DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband was raised by a very strong-willed grandmother. Not that I’m blaming her entirely, but she was the one who made up his mind for him, and that is why I think he has so much trouble making up his own mind about most things now.
I try to convince him that he has good judgment, and he actually does. He just will not give himself credit for it, and keeps asking me if I agree with whatever it is he is having to make his mind up about.
Here is how he works. After we — I — decided on a contractor for our soon to be built new home, I’ve tried to keep him involved in all the different parts of the planning.
Every single time I ask his opinion on something, he says, “I don’t know. What do you think?” And I tell him I want to know his opinion, separate from mine. I honestly want to know what he is thinking and would like him to volunteer an opinion, which is something he nearly never ever does.
Sometimes I think he just wants to please everyone. His grandmother was someone who liked things her way. So is he just a complete and total pleaser, or does he honestly have that much trouble making his mind up about everything? --- CAN’T MAKE UP HIS OWN MIND
DEAR CAN’T MAKE UP HIS OWN MIND: Just because your husband’s a pleaser — which it sounds like he is — doesn’t mean he isn’t also sincerely lacking in confidence when it comes to making decisions.
He may find it easier to let other people call the shots, because he’s conditioned to follow rather than lead.
Having grown up with a strong-willed adult in charge most likely did make a difference, but at some point, it became his job to think and stand on his own.
Perhaps if you begin refusing to make any decisions for him, he’ll be forced into taking them on for himself.
It could take a while, but if he’s able to get the hang of being an active part of deciding things on his own, you might be less on the spot for making all the decisions and he might become more comfortable and confident in being less passive.