DEAR NATALIE: A few years ago, I moved into a house that my dad owns. He lets me stay there rent free while I finish college. In the meantime, I met a girl and we have two kids together. Now it’s me, her, our kids – who are one and three years old – and now her younger brother and mother have moved in. I am thinking about moving out and getting a studio for myself because it is too crowded in my house. My dad also wants everyone to start paying rent. It’s turned into a big issue with my girlfriend who doesn’t think it’s fair that I would move out and leave her with the kids. I don’t want to break up with her. I love her, it’s just I feel like I’m suffocating. Any way to figure this out? – TOO CROWDED

DEAR TOO CROWDED: Not sure why your girlfriend’s brother and mom thought they could just move in, but you moving out is not the answer. The answer is they need to go and find their own place. If you move out and leave it all on your girlfriend’s shoulders, I doubt you’ll have a girlfriend for very much longer. Plus, your children need you and it’s time to step into your responsibilities. Talk to your girlfriend about her brother and mom moving in. Is this temporary? What is their long-term plan? Do they need assistance to find another place to live? How can you be of help to make that a reality? Do what you can but set a timeline. I appreciate that sometimes we all need a hand up, but it’s not fair to you or your growing family not to have the space you need.

DEAR NATALIE: My mom is a wonderful person who has terrible taste in men. Her most recent boyfriend is an alcoholic. My mom drinks too much and I think being with him has made it all the more acceptable. Well, a few months ago she had a few too many and crashed her vehicle into a stop sign. Thank goodness no one else was hurt, but she was banged up pretty bad. She also was arrested for drunk driving and her boyfriend was in the car with her at the time. They got into a big argument and now they are taking a “break.” My mom was doing so much better without his influence. I think the arrest made her wake up and question her decisions. Recently, he has been reaching out to her again and I think he wants her back. She is toying with this idea. I’m begging her not to bring him back into the fold, citing the most recent issue with the police. She got angry with me and told me that “things are different now for her and she won’t go backwards.” I don’t believe her. What can I do to make her see that he is a huge part of the problem? – LOVE MY MOM, HATE THE DRINKING 

DEAR LOVE MY MOM, HATE THE DRINKING: Unfortunately, you can’t control what your mother decides to do, but you can set boundaries for how you interact with her should she start dating this guy again. If she wants to see him, then you can say to her, “Mom, I love you. I want you safe and healthy. I recognize you don’t need my permission to date but if you start seeing him, I will have to set the following boundaries with you…” and then list what it is you will or won’t do anymore. Maybe that means limiting the time you spend with her. Maybe that means you go to her to visit so that she doesn’t get behind the wheel. Perhaps it means when you hang out you won’t be drinking. Set your expectations and your limits. It’s hard to watch someone hurt themselves, especially when you love them so much. But all you can do is control your actions. Set the tone and seek support if you need it.

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DEAR NATALIE: My sister is going through a horrible divorce and is having major money issues because of it. My husband and I have a big house with an in-law suite. We told her she is welcome to live with us while she works through everything financially. I expected she would be here for a year. Well, it’s been about two months and I have this suspicion that she is trying to sleep with my husband. Actually, not so much a suspicion as he told me she basically threw herself at him the other night when I went to bed and they were hanging out. I know he would never cheat on me, but I am infuriated with her. I want to kick her out. My husband said she’s a mess and was drunk when she hit on him. He feels bad for her. Well, I don’t. Drunk or not, she knew what she was doing. What do you think I should do? – BOOZE NO EXCUSE

DEAR BOOZE NO EXCUSE: Sis has got to go. I would not want anyone in my house that was disrespecting me or my marriage. You have to confront her about this and make it very clear that this behavior is not only unacceptable, but incredibly hurtful. How could she try and break up your marriage when hers is falling apart? What did she think would happen in this situation? Even if she apologizes, she can’t be trusted. You opened your home to her and this is how she repaid you? She can live with someone else – at least for a while. Take a break from this nonsense. You don’t have to put everything on the line for someone who cares so little for all that you’ve built. Once someone shows you who they are, it’s almost impossible to unsee it. Family or not, she has no right to treat you this way and needs to go.

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I are both turning forty this year and she hasn’t been feeling very well for a long time. We thought she had Long COVID symptoms and she’s been visiting a lot of doctors trying to get to the heart of the matter. Well, one doctor she saw has diagnosed her with a terminal illness and claims she doesn’t have much time. She is beyond devastated and so is her husband. She married just a few years ago and has a beautiful baby girl. She asked me the other day if she dies sooner than later if I would make sure her daughter “doesn’t forget her.” I lost it. I was so upset and we both just sat and cried for hours. I don’t know how to help her. She keeps saying she doesn’t want people pitying her. She doesn’t want to “feel” sick. I have no idea how to support her. I love her husband, too. He’s so wonderful and I’m heartbroken for him, as well. Any ideas on how to be there without making her feel worse than she does? – BROKEN HEARTED 

