DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When I was 18 I found out my father was having an affair with a woman we all knew from his office softball team.

At the time my parents talked about whether or not they would stay together, and they decided to for the usual reason — for the kids. When it all went down my younger sister was 14 and our younger brothers were 12 and 8. I was the only one who knew what was going on, but I am fairly certain my sister had some idea of the truth.

My parents’ decision may not have been a bad one. The woman ended up moving with her husband to a new job and town, and my parents seemed to get it all back together after a lot of hard work and counseling.

My mother told me last week that the woman was back in town, divorced, and looking almost as good as she did 10 years ago. Mom said my father knew about it before she did, and that it hurt her when he decided not to tell her.

I find it worries me too that my father didn’t bother to tell his own wife when his ex-mistress was back in the area. I asked him about it, and he said he wanted to not get my mother upset by being the one to tell her that woman is back, but he realizes now it was probably a mistake. I couldn’t agree more, but now that we’ve talked openly about it, do you see any reason I can’t ask Dad if he still has any interest in this woman? If he says no, I can tell my mother that she has nothing to worry about. If he says yes, then at least this time everyone will know there is a big something to worry about. --- THE OTHER WOMAN’S BACK IN TOWN

DEAR THE OTHER WOMAN’S BACK IN TOWN: It sounds like your parents were able to work through the effects of your father’s extra-marital relationship without your input back when it happened.

While your concern is clearly the result of your caring for your mom, I see little to no value in your taking an active role in how she and your dad tackle the reappearance of “the other woman” now she’s returned to your town.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I recently learned that my fiancé’s previous marriage was very happy, and they only got divorced because their teenage daughter suggested it.

She apparently wanted to experience a broken home, and thought it could help all three of them to grow.

I have talked individually with my fiancé, his ex-wife, and their daughter, and all three say the same thing: the marriage was wonderful, and the daughter suggested divorce as a way to help them grow and learn.

This daughter has always been wonderful to me, and is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding.

Now I’m wondering whether I should step aside and let my fiancé and his ex possibly reunite. His ex told me that she’s happy being single, but I have to wonder.

The other obvious question is, if we get married, what happens if my stepdaughter then decides we should get divorced, like she did with her parents?

Would I be crazy to go ahead and marry him?

I know this sounds crazy, but I actually find it encouraging that his previous marriage was so good, and I kind of admire them for taking such a drastic step just for the experience and growth. --- DO I OR DON’T I?

DEAR DO I OR DON’T I?: There are plenty of healthy, productive ways to find individual growth within a marriage and as a family other than by breaking either or both of them apart.

Perhaps your fiancé’s first marriage wasn’t all you’ve been led to believe it was. If that’s the case, your fiancé and his ex-wife are justified in moving on.

On the other hand, if their marriage was, as claimed, a “wonderful” one, I find their daughter’s deciding they should divorce merely as a growth opportunity selfish, strange, and disturbing. Ditto for their agreeing to act on her request. Furthermore, if they had wanted to reunite, would that’ve been theirs or their daughter’s decision to make?

Personally, this situation is not one I’d be at all comfortable stepping deeper into. However, if you’re good with your fiancés and his daughter’s commitment to growth at any cost, then this is the dynamic for you.

Whatever you decide, you might want to be prepared for your fiancé’s daughter to continue calling the shots.

That you’re already asking yourself if you’re okay with potentially being just another transient phase in both your fiancé’s and his daughter’s quests for enlightenment should tell you something.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When I interviewed for my current job, I was told my education and previous jobs positioned me well to advance quickly. That was a year and a half ago, and people who have started with the company after me have already been promoted. A friend in the office told me that is because they are in a different department, where there is much more turnover than the one we are part of.

Even buying into that thinking I feel as if I am beginning to stagnate. I have learned the job as well as it can be learned, and there are few variables in my daily routine to keep it interesting or even vaguely challenging.

When I talk to my parents about how things are going for me, they tell me to be patient and stick with the job for at least a while longer. They remind me of their work experiences and how by not jumping around, they established solid, successful careers. They believe if I move to another company at this point, it will not look good on my resume, and people will be reluctant to hire me. But I believe if I explain why I am willing to leave what looks like a good job on paper but does not live up to its hype, it will not be held against me as much as they think it will.

I am already looking at possibilities, some of which pay at least what I make here, some less, some more. But if I can move upward once I have learned the job well, I think that is more important than the money I make to start.

Do you believe there is anything to be gained staying where I am when I am not growing or gaining further experience? --- NEED TO MOVE ON

DEAR NEED TO MOVE ON: Your parents aren’t wrong in their advice that reasonable longevity is a good way to build a solid track record in your career.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you feel you were misled when you were hired, and if that truly is the case, and you’re able to find something different that will help advance your career and make more use of your education and skills, then it may not be the worst thing in the world to consider a change.

If you do change jobs, though, bear in mind how it’ll look if you jump from the new one to another in less than two or three years. So you might want to choose very carefully where you land next.