DEAR NATALIE: I recently gave birth to a stillborn baby. It was our first child and this has been a truly horrific experience. My family has been very understanding of all of this, but my sister-in-law does not seem to get the weight of it all. She has said to me on more than one occasion that I can “have another” or “try again in a few months.” I was literally sitting there, breaking down into tears while putting away all the gifts from the shower, and she’s acting like this is no big deal. She’s not exactly a warm and fuzzy person, but how do I tell her how she’s hurting me and making this all worse? My husband says that her sister has always been like this and to “just ignore her” but I can’t. It’s really traumatizing. Any ideas on how to make her understand? –HEARTBROKEN 

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I am so sorry for your terrible loss and for the insensitive, hurtful behavior of your sister-in-law. This is a time where you need family the most and for her to diminish and disregard how you’re feeling over one of the most traumatic experiences that could happen to a person is absolutely terrible. You need space from anyone who is bringing negativity into your heart right now. If she can’t meet you where you are and sit with you in the silence of your pain, then she doesn’t need to be near your right now. You are allowed to share space with only those who understand you, love you and are able to offer you compassion. This doesn’t mean you are cutting her out of your life, but you are taking time to heal. If she asks you why you haven’t reached out or connected with her, you are allowed to tell her what you just told me. If she was that unaware of her actions and words, perhaps this will be a wake-up call. If she becomes defensive or angry for any reason, recognize that this is a sign for you to take a big step back. Now, I don’t know her relationship to her family, but I wonder if this behavior was something that she learned from watching her parents. Regardless, she is an adult and needs to learn to read the room. Put her on ice until you are feeling less vulnerable. Give yourself all the space and grace you need right now. This nonsense from her is unnecessary and unwelcome.

DEAR NATALIE: A few months ago I moved into a new house and while most of my neighbors are lovely, a neighbor down the street has two dogs that she leaves outside most of the time. Some days they bark constantly – all day and all night. They’ve gotten off their leashes a couple of times, too. They’re usually friendly, but it feels unsafe. I don’t know how they are with children or other dogs, and I worry that they’ll get lost or hit by a car. The only time I’ve seen my neighbor is when she’s been drinking or trying to find the dogs. I want to talk to her about getting the barking to stop, but I don’t know how to do this. I know building a relationship with her is the right thing to do, but that takes time and I don’t even know how to open up the conversation about the dogs. It’s driving me and everyone else on the block crazy, though! I don’t want to call the cops if I can avoid it. How should I handle this without getting on her bad side or creating more of a problem? –DOGGONE IT

DEAR DOGGONE IT: Safety in numbers. I would connect with a few of your neighbors first and then see if everyone is on the same page. If so, then invite her over to your yard for an iced tea when everyone is there. They don’t need to be in the conversation with you, but it’s a good idea to have a few others around in case you need support or to clarify the situation. Get to know her a bit first and learn about her relationship with her dogs. Is there a reason she always leaves them outside? Is she aware that they are barking at all hours of the day? Does she know that the community is concerned for the safety of the animals and for the kids? She may be blissfully unaware of the stress she is causing everyone. I would bring it up gently and see how she reacts. It may just take one honest and open conversation to see change. But if the dogs continue to bark at all hours of the night and continue to get loose in the community, you may want to reach out to a local rescue shelter for their opinion on things that can be done. I agree with you that there are other ways to deal with this than involving law enforcement and I hope she is receptive to hearing you out. In any case, maybe she is struggling to take care of the dogs or can’t walk them so she leaves them outside. Perhaps there is an opportunity to help find her support so that she, the dogs, you and your neighbors can be in better harmony.

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DEAR NATALIE: I’ve just started dating someone new that I’m really excited about. We’re keeping it casual because he just got out of a long term relationship, which works well for me. He still lives with his ex-partner in the house they own together. Based on what my date has told me, they have a neutral relationship that doesn’t bother them and living together feels fine. I don’t think the ex is getting in the way of our relationship developing, and I want to have a good relationship with him, because he obviously played a big part of his life – and he’s still around. We’ve only had a couple of interactions at their house so far and he seemed a little passive aggressive. I can handle it for now, and I don’t feel like it’s my place to encourage him to figure out if one of them will move out of their house any time soon, so I guess I’m just curious how you would handle this. I don’t expect him to love me, but I do hope we can keep the peace. How should I handle this with my date, and with his ex? –WHY YOU GOTTA BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE

DEAR WHY YOU GOTTA BE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: If we looked up the definition of “awkward” in the dictionary, my guess is that this would be it. Let’s take a step back and look at it from the ex’s perspective. He is still living with his ex-partner – who has moved on already. He hasn’t yet moved out of their shared place (for whatever reason) and I’m sure that feels uncomfortable. There could be lingering feelings – conscious or not – creating even more tension and frustration. And then you walk in the door. All things considered, it sounds as though they are both trying to handle this as maturely as possible. So what can you do to make it easier on yourself and everyone involved? Stay out of it as best you can. Obviously, you may be in the house from time to time, but perhaps date nights should be at your place or out in public until they start to figure out how long this situation will last. If it’s a few more weeks, great. If not, you may want to talk to him so he can communicate to his ex about a schedule that works for everyone. And keeping it casual makes a lot of sense… especially while they are still under the same roof! Just another reason we need more affordable housing…

