DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I was married for 12 years when my husband and I called it quits. We just wanted different things out of life.
We were married right out of college, and we started out as a strong team, with clear responsibilities and expectations for each of us, including around our home.
The man I have recently moved in with has never been married, or even in a very long-term relationship. He is used to doing what he wants when he wants, and has had housekeepers taking care of the housework.
Personally, I enjoy housework, but don’t want to do all of it. As of now, the cleaning lady comes in twice a month, and I do most of the lighter cleaning/straightening up between her visits, which my boyfriend says is totally unnecessary, but it’s what I need to feel more comfortable and less surrounded by clutter.
My ex-husband and I used to meal prep and eat at least our dinners together when we got home from work. I really miss that because my new boyfriend fixes whatever he wants and eats it whenever he’s ready, and then he gets on with whatever he planned for himself for the night. I don’t think we have had more than a dozen dinners together since I moved in, and after I eat my dinner I am kind of on my own.
I know this is still early days, but I can’t help wondering if I was too dependent with my ex-husband or if my new boyfriend is too independent to be the kind of partner I was used to.
I don’t want this to be a dealbreaker, but I don’t know if I am cut out for this kind of living arrangement. Do you think I’m just pushing for too much too soon? --- MAY NEED MORE OF A PARTNER
DEAR MAY NEED MORE OF A PARTNER: If you’ve yet to share these concerns with your boyfriend, he may be assuming his routines work just fine for you.
You owe it to yourself, him, and your relationship to at least open the subject of what you were hoping for and expecting in living with him.
Of the two things you mentioned — the housekeeping and the evenings — the one I find potentially more of an issue is how your evenings tend to go.
I’m not saying you have to both cook or even eat the same meals, but sitting down at the end of the day to carve out a piece of time as a couple is one of those truly important aspects of any romantic partnership. It’s one way to get to know each other better and share what’s happening in your respective separate lives.
Without established times to simply communicate, you could find you’re more like roommates with benefits than a fully functioning couple.