DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been in a consensual non-monogamous relationship for several years. My husband and I have actually never acted on it, but we knew that having another romantic partner wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for us. Well, I thought so until now. He has been very publicly dating another woman. He’s brought her home to meet our kids – who are 8 and 6-years-old. He has also asked me if I would be intimate with him and this other woman. These were never the rules. The rules were supposed to be discreet, one-night-only encounters. The other person was never to meet our children and we agreed that if we wanted to have a threesome, there would be ground rules. I feel as though he’s thrown all of this out of the window and it has made me severely depressed. I am not sure how to deal with this. I don’t even know if CNM is even for me, anymore. I’m almost 50 and when we agreed to do this, we were both barely 30. Am I being a prude? Our life was so good. Why is he choosing to do this now? I need help as I want to save my marriage. – CNM MESS
DEAR CNM MESS: The way you felt about romance and intimacy twenty years ago may not be the same as you feel now. That’s understandable. You’ve lived, experienced things, brought children into the world and settled into a married life that you felt was stable and strong. But now that he is opening the door to new possibilities, you may be at a crossroads as a couple. Do you think he's willing to give up a consensual non-monogamous relationship in order to save your marriage? Because it clearly sounds as though you are not interested in participating in this at this point. It also isn’t fair that he didn’t follow the rules that were set when you began down this road. Introducing this woman to your small – but observant – children wasn’t part of the deal. In fact, it sounds as though he wants to be in a throuple – not a discreet one-time encounter. If he’s breaking the rules and also flaunting this relationship, I don’t blame you for feeling upset and disrespected. Does he understand how you are feeling? Have you been clear with him that this isn’t what you agreed upon and also that you are suffering mental distress from this? If you haven’t talked to him yet, you absolutely have to. If he doesn’t want to explore monogamy with you, then you may have to decide what it is you want from your relationship with him. He has to want to save this marriage, too. I hope he will be open to understanding why you have shifted your position and be willing to give monogamy a chance. I would also inquire as to why he is feeling at this moment the need to be outwardly non-monogamous. Perhaps he is going through something, as well, and wanting to shake up his life? The only way forward is through, so I hope you can work this out together and find a way back to each other.
DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I live together and he recently got laid off from his tech job. He always brought in substantially more money than me and while he got a three-month severance package, I’m getting concerned that he isn’t pushing himself to find another job. I work full-time as a teacher, but my salary isn’t nearly enough for the two of us to live on – especially in his apartment which basically costs almost all of my monthly salary. I have noticed he’s really depressed and just lays around. He says “nothing matters” and while he didn’t love his job, he misses the big paycheck as well as feeling useful. Is there anything I can do to help him out of this funk? He even mentioned not wanting to be in his industry at all, anymore. I asked him what he would do instead and he just mentioned starting a food truck or something like that. (He’s always been entrepreneurial and one of his best friends is a chef). While I don’t think this is a bad idea, I don’t know if he realizes the amount of work that it takes to get something off the ground from scratch. We have very different backgrounds and I came from a working class family while his family has generational wealth. I don’t want to burst his bubble but I’m not sure how to support him. I’m also frustrated and annoyed that I have to carry the financial weight right now. Any ideas on what to do?
– SNAP OUT OF IT
DEAR SNAP OUT OF IT: This is frustrating on so many levels because I’m sure without realizing it or not, there is a level of resentment that will and can inevitably build when you are doing all of this labor – day in and day out – for way less than what your boyfriend makes. And then he loses his big gig and now you’re in a position to have to take care of him for the time being while he has the luxury to “figure it out.” Sometimes what people need is a reality check. I would sit down with him, pull out your budget and monthly income and share with him the reality of the situation. The math ain’t mathin’ if he isn’t working. Whatever your teaching salary is, I’m sure it is nowhere near what is needed to cover his portion of rent, utilities, groceries, insurance, car payments, etc. while also covering your current expenses. You can absolutely support him in his goal of having a food truck if that’s what he wants to do, but if so – what is the plan to get there? How much has he saved? Will his parents invest? Is his friend who is a chef even interested in this venture? What kind of food? Has he researched all of the health and safety codes or formed an LLC? Yes, I’m asking a million questions because dreaming about an idea and actually creating a path for an idea to come into fruition are two separate things. If he doesn’t like the sound of the work this entails, has he started putting his resume back out there for a new tech job? Has he talked to any of his friends that were also laid off? Do they have any leads to share? I firmly believe that the monster in the dark is always scarier than the one in the light. When you know what you are dealing with and know what needs to be done, it will take away a lot of anxiety. Once he isn’t paralyzed by fear, he can move forward. I hope for your sake – and the sake of your relationship – that he does sooner than later.
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