DEAR BROKEN HEARTED: My heart goes out to you and your friend’s family at this incredibly challenging time. My mom was a nurse for many years and she never liked it when doctors would quantify a patient’s life because she said she “saw miracles every day.” So while we don’t want to live in denial, remember that people defy the odds all the time and there is power in positive thinking. When you are around her, be that for her. Be that joy, that love, that enthusiasm for living. It doesn’t mean you have to force activities on her. It just means make the moments count together. If she can walk, go for a little walk around the block. Take her to a park or green space with the baby so she can play in the grass while you sit and watch her together. Cook her favorite meal or order in while you watch your favorite show or movie together. Ask her if she wants to record anything special for her daughter to watch in the very far future. Talk to her about her fears and her life. Let her just be with you in silence. And don’t be afraid to cry. To laugh. To just be present together. The reality is none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. When you are faced with your own mortality, everything becomes heightened. Embrace that space. Acknowledge the fear but move through it to the other side, where there is nothing but the moment. And be there with her. 

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DEAR NATALIE: I recently learned that my fiancé’s previous marriage was very happy, and they only got divorced because their teenage daughter suggested it. She apparently wanted to experience a broken home, and thought it could help all three of them to grow. I have talked individually with my fiancé, his ex-wife, and their daughter, and all three say the same thing: the marriage was wonderful, and the daughter suggested divorce as a way to help them grow and learn. This daughter has always been wonderful to me, and is supposed to be a bridesmaid in our wedding. Now I’m wondering whether I should step aside and let my fiancé and his ex possibly reunite. His ex told me that she’s happy being single, but I have to wonder. The other obvious question is, if we get married, what happens if my stepdaughter then decides we should get divorced, like she did with her parents. Would I be crazy to go ahead and marry him? I know this sounds crazy, but I actually find it encouraging that his previous marriage was so good, and I kind of admire them for taking such a drastic step just for the experience and growth. –IS GROWTH ALWAYS GOOD

DEAR IS GROWTH ALWAYS GOOD: I had to read your email a few times because I was incredibly confused. Why on earth would two adults allow their teenage daughter to dictate whether or not they stay together? I find this scenario utterly bizarre and confusing. Happy couples do not divorce. They don’t decide to go through all of that stress, pain and financial upheaval just to see if it could be a good “growing” experience. Children should not be trying to experience hardship vicariously through their parents – and this shouldn’t be indulged by the parents, either. This feels like a big mess. And like you were saying, if your fiancé is so easily manipulated by his daughter, who’s to say she won’t recommend he dump you a few years from now just to “see how it helps them grow?”  If you also are wondering about his ex and how happy she is being single, I would sit with that feeling. It sounds as though they could still have feelings for one another. Either you clear the air with all of them and get to the bottom of this weirdness or you walk away. I wouldn’t want to feel as though people were meddling in my marriage or still pining for my husband. Get this mess sorted before you say “I do” because this situation has  “Just don’t” written all over it.

DEAR NATALIE: My dad and I haven’t spoken in nearly 20 years. He is an alcoholic who has made some terrible decisions in his life. We have had an awful relationship for so long because he was incredibly abusive to my mother and I would often step in between to protect her. You can imagine how that turned out for a kid. Since leaving home at 18, I haven’t looked back. I’m 37 now and happily married with two kids of my own who I adore. They have never met their grandfather.  He called me recently wanting to “reconnect.” I was skeptical. My wife told me I should just give it a chance. Well, I should have let it go to voicemail. He is dying. He needs a liver transplant and asked me if I would be open to exploring that option with him. Meaning, if I qualified to give him part of my liver, would I? I was totally taken aback. Here’s a man who abused me and mom, who abandoned us, who never even sent a Christmas card… and now he wants my liver? My wife, who grew up in a loving household and doesn’t have the faintest idea of how this feels, said that she “feels sorry for him. Maybe I should consider it.” She even invited him over for dinner this week. She thinks at the very least I should try to make amends. Make amends for what? I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t even know if he is sober. I don’t even know if I want my kids around him. I am angry. I am anxious. My mom died five years ago and I can’t even imagine what she would say if I offered to do this for him. I do feel a slight twinge of guilt, too. He was sad and pathetic on the phone. Sounded full of regret and remorse. Should I hear him out? I’m incredibly conflicted. Any thoughts on this?

–SAD ABOUT DAD 

DEAR SAD ABOUT DAD: Wanting to find some sense of closure through a family dinner  is not a bad thing, but I don’t know if I would be jumping at the chance to give this abuser a part of my liver so easily. He should sound remorseful and sad. Facing death has made him take stock of his life and he most likely doesn’t like what he sees. You don’t owe him anything – least of all your body. If you want to give him the opportunity to apologize, then do that. But to go under the knife for him when you have your own wife and children to worry about doesn’t sit right with me. He made his bed. Relationships and trust take time to build. His decision to reach out only when he needed something says all that you need to know. I would keep my guard up. He is pitiful, yes, but he’s not yours to fix.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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