DEAR NATALIE: How do I know when to fire someone? I consistently have problems with one of my employees who needs way more supervision than anyone else at my company. She’s older than I am, and I think feels a bit uncomfortable with me being her boss. I’m extremely lenient with her in many ways because she seems to always feel like she has too much on her plate. But, she gets upset when I offer a solution that would take some tasks off of her plate. It’s like she’s afraid I’m going to push her out. It feels like every other month we have a conversation where she cries, apologizes, gets overwhelmed – it’s just too much for me to deal with. She is constantly emailing me asking for permission to do things although I have tried to tell her I trust her to do her job by herself. If I had to do this with all of my employees, I would never be able to get any of my work done. Either I need an assistant, or she needs another person to do half of her job. Are these solutions? In the meantime, how can I handle all of the feelings and emotional energy it takes out of me? – END OF MY ROPE
DEAR END OF MY ROPE: Before you fire her, I would first see if there is a colleague you can discuss this with. Are they having the same issues with her? How are they handling her? If not, can you chat with someone in your HR department to make sure you have exhausted all options? After you are advised by your colleagues, it might also be worth having a conversation with her directly and explaining to her that it seems as though this role may not be the best fit for her. Is she honestly happy? Having regular meltdowns is not conducive to a productive or healthy work environment for anyone. If she needs help finding a role within the company better suited for her, perhaps you can offer support in that venture. Or perhaps it’s time she moves on. In any case, you shouldn’t have to work like this. In the meantime, find ways to limit your interactions with her. Can you mute her on your texts? Can you set up specific times of the week where she can connect with you with any issues so that she isn’t just bombarding you? Finding ways to create strong boundaries with her until you can figure out the next steps internally may help you retain your sanity until she retains new employment.
DEAR NATALIE: My brother recently started working as an ER nurse. I’m really proud of him but I can’t hear about it. He doesn’t seem to know where the lines of “appropriate dinner table conversation” are at all. I’m moderately squeamish, which he has known his whole life. I don’t think he’s trying to upset me by sharing details of his day with me, but he keeps “slipping up” and telling me gruesome gory stories or things about people’s lives that are traumatizing. How can I connect with him on a regular basis when his day-to-day life is so intense? When I’ve mentioned it to him, he just makes fun of me and then I feel like an idiot. But who wants to hear about gross stuff when we are having dinner? We live together and that’s not changing anytime soon. I want to set boundaries but he’s been gruff with me. What should I do? It’s like he wants to antagonize me or something. – SIBLING STUFF
DEAR SIBLING STUFF: This must be the week of letters about setting boundaries! Just like above, you are allowed to create a healthy distance between you and your brother. He may just be excitable because this is a new job. He also may not realize that he is acting out after experiencing the second hand trauma of caring for people in extreme circumstances. The next time he brings up something that makes you feel squeamish, cut him off. Say something like, “I don’t think it’s funny or appropriate to talk about the patients you are dealing with with such disrespect for their conditions. I don’t want to hear anymore about the details. If there is someone that left a profound impact on you, I’m happy to discuss how and why, but leave the gore out of it. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t think it’s kind.” He may be taken aback, but the truth is, he shouldn’t be talking about anyone’s specific condition with you. If he can’t help himself, pick up and leave the room. Also, be the first to strike up a conversation about other things that connect and interest you so that you can take control of the conversation and hopefully the vibes, too.
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