DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: When my first wife and I bought our first home we really worked long and hard to save up for a decent downpayment and spent well under what our bank preapproved us for.

We knew we wanted to start a family within a couple years of moving in and we planned for my wife to only have to work if she wanted to once the kids came and if my business took off enough to support us all.

The business took longer to grow than expected, and we barely made it out of the 2001 recession.

This all meant my wife ended up still working after our son was born, and we stayed in our “starter” house until he was in high school.

Our son sent me and his stepmother the link to the plans for a house he and his girlfriend are looking to build just outside Chicago. It will be a beautiful house, but it’s double the size of the house he grew up in, with four bedrooms, three baths, a den, a media room, and a two-car garage.

My son and his girlfriend have been together for nearly six years and they are talking about getting married. But taking on a big mortgage seems like a huge commitment for an unmarried couple.

Our son is in a good, stable (if any are these days!) job, and his girlfriend is an AP high school teacher. The house is in a good location for both of their jobs, but my wife and I keep talking it over and thinking they are getting in way over their heads and don’t have a clue.

What do we say to them to help persuade them to cool their jets on building a big and expensive house right now and first get their feet wet with a smaller one? --- THEY’RE OVERBUYING

DEAR THEY’RE OVERBUYING: Although, in my experience, lending institutions tend to prequalify potential borrowers at the very top of their earnings range, if your son and his girlfriend are being conservative, they might not be getting into as deep a mortgage debt as you fear.

As concerned parents, you can share your thoughts and worries with the younger couple, but that’s where I’d leave off in the present circumstances.

My guess is if they’ve gotten to the point of selecting plans for their future home, they’ve taken steps to secure financing. They may already be far enough into the home-building process to have some understanding of what they’re doing, at least for now.

If not, they’ll have to learn to make it work, as you and your first wife and countless other young couples have done forever.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mother died almost six years ago. She and my dad had a beautiful marriage, and he suffered terribly when she died. We all did. She was a real life force.

Dad started going with “Mary” three years ago. At first they were just friends, but it has become a real romance. Dad told me that he asked Mary to move in with him. He is still in the three-bedroom rambler we were raised, and I know it has been too empty for him for a long time.

Mary said she would consider living with Dad, but wants not to live in the bigger home, when she says her apartment is big enough for the two of them and much cheaper to live in than a whole house. But Dad wants to keep the house so when my brother’s family and the cousins come to visit there’s room for everyone and a place for the kids to play outside in the big backyard.

It also has become a tradition for us to all get together at my dad’s for Thanksgiving, as we often did when my mom was still alive.

I don’t live too far away, have a house and yard big enough to handle visitors, and have told my dad we can move the family gatherings to my place, so if he wants to move in with Mary at her place and sell the house, it’s all good.

But he says he won’t sell, and Mary won’t move in there, and I honestly don’t get why they are both being so stubborn.

Does this mean neither of them is really committed to their relationship? --- don’t GET IT

DEAR DON’T GET IT: It’s possibly a case of one or both of the couple not truly being ready to make too big a shift just yet. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a sufficient level of commitment on either side.

That your dad made the offer to have Mary move into the house he shared with his long-time love tells me that he’s open to the next steps in his newer relationship. And Mary claims to be ready to have your dad move into her place, which she sees as the more practical choice for the couple moving forward.

Whatever the case, it’s up to Mary and your dad to work it out. You’ve covered the angle of providing a family gathering spot, so I’d just give it some time and see where it all goes from here.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband and I retired late in 2021. We are lucky to be comfortable enough between our pensions and Social Security benefits.

Our son’s in-laws are still both working, being a few years younger than us, and besides that, they make a sh

load of money. He’s some kind of investment analyst and she’s a consultant for NYC hospitals, so it’s no surprise they can afford to shop where they do. We shop at Target and Penney’s, they go to Saks and Bergdorf’s.

Our daughter-in-law is absolutely terrific and totally down-to-earth. She never makes my husband and me feel like we’re any less important than her parents. But we feel like we can’t compete with her parents for baby clothes and other things for our new granddaughter.

I think what we get is perfectly fine, but I also can’t help but think about what else we can do for her in the future. We will never be able to give her a big college fund like the one already started by her other grandparents. They’ll be giving her cruises and we’ll be offering to take her to the Bronx Zoo. You see where we’re going here?

How can we possibly compete with the richer, younger grandparents? --- CAN’T COMPETE

DEAR CAN’T COMPETE: Why do you want to compete?

You shouldn’t feel like you’re in a contest for your granddaughter’s love. If you’re the grandparents who take her to the zoo rather than to the Caribbean, there’s no reason to think you’re shortchanging her. The time you give her is what’s of true value.

And if her mom isn’t into the world of higher-end merchandise, then that may very well be how she’ll raise her daughter.

As long as you’re willing to be in your granddaughter’s life and help her understand that she’s an important and well-loved part of yours, that’s what’ll matter to her. That’s how together you’ll help make the memories you’ll all share and treasure.