DEAR NATALIE: One of my daughter’s friends recently reached out to me to express concern about her own drinking. She is only 17 and I know this is a cry for help because her parents don’t know that she drinks. My ex-husband got sober after our divorce – and while I don’t drink – I have always made sure that my kids’ friends know that they can talk to me about anything. Her parents are strict, and I think they would freak out if they knew that she was drinking as much as she says she is. I want to share the resources of 12-Step groups that were helpful for my ex-husband, but I don’t want her parents to think I am overstepping and then do something to prevent me from being in contact with her. She asked me not to talk to my daughter about this directly or mention that she reached out to me. How can I get involved, and share something about this with my daughter, without triangulating her – or potentially getting her friend into trouble? – GIVE HER HELP
DEAR GIVE HER HELP: If she came to you in confidence, and her life isn’t in immediate danger, her parents or your daughter don’t need to know anything at this moment. I would encourage her to check out some of the literature you shared or programs that she can look into geared towards adolescents. Her parents may be a source of stress which could be causing her to cope in unhealthy ways by using alcohol. I know I’ll get a lot of flack for this, but she is 17-years-old and I think old enough to do some of this on her own. If she is mature enough to recognize that she has a problem and wants support, then you should to respect her boundaries and not divulge information to her family at this time. However, you can gently and consistently encourage her to speak to her family. Hiding this from them over time may cause more stress on her. See if she is willing to stay in touch with you via text messages until she figures out her next steps. This is a very delicate situation, but at she has you to help her along this path.
DEAR NATALIE: I’m a therapist in my late 30s and mostly see clients younger than me. I get the sense that they are all using Instagram as a diagnostic tool for their issues. I think this can be really helpful, but I also feel that they are saddling themselves up with jargon and ideas about their mental health that are based on a loose understanding of complex concepts that they gained through Instagram infographics. It’s a bizarre thing when many of my clients are using the same verbiage – in a way that doesn’t mirror any of the experiences I had in internships or in other clinical settings before this year. I wish I could tell them to let me do my job, rather than have their screens be their doctors! What can I do to adapt to these changing times? – INSTA-NO
DEAR INSTA-NO: This is such a classic example of how our rapidly deteriorating “healthcare” system has made people so skeptical that they have turned to social media to validate fears, amplify their concerns and unfortunately in some cases, echo back what they want to hear. Mental health has become a toxic mix of “positive vibes” and the classic “it’s you that has to fix you” while ignoring all of the systemic issues that exacerbate any underlying mental health conditions. Not only do you have to be a therapist these days, but you also have to have a degree in media literacy so that you can help your clients navigate the manipulative world of social media. When a client comes to see you and shares that they saw something on social media, it is important to meet them where they are. It's likely that the post they are reading has some truth in the way it relates to their situation. Make sure they feel heard, and then you can gently explain that while social media can be a great tool for learning about different conditions and experiences, it is important that they do the work with their therapist to understand the full complexity of whatever it is that brings them in. Diminishing someone for using social media as a mental health resource is harmful because in this culture – where healthcare is completely inaccessible or too expensive for so many – this may be the only way they can find any entry point into the space. Having a frank conversation about the pitfalls of social media as a diagnostic tool is also important, but make sure to center it around how you want them to have the full picture and all of the information so they can make the best decision for themselves when it comes to their treatment plan.
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