DEAR NATALIE: Next month I’m going on vacation with my boyfriend’s family. He was raised really Catholic, and went to religious schooling all through college, and has since moved away from the church. His parents and siblings are still incredibly close to their religion, along with some political views that I find to be… unsavory. His approach is to keep things chill and say very little, but recent political events have had him a bit more on edge about wanting to open up conversations with them. He doesn’t have a temper, but some of them do. I want to be a supportive partner and be able to stand by his side and support him in communicating about our shared beliefs with his family. This issue comes up especially around abortion. I’ve had more than one (they don’t know this) and know that they don’t “believe it is right.” I’m especially nervous that this will come up and I’ll lose my temper on behalf of all of the women in my position. How can I communicate with them… without getting excommunicated? –SPEAKING MY TRUTH

DEAR SPEAKING MY TRUTH: What are the three things they say we should never speak about at the dinner table? Religion, politics and sex. Abortion fits into that trifecta of disastrous table talk. I recognize your desire to stand your ground, but I have to ask you, would you rather be right or be happy? The reality is, you aren’t going to change anyone’s mind on this, just like they aren’t going to change yours. If they bring up an unsavory subject, change it. Deflect and redirect. Your desire to defend your partner is admirable, but for the sake of your mental health, what will be accomplished by fueling the flames? It can be hard to be the bigger person here, and you may be asking why you have to be. Well... you don’t. But what kind of a relationship will you have if you engage with them and cause everyone to lose their temper? If they bring it up, remind them that they are entitled to their beliefs – as are you – and that it may be better for everyone’s sake if that rock isn’t overturned. If they don’t like that, you can distance yourself. And if they ask why? Tell them that unless they can respect you the way you respect them, there won’t be much of a future to speak of.

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DEAR NATALIE: I really liked this guy I met a few months ago. He liked me, too. We went on several dates and it was starting to feel serious. We weren’t exclusive – yet – but it was heading in that direction. Then, he met my friend, Kate, at my birthday party a few weeks ago. She knew I was super into this guy. She likes to flirt and drink and they made out on and off during my party. I was so upset and literally crying in the bathroom to my other friends. On my birthday. Kate’s reaction was so wild. She didn’t even care. She was so nonchalant about it. She said to me, “When I get drunk, I make out with everyone. It’s his issue, not mine. I’m not the one dating you.” I was taken aback and just cried some more. Now I feel as though I’ve lost my friend and this guy. He texted me the next day, claiming he “was so drunk, he didn’t remember” kissing her. Is that supposed to comfort me? I am not sure what to do. Should I just never bring her around boyfriends or guys I like? Should I give him another chance? I’m at a loss and still really sad. – BUMMER OF A BIRTHDAY

DEAR BUMMER OF A BIRTHDAY: We are going to start accepting the things we cannot change, and focus on what we can change. You cannot change either of these people and you’ve seen who they are. You cannot unsee it. So now, we focus on setting up boundaries. Cut this guy loose. You don’t need to go any farther down this road with him. It's a blessing in disguise that you saw this side of him so quickly. If this is how he is behaving and you aren’t even “exclusive,” I don’t want to know what happens next. I’m sorry you liked him, but you do not need to give him any more attention or energy. As for your friend, I would keep a healthy distance from her. She can be the “nonchalant makeout” person, but you get to be who you are. And you are allowed to keep space for yourself and whoever you bring into your life. She doesn’t get an automatic invite. These people don’t get to walk all over you. Own your space. Moving forward, you don't have to keep people around who do things like this.

DEAR NATALIE: My soon-to-be wife comes from a very wealthy family. They want me to sign a prenup, which I understand. But this prenup is completely unfair and leaves me with absolutely nothing if we divorce. They barely cover any moving expenses. I brought up these issues to her, and she was angry with me that I would even question the prenup. She said that it “sounded as though I was only marrying her for the money since I won’t sign it as is.” I explained to her that I am going to sign it, but shouldn’t it be somewhat fair? It became a huge fight and now we aren’t speaking. The wedding is in six weeks and I want to put this behind us, but frankly I was hurt by how she reacted. This should be a happy time for us and instead I feel as though this is a cloud over everything. Any suggestions on how to navigate this and get us back on track? – PRENUP MESS 

DEAR PRENUP MESS: You need to get your own lawyer. Stop talking about this directly with your fiancé. Her family has representation and so should you. Prenups don’t have to be these scary things. While I agree that it makes sense as to why her family would request one, you are allowed to negotiate to at least make things somewhat fair for you, as well. Hire a lawyer and explain to them what you would like to get out of this agreement. Then, let the lawyers handle it. This is an extremely emotional time with the upcoming wedding and you don’t want to be fixated on the “what ifs.” Let them do their jobs and you can focus on repairing your relationship post-fight. She’s allowed to feel her feelings, but yours are valid, too. Work on coming back together and remembering why you fell in love. Hopefully, the lawyers can come to an agreement that everyone can live with and you can live happily ever after – and never even have to think of that document again.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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