DEAR NATALIE: I am a straight woman in my mid-30s with no desire for a romantic partner. This has been a challenge for my very traditional family who doesn’t understand why I would ever want to be single. What they don’t realize is that I have tried – for years – to find a good partner for myself. The men I have dated haven’t either been ready for commitment, incredibly narcissistic or emotionally stunted. I do not want to marry a man-child. I do not want to be someone’s chef and maid. I have a good job and make decent money. I don’t want to carry someone financially. How do I explain to my parents that I enjoy my life as it is? I have great friends. I am an aunt and love my nieces and nephews. I have lots of hobbies and enjoy traveling solo. Of course it would be nice to share it with someone, but the cons outweigh the pros when it comes to dating, anymore. Dating has changed, too. It’s more challenging when you are a little older – especially as a woman who doesn’t want children. I just want to go to one family dinner where I don’t have to defend my personal choices. How can I get my parents (and admittedly, some of my friends) to back off?
– OK WITH BEING SINGLE
DEAR OK WITH BEING SINGLE: You are allowed to set boundaries with family and friends. If they can’t seem to curb their opinions, try turning it back on them: “I appreciate that you feel concern for my love life, but I am healthy and happy. Why isn’t that enough for you?” They may be caught off guard by your pointed question, but they don’t seem to have any issue when it comes to prying into your love life. If they say, “I care about you and worry,” then ask them what exactly they are worried about? How would you having a relationship change things for them? If they care about you, then they need to respect you and your choices. If love finds you, then that’s great. You are allowed to stay open to possibilities in your personal life while also setting limits on how people can discuss that life. We have this thing in American culture where we feel as though women’s bodies, lives and choices are up for public debate and consumption. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and you are allowed to say simply that. “This is my life and I would appreciate it if you would respect my choices, just like I respect yours.” Nuff said.
DEAR NATALIE: I am a single, childless lesbian in my early 50s living in a mid-sized city. Plenty of queer people live here, but there isn’t a thriving queer community in the way I’ve experienced in other places. I’ve had a number of long term relationships and am friends with most of my exes, but I feel discouraged that as an aging person, I will not find a partner. Many of my friends (queer and straight) are partnered or married. I have some health problems and can’t help but worry that even in 10 to 15 years my quality of life will decrease significantly, and I won’t have anyone to help take care of me. I have a number of close friends, but admittedly am used to putting up a tough persona so that no one knows I’m struggling. I have a pretty social job, but I still feel lonely on a deep level and worried for my future. Is it worth even trying to find someone? I want to be loved and love another. Is there any hope for someone like me? – LONELY HEART
DEAR LONELY HEART: I have always operated from the space that there is always hope to be found. Even when it is the tiniest little seed buried deep, it is still there and with the right nurturing conditions, it can blossom. So can you. There are no limits to when someone can fall in love. We don’t need to gate keep ourselves out of having a meaningful life. If you want to share your life with someone, then I suggest you take whatever necessary steps you need to in order to get out there and meet someone. What does that look like for you? Do you have friends that could potentially set you up? Are you comfortable checking out any dating apps online? Are there queer social groups in your community that you can join? Since you seem to have some social connections already, lean into them. Tell people what you want. Tell them that you want their help and support in finding someone. I guarantee people will be excited for the opportunity to be a part of a potential love match. And in the meantime, do what brings you joy. Date yourself. Go to the theater, go to the park. Take yourself on a picnic. Find ways to nurture your whole heart so when someone comes along – and I have faith that they will! – you will be ready to share your life with someone who sees you in your full humanity.
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