NOTE FROM MOM: On December 14, 2021, I responded to “Heartbroken” regarding her daughter’s continuing in what she saw as a toxic relationship.

I recently received a follow-up from that letter-writer, which began with a restatement of the original circumstances leading her to write to me, but which also went on to discuss her altered view of her daughter’s role in how things have turned out.

What follows is that new correspondence.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am an educated professional. Against every moral and ethical value we ever taught any of our children, our daughter got in with the “wrong” kids in high school. She started “partying” and her whole personality changed; her grades dropped, etc. Eventually, she had a baby at 19 with a 17-year-old kid, even after I took her to the doctor for birth control. The Baby Daddy is an 8th grade dropout, drug user who spent time in juvenile jail.

Over the years he has cussed me out and insulted me even after I took him to the community college to get him started on a trades program. He’s now 19 and already has an adult felony charge pending (likely to be dropped to misdemeanor).

Our grandchild is almost two. When our daughter came home pregnant and crying we told her we’d help her get her life together, support her and the child as long as the toxic relationship ended. This included paying for a lawyer she ultimately dismissed. She said it did end. It didn’t — or it was an on-again, off-again relationship with fights that at times ended in violence.

We knew the relationship was on, we should have kicked her out, but we 1) wanted to believe our daughter when she told us it wasn’t, 2) hoped she would ultimately choose differently, and 3) couldn’t bring ourselves to kick our pregnant daughter out of the house.

 After starting and quitting college twice, our daughter chose a different career path, has a good job in the military, and relocated out-of-state. She said he wasn’t going with her but he did, now they’re living together. I hear he does have a job and a vehicle now. If that’s true, I suppose we should give him credit for sticking around and maybe he’s trying to do right, although I fear for my daughter’s and grandchild’s safety. He has anger issues. At one time his sister put a restraining order on him! Eventually he’s going to get angry with them. He’s only 19! We hear there’s talk of marriage.

 How do we move forward? Neither of us can stand this guy. I suppose I could bring myself to “hold my nose” and accept the situation, but my husband can’t. He says our daughter and grandchild are always welcome, but not him. But even with that, our daughter has lied and manipulated so much, we hardly know her anymore. It feels like I’m mourning my daughter.

 Really, looking back our daughter is the one who is guilty of the lies and manipulation, and incredible disrespect. Lots of details left out, but I hope you get the gist. --- STILL HEARTBROKEN

DEAR STILL HEARTBROKEN: Clearly, your daughter has taken advantage of your good faith in the past, and that’s understandably painful. She’s given you little cause to trust her; and until she proves herself more trustworthy, I believe you’re better off keeping your guard up.

A lot of damage has been done here, but for the sake of your relationship with your grandchild and that child’s safety, I believe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you maintain a casual relationship with your daughter. If you cut her off entirely, you lose your chance to be part of her child’s life.

Contact could be limited to check-ins on your grandchild, including, as I’d recommended in my previous response, video chats, so that you can perhaps get a sense of your daughter’s and grandchild’s general wellbeing.

I know it’ll be difficult for you to be around your daughter as long as you’re hurting from her betrayals of trust, but I also believe that in honoring your husband’s stand on an open welcome for your daughter and grandchild, you may be able to not only establish a place in your grandchild’s world, but also offer a safe haven for that child and your daughter should they need one in the future.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and things are going really well. But it wasn’t until last week that he told me that his dad did time for attempted homicide when he was in his early twenties. The way my boyfriend told it, it was a bar fight that got out of hand and the other guy almost died from his injuries. They had been best buddies, and then one of them said or did something stupid and that was the end.

I have met his dad a few times now, and he seems like a regular guy who supports his family, goes to church, and all that. Still, I wonder if there is a violent streak or something that could come out again. My boyfriend said he has a temper, but has never again been violent, at least that he has seen.

I just don’t know how I feel about being around someone who nearly killed another person. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings, so I haven’t said anything yet to him, but I would prefer not to go around to his dad’s house, at least until I kind of process this whole new side of his dad.

Should I say something to my boyfriend, or just keep avoiding his dad until I figure things out? --- NOT SURE ABOUT HIS DAD

DEAR NOT SURE ABOUT HIS DAD: I understand your needing time to put this newly-learned information in perspective, but if you and your boyfriend are going to make a go of it, I believe you have to be upfront with him and say what you told me — that you need to sort through a few things before you’ll be comfortable around his dad. Bear in mind, this is the same man you’ve apparently already been around and didn’t seem to have a problem with before.

Also, you should probably get used to the idea that from time to time the people you meet in life will have something in their past that they wish hadn’t happened, and that they’ve had to learn to live with and move on from. Cutting them some slack is not a bad way to go.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am good friends with my daughter’s best friend’s mother. We raised our girls together right up until they headed off to college. We sometimes joked about how we were each other’s daughters’ second moms. But it has long been true. I know my daughter has told things to her friend’s mother that she never told me, and recently my “second” daughter told me some huge news that she doesn’t want her mother to know. She hasn’t even told my daughter about it, which I don’t entirely understand. She made me promise not to tell either my daughter or her mother, because she wants to share her news with them herself when she feels the time is right.

I feel horrible about not being able to say something to my old friend and my daughter, both of whom I am very close with. I haven’t told anyone, including my husband, who I trust completely, but I was asked to swear to secrecy, and I have kept my word. But for how long should I keep it? This is a situation a mother should know about, and in this case I mean my friend, not just me.

I’ve tried to counsel my daughter’s friend as much as I’m able, but this truly is one for her mom to be in on too.

Do I break my promise, or just continue to sit on this uncomfortable situation? --- WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW

DEAR WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW: A promise is a promise, and I firmly believe you’re bound to honor it. If there’s anything about the situation that you fear could be putting your young friend at risk, then I suggest you serve as as much of a parental stand-in for her as you’re able, in case she needs help.

I also don’t think you would be at all out of line to urge her to share her “big news” with her mother sooner rather than later. But if that just isn’t going to happen, at least not yet, then by all means be the friend and confidant you’re being asked to be.