DEAR NATALIE: My partner of seven years has a bad habit of making fun of me in front of my family and friends. They like to put me down and “joke” about how I can’t sing (I know, so random) or can’t boil water – or how I even fold the laundry wrong. The truth is, I’m not domestic and not talented in those ways like they are, but I have a lot of other things I bring to the table. When we are alone, they treat me really well. This is why it is hurtful and confusing. It’s like when I say something to them in private about it after the fact, they act like I am totally overreacting and that it is “no big deal.” I don’t want to get resentful but I am starting to feel unloved and unwanted, which is making me less interested in them sexually, too. We haven’t had sex in a few months and I know it’s partly because of how they treat me.  I can’t get excited when someone is being mean. When they ask me to have sex, I make up an excuse because I’m embarrassed to tell them yet again why I am uninterested. Any ideas on how to make this work? I do love them and want to get this relationship back on track. –JUST BE NICE

DEAR JUST BE NICE: Instead of waiting until after the fact to tell them how you feel, try doing it in the moment. The next time they try to embarrass you in front of someone else, call them out right then and there. I don’t like bullies and this sounds a lot like bullying and gaslighting to me. Your partner should treat you with respect, love and kindness whether you are alone or in public. It shouldn’t matter. And if they ask to have sex, say something like, “Treating me with love and respect is what turns me on. And the way you treat me around our friends is a total turn-off. Show me you are working on yourself and then we can be together. Otherwise, I can’t get beyond the rude remarks you have made to me.” If they say you are overreacting, push back. There is no room for disrespectful treatment. You have told them it bothers you. If they can’t get it together, reevaluate who they are and if this relationship is worth it.   

DEAR NATALIE: My mom and sister have a horrible relationship – they are both very “conflict avoidant” so there are years of things broiling up under the surface of our family dynamic that no one talks about. (I learned that term in therapy). A lot of the interactions between them are very charged and tense, although seemingly insignificant. I feel like I’m in the middle because I have positive relationships with both of them – I see both of their sides. However, I also see the ways in which they’re causing the problem with their behavior. Neither of them are receptive to me sharing with them what I think they could be doing differently, neither of them will go to therapy. I genuinely want to be there for both of them and I want them to feel heard, but I want to be careful about taking sides. I don’t know how to take sides. I wish they could deal with it but I know I can’t make them do that. Every time we’re all together, I worry about how it will go and it’s stressful. Our dad died years ago so it is just the three of us. I know deep down they love each other, but how can I get us to a better place? We are all we have.

–SAD SIS

DEAR SAD SIS: You have to take a big step back. You are not going to care more about fixing this than they do. If they won’t go to therapy, if they aren’t receptive to what you say, and if they continue to dance like this, let them. It is not your job to fix this. In fact, I would make it clear that you are setting a boundary. While you love them both and will continue to spend time with them individually, if they can’t get it together or be kind to each other when the three of you are together, you won’t hang out with them at the same time. If this bothers them, too bad. You aren’t obligated to waste your emotional energy on this situation, either. If they want to complain to you and have no plan to improve the dynamic, I would shut down the conversation. Take control of this. You don’t have to put up with their nonsense and I would remind them that that's the case. They either get support from an outside individual or they whine about it to someone else.

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DEAR NATALIE: My sisters and I are extremely competitive. This was just how we were raised. When we were kids, it caused a lot of anxiety because my mother would pit us against each other and call out her “favorite” of the moment based on who was excelling at school, looked skinny or had a boyfriend. My oldest sister has a bad eating disorder because of it, while my youngest sister is twice-divorced after marrying men that my mother approved of just to win her affection. We have a family reunion coming up in August and I am desperately trying not to go. I know if I don’t go, my whole family will talk about me relentlessly and probably accost me afterward. We are an incredibly tight-knit family and I see my sisters and mother almost daily. I am having major anxiety about being around everyone at once because I recently was laid off from a high-paying corporate job. I received a decent severance and would like to travel for the summer without my family knowing. I need a break from them. How do I maneuver this situation, knowing how challenging it is to have any sort of private life? My mom’s house is literally across the street from mine. I feel totally suffocated and not sure what to do with my life. Any suggestions for how to deal with my overbearing family? – LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: You are allowed to miss the family reunion and take a solo vacation to spend some time to reconnect with yourself. You are allowed to move further away, too. You are allowed to limit your communication to once every other day – or even to once a week – if your family is toxic. This level of competition with your sisters has clearly taken its toll on all of you. I would recommend therapy if you haven't already explored this option. You don’t have to live under your mother’s thumb or under the scrutiny of your sisters who are all vying for her love. Put down the sword and walk away. You can still love them from a distance, but you are allowed to love yourself the most. 

