DEAR ABBY: I am at the end of my rope. Actually, I am mad at myself because I just came home from another boring evening. I am a 74-year-old retired widower with time on my hands. I belong to a golf club where I hang out to kibitz with the card players.

A retired professional man about my age, also a widower, also kills time at the club. I felt sorry for him because he was always alone, so I started having lunch with him -- then he suggested we have dinner together (Dutch), so I said OK. Now I can't get rid of him.

He is the most boring person I've ever met. He talks about himself, his investments, his assets, his this, his that, and no matter how hard I try to get off his favorite subject (himself), he manages to get back on it.

I can't get rid of this obnoxious guy. He sticks like glue, and doesn't have one other friend at the club. Everybody avoids him because he is so egotistical and boring.

If you can solve this problem, Abby, you are a genius. For obvious reasons, I can't sign my name or location. Sign me ... TRAPPED

DEAR TRAPPED: You could do yourself and your boring friend an enormous favor if you sat him down and told him very frankly that he would not be so lonely if he made a few major changes in his personality.

Tell him that nobody wants to listen to a person who talks about nothing but himself and his assets. If he's all that well-heeled financially, he could benefit enormously from a few sessions with a psychologist. The truth may hurt, but it could also solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I go to a restaurant, we are served such large portions that we either have to ask for a doggie bag to take home what we can't eat, or we leave it on our plates to be thrown out.

At times we have ordered only one meal and an extra plate so we can split the dinner. This isn't always convenient because we both don't always want to eat the same thing.

The few restaurants that offer "lighter fare" serve diet foods. Why can't these restaurant owners realize that all people don't eat like harvest hands? I sometimes wonder if they realize how much food is wasted.

How can we get the restaurant owners to offer only half-portions? I can't be the only person who hates to see food wasted. How about it, Abby? Any suggestions on how to get this problem corrected? -- NOT THAT HUNGRY IN ORLANDO

DEAR NOT THAT HUNGRY: If you are suggesting that restaurateurs offer half the food at half the price, please read on: Restaurant owners could not survive on half the profit. Better leave things the way they are and give their customers doggie bags to tote home their leftovers.

CONFIDENTIAL TO NO GAMBLER IN LAS VEGAS: When it comes to birth control, the only method that's 100 percent effective is self-control.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Now that you have come to the defense of school bus drivers who complained that, like Rodney Dangerfield, they get no respect, how about doing the same for substitute teachers, who also get no respect?

We are expected to maintain order and promote learning in a different classroom every day with different kids who are accustomed to different rules.

But the hardest part of our job is the abuse we have to take from some of the students.

Most kids figure that a substitute teacher is fair game, so they push us as far as they can to see how much they can get away with. If we get fed up with rotten behavior and send the troublemakers to the principal's office, we're considered incompetent because we can't control the kids.

When it comes to getting no respect, a substitute teacher takes first prize. -- MOVING TARGET

DEAR TARGET: Obviously, times haven't changed much in the last half-century. When a substitute teacher shows up, there will always be kids who will try to see how much they can get away with.

However, the most competent teachers -- and the ones we remember best -- are those who demand the best from their students and put up with no nonsense.

DEAR ABBY: I go to a small restaurant and order dinner for two. No drinks or dessert. The check is around $20 and the tip, $3.

The next time I visited the same restaurant, the dinner check was $30 (they had raised their prices), so why should the tip be more, just because I spent more on food? There was no more work involved. -- BRUCE IN TEWKSBURY, MASS.

DEAR BRUCE: Because the tip is usually figured as a percentage of the cost of the meal -- and the bigger the bill, the larger the tip.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a family of seven children -- three boys and four girls. Our parents value education highly and have encouraged all of us to go to college. Two are still in college, two have dropped out, and three have graduated.

Mom has one wall of our house for pictures of her "college graduates." She thinks it will encourage the other children to finish college and get "on the wall." Instead, it is causing division in the family, since the dropouts are busy working and raising children, and they're not likely to get "on the wall." Also, the sister who graduated from a two-year college doesn't qualify for "wall status."

This leaves me and my sister who are against being "honored" this way. Mom has insisted that we have our pictures taken professionally for the wall. What should we tell Mom? -- AGAINST THE WALL

DEAR AGAINST: Hand Mom this column, and you won't have to tell her anything.

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a very healthy 74-year-old widow. My first and only husband died five years ago at the age of 75. Our sex life had been non-existent for five years prior to his death.

I have a ladyfriend, 77 years old, who recently married for the third time. Her new husband is 87 and apparently is in fine physical condition for his age. According to my ladyfriend, they are having sex at least twice a week. Is this biologically possible for an old married couple who are respectively 87 and 77 years of age?

If my ladyfriend is telling me the truth, perhaps I should intensify my efforts to find such a husband to bring some spice into my lonely life. -- ENVIOUS WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Whether your ladyfriend is telling you the truth, only she knows. For a newlywed couple of any age to have sex "at least twice a week" is quite believable.

But if you're feeling "envious," Widow, perhaps your ladyfriend should ask her new husband if he has a friend who's young at heart.

DEAR ABBY: My eldest son is getting married in June. I am hurt and angry that my name was not included along with the parents of the bride on the wedding announcements.

My husband is dead, but I'm not, and being excluded makes it appear that I don't exist!

I called a wedding consultant and was told that the announcements are printed both ways, naming the bride's parents only, and naming the parents of the groom, too.

What would be your choice, Abby? -- HURT IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HURT: I would choose the announcements that named the parents of both the bride and the groom.

DEAR ABBY: Your correspondent signed "Cherished Memories," who is presently attending a Catholic university and would give anything for a relationship with her philosophy professor who happens to be a priest, wrote: "Priests are only human, after all, and they probably don't relish the celibacy part of their commitment."

Unfortunately, some priests do not relish their celibacy and consider it a denial of their sexuality. Sad to say, many laypersons take this same negative approach.

Rightly understood, however, celibacy is not a denial, but a positive attitude that gives celibacy the aspect of a "treasured gift" offered to God through Jesus Christ. It is the "giving of one's self" in much the same way as the "giving" of a woman and man to each other in marriage. What greater gift can one give than the gift of one's self?

Celibacy is a positive choice, and a priest who approaches his commitment in this light is happy in his calling. -- FATHER X IN WISCONSIN

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)