life

Visits to Critically Ill Boss Prove Too Much

Ask Someone Else's Mom by by Susan Writer
by Susan Writer
Ask Someone Else's Mom | April 30th, 2021

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: One of my bosses has been battling cancer for several years. Sadly, he is now in his final weeks, and it has been hard on everyone in the shop. He is a really good guy, and has tried to stay involved in the running of the business he and his partner started nearly 60 years ago. We all think it helps him to keep as busy as his health allows.

There are three of us who take turns bringing him work that can’t be done on-line or by phone put together by his partner. The other two seem to not have as much trouble seeing him in his failing condition as I do. My grandfather passed less than a year ago from cancer, and it all brings back painful memories.

I have always liked my boss, and he has always been really good to me, bringing me on when I had almost no experience. But I don’t know how much longer I can continue with these visits. I just find it so hard. I know my coworkers would pick up my days, but I am still trying to stick it out.

If I did back out of the visits, do you think it would be wrong and make me a coward? --- FEELING LIKE A COWARD

DEAR FEELING LIKE A COWARD: Having recently lost someone close to you to cancer gives you painfully fresh insight into just how heartbreakingly difficult it is for both your boss and his loved ones. I can certainly understand why your reaction may be to remove yourself from the situation. However, before making that decision, you might want to have a conversation with your other boss about how you’re feeling. I’m guessing his long-time partner knows your ailing boss well. Listen to what guidance you get from that corner, and don’t judge yourself harshly if continuing the visits is too much for you. Seeing, or even sensing, your discomfort could potentially make it harder on your boss, and wouldn’t be helpful to anyone involved.

DeathWork & School
life

New Mom Hurt by Baby's Preference for Daddy

Ask Someone Else's Mom by by Susan Writer
by Susan Writer
Ask Someone Else's Mom | April 29th, 2021

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My own mother says I’m being nuts, but it hurts me that although I’m the one home with our 11-month-old daughter, I become invisible when her daddy comes back from work. He swoops in and gets the hugs and cheek-sucking little kisses that I almost never get.

Obviously, our daughter doesn’t know this hurts, but it does. I also find myself sometimes resenting my husband unfairly. He doesn’t know how I feel either, and I think I would sound petty telling him, so I don’t. He's a great daddy, and deserves our baby’s love as much as I do. But still.

Do you agree with my mom that I’m being nuts? --- GOT A DADDY’S GIRL

DEAR GOT A DADDY’S GIRL: No, you’re not nuts. It can be a little rough on the primary caregiver when someone else seems to be the apple of a baby’s eye. But your turn will most likely come.

As circumstances permit, when you begin to take your little girl out into the world more, you’ll find it’s you she holds onto and counts on for shelter and security in new situations and around unfamiliar people and places. Right now, her daddy’s a different face and smile at the end of a day with you; but you’re her rock, and that counts for more than you may currently imagine.

For now, you might consider letting your husband know how you feel, to hopefully avoid giving way to a brewing resentment, and the possibility of your daughter picking up on your own tension.

Family & Parenting
life

They Ask for Advice, but Never Take It

Ask Someone Else's Mom by by Susan Writer
by Susan Writer
Ask Someone Else's Mom | April 27th, 2021

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My daughter and her husband just bought a fixer-upper about an hour from where my wife and I live. My son-in-law is pretty handy, but not nearly as experienced with home repairs as his father and I am. We have both basically rebuilt the homes we currently live in, so we know a thing or two about how best to get things done.

Nearly every week, the kids ask either me or the other dad about the best way to go about a repair or renovation. Most of what they’re tackling isn’t all that hard to do, but it seems like whatever we tell them — and the other dad and I usually agree on how to do a thing — the kids go ahead and do whatever they want anyway.

It makes me think my daughter and son-in-law are just trying to make the “old guys” feel good, but it doesn’t feel good to be ignored.

So do we just stop giving advice, or keep going on with what seems like it’s becoming a game? --- DOESN’T MATTER IF DAD KNOWS BEST

DEAR DOESN’T MATTER IF DAD KNOWS BEST: Maybe your daughter and son-in-law are just products of the times. You and your son-in-law’s dad have become two more resources which they can consult, then continue to collect lots of other opinions and data on-line and elsewhere, and go from there.

I don’t think either of you should take it personally. At least your daughter and son-in-law are consulting you, and that helps keep you all connected.

Family & Parenting

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