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-wife and I have a very amicable relationship. We share two boys and live in the same neighborhood, so our kids can come and go as they please. It’s easy and it works for us.We have dinner together every Sunday (for the kids’ sake) to keep a family-like experience for them. We still go to each other’s in-laws for birthdays and holidays. We are still a family. I will always love her. We just met when we were very young and grew apart. There really wasn’t anything else to say. We were together for 18 years, married for 12 of them. (Happily married for ten). My new girlfriend is unhappy with how much time we spend together. I have invited her to events and outings so she can see how platonic it is, but she isn’t buying it. I don’t know what to do. I love her and want to be together. But she is starting to give me ultimatums that are making me uncomfortable. What should I do? Appease my new partner or stick by the mother of my children? I’m not sure how to navigate the waters here.

– MODERN FAMILY 

DEAR MODERN FAMILY: When you date someone with kids, you have to take everyone’s experiences and relationships into account. If she doesn’t want to date someone who has bags to carry, she should date someone who has a simpler situation — i.e., no kids or ex-wife. The reality is, your ex-wife is going to be in your life forever because you have children together. Even though one chapter is over, she’s still in your book. I would have a heart-to-heart with your new partner and reiterate to her that you love her and that you respect her, but that she has to understand that you and your kids are a package deal. Instead of her giving you an ultimatum, it may be time that you stood up for yourself in this situation. Do you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex? Do you want to continue Sunday dinners and family outings together? Do you enjoy this seemingly peaceful relationship dynamic with your ex? If the answer is yes, then your new partner has to accept it for what it is. She doesn't have to be “besties” with your ex – and neither do you. Establishing healthy boundaries is good for everyone. And raising well-adjusted children who see how relationships can flourish, even in the face of change, is important. Honoring your relationship in its new form also matters. If your new partner can’t overcome her insecurities – assuming you are providing reassurance of your love and fidelity to her – then she may not be the right fit for you and your family.

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DEAR NATALIE: I’m in the process of interviewing for jobs in higher education. There are a couple of interview questions that I often stumble over. In every interview, I’ve been asked what my weakness or fatal flaw is — or to describe a time when I had a conflict or a complete failure. My answers are close to being “too much of a good thing” like that I over plan, I’m a perfectionist. I also procrastinate, but I’m not sure how to frame this well. I worry about describing interpersonal conflict in a way that is true to the experiences I’ve had, especially with male authorities. I can take accountability where necessary, and I don’t know how to talk about my failures in a way that still makes me seem employable. Help! –NEEDS THE JOB

DEAR NEEDS THE JOB: It seems like trying to get a job these days is a labyrinth of cover letters, interviews, lighting candles and praying to all the gods. Why is this all so complicated? The reality is, showing up as your authentic self is the only way to go. You don’t want to apply for a job and present a false persona, get the job and then hate the culture because you faked your way in. Let’s work through some of these concerns and see if we can frame them in another way that still speaks to who you are. When asked what your fatal flaw is, perhaps we reframe that question. Say something like, “When I think of fatal flaws, it reminds me of this experience I had (where this flaw somehow ended up serving me or what I learned from that experience). “Instead of letting my fatal flaw control me moving forward, I recognize it for what it is and use it as an opportunity to grow and evolve.” Being a perfectionist is never a great thing when I hear it because it can mean that you are hesitant to make decisions. Remember that saying, “Done is better than perfect.” So recognizing that while you always strive to provide your best work, you recognize that perfectionism is unattainable and could be paralyzing. Instead, you have learned to note when you are moving into that headspace and now redirect yourself to seeing what is doable by the deadline and that becomes the goal – excellent (not perfect) work done in a timely manner. If you have had experiences with men that were negative in the workplace, try not to generalize. Instead, point out the specifics that created the conflict. Own up for your part of it, but also recognize that it takes two to tango. The right cultural fit will present itself when you present as your authentic self ready to show up, be a team player, work hard and adapt when necessary. Then, the rest is up to them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé cannot stop cheating on me. He is a great guy, good financial provider, and both have the same goals. I’m 36 – he’s 42 – and we are ready to start a family. But he likes to party and when he does – sometimes I can’t find him for a few days. He’ll go on a bender and black out. When this happens, I know he’s usually with mutual friends of ours and they report back as to what goes on. It’s usually not good. I don’t know if he’s had sex with anyone, but people do see him with other women. I am not sure how to handle this because in every other respect, he’s a great partner and I love him very much. Am I just blind? My mother and our friends say I should dump him. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

– KISS AND TELL

DEAR KISS AND TELL: It really comes down to what is a dealbreaker for you. Not everyone draws the line at cheating. If you can handle these indiscretions on his part, that is not for me or anyone else to judge. What concerns me more is that there is heavy drinking involved. If his behavior is tied to alcohol, there is something else at work here. I know you feel ready to marry and have a family, but don’t let that blind you to what is happening right in front of your eyes. This may not be the right person for you if this is the behavior he is already exhibiting. The fact that he is 42 and still “blacking out” from drinking is very concerning. If he hasn’t addressed these issues – or doesn’t know how or even want to address them – why would you consider having a family with this man? How can he be responsible for another life when he is so careless with his own? I would confront him. If he won’t address his drinking and the behaviors that go along with it in a meaningful way, it may be time to reconsider this relationship altogether. You deserve a reliable, faithful partner if that is what you want. Don’t settle out of fear of the unknown.

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