter.) Should a stranger ask a question that you feel is too personal to answer, let your response be, ""Forgive me if I choose not to answer so personal a question."

DEAR ABBY: "Wrong Guy in Cleveland," who gets numerous messages on his answering machine from people who have dialed his number by mistake, should record a new message. A suggestion: "You have reached Pennsylvania 65000. Please leave your name and telephone number, and your call will be returned as soon as possible. Wait for the beep." -- RIGHT GUY IN ELIZABETH, N.J.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)