DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend (well, fiancé) just proposed and my mom is less-than-impressed with the engagement ring he chose. She is also mad that he didn’t come to her first and ask her for her help with the ring. She’s been in the jewelry business for decades and assumed he would want her help. She thinks the diamond is too small and of low quality. I think it’s pretty and I am just so excited that he finally proposed after four years together! She is determined to make him either take it back or upgrade it. She called him last night and shared that he could trade it in for one of three rings she had in mind and then she would make up the difference in what the cost will be. It will be thousands of dollars more to upgrade this ring to her standards. She said a woman should “feel excited to show off her ring” and that there’s nothing for me to be excited about. She’s tough, I know. I’m used to her, but my poor fiancé isn’t. He’s really embarrassed and sad. He had the ring designed within his budget and thought I would like it. He said he’ll go along with my mom if that’s what I want. I am totally torn. I love him and the ring is fine. I also don’t want to make mom angry as she will be paying for the wedding. What should I do? – DIAMOND IN DISTRESS
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DEAR DIAMOND IN DISTRESS: If you don’t put your foot down with your mother at this point and set some boundaries, she isn’t going to magically back out of your relationship once you are married. If she feels this comfortable calling your fiancé and berating him, what happens when you go to buy a house or rent an apartment she doesn’t approve of? Or what if she wants a key to your home? Or have a child without consulting her on the name? This is a slippery slope and it is clear that she has an unusual amount of control already over your life. Keep the ring if you love it. Elope. Seriously, having her hand in every part of your wedding is going to cause incredible stress for no good reason. Moving forward, you and your fiancé have to be a united front or she will be steamrolling you both for the rest of your lives. And she owes him an apology, too.
DEAR NATALIE: I've been dating my partner for over a year, and I love them dearly. Recently, they’ve become friends with a coworker that’s new to their company. Shortly after they started hanging out more, they decided to join a far-right political group. This has left me feeling conflicted and concerned about our future together. The values of this group seem to be in direct opposition to my beliefs. How can I navigate this new dynamic in our relationship? I’m not sure if these beliefs were bubbling under the surface – and they just needed someone to give them the opportunity to get politically engaged – or if they’ve been totally brainwashed by this new person in their life. What should I do in the way of potentially influencing them to reconsider their recent political engagement? Can I do this without jeopardizing our love for each other? – POLITICAL MESS
DEAR POLITICAL MESS: It’s not always enough to simply love each other. If you want a relationship to go the distance, you have to have the same vision of the future. You don’t have to agree on everything, but how can you be on the same team and build a strong foundation based on mutual trust and respect if everything they stand for is in clear opposition to you? There’s a great quote from James Baldwin: “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” If your partner’s beliefs deny others their human rights, then what are you doing? If they won’t meet you where you are – how can you move forward? At that point you may have to send them a message and show them the door. Love ain’t always enough.
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