DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I recently learned that my fiancé’s previous marriage was very happy, and they only got divorced because their teenage daughter suggested it.
She apparently wanted to experience a broken home, and thought it could help all three of them to grow.
I have talked individually with my fiancé, his ex-wife, and their daughter, and all three say the same thing: the marriage was wonderful, and the daughter suggested divorce as a way to help them grow and learn.
This daughter has always been wonderful to me, and is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding.
Now I’m wondering whether I should step aside and let my fiancé and his ex possibly reunite. His ex told me that she’s happy being single, but I have to wonder.
The other obvious question is, if we get married, what happens if my stepdaughter then decides we should get divorced, like she did with her parents?
Would I be crazy to go ahead and marry him?
I know this sounds crazy, but I actually find it encouraging that his previous marriage was so good, and I kind of admire them for taking such a drastic step just for the experience and growth. --- DO I OR DON’T I?
DEAR DO I OR DON’T I?: There are plenty of healthy, productive ways to find individual growth within a marriage and as a family other than by breaking either or both of them apart.
Perhaps your fiancé’s first marriage wasn’t all you’ve been led to believe it was. If that’s the case, your fiancé and his ex-wife are justified in moving on.
On the other hand, if their marriage was, as claimed, a “wonderful” one, I find their daughter’s deciding they should divorce merely as a growth opportunity selfish, strange, and disturbing. Ditto for their agreeing to act on her request. Furthermore, if they had wanted to reunite, would that’ve been theirs or their daughter’s decision to make?
Personally, this situation is not one I’d be at all comfortable stepping deeper into. However, if you’re good with your fiancés and his daughter’s commitment to growth at any cost, then this is the dynamic for you.
Whatever you decide, you might want to be prepared for your fiancé’s daughter to continue calling the shots.
That you’re already asking yourself if you’re okay with potentially being just another transient phase in both your fiancé’s and his daughter’s quests for enlightenment should tell you something.