DEAR NATALIE: My sisters and I are extremely competitive. This was just how we were raised. When we were kids, it caused a lot of anxiety because my mother would pit us against each other and call out her “favorite” of the moment based on who was excelling at school, looked skinny or had a boyfriend. My oldest sister has a bad eating disorder because of it, while my youngest sister is twice-divorced after marrying men that my mother approved of just to win her affection. We have a family reunion coming up in August and I am desperately trying not to go. I know if I don’t go, my whole family will talk about me relentlessly and probably accost me afterward. We are an incredibly tight-knit family and I see my sisters and mother almost daily. I am having major anxiety about being around everyone at once because I recently was laid off from a high-paying corporate job. I received a decent severance and would like to travel for the summer without my family knowing. I need a break from them. How do I maneuver this situation, knowing how challenging it is to have any sort of private life? My mom’s house is literally across the street from mine. I feel totally suffocated and not sure what to do with my life. Any suggestions for how to deal with my overbearing family? – LEAVE ME ALONE

DEAR LEAVE ME ALONE: You are allowed to miss the family reunion and take a solo vacation to spend some time to reconnect with yourself. You are allowed to move further away, too. You are allowed to limit your communication to once every other day – or even to once a week – if your family is toxic. This level of competition with your sisters has clearly taken its toll on all of you. I would recommend therapy if you haven't already explored this option. You don’t have to live under your mother’s thumb or under the scrutiny of your sisters who are all vying for her love. Put down the sword and walk away. You can still love them from a distance, but you are allowed to love yourself the most. 

DEAR NATALIE: My ex-wife and I have a very amicable relationship. We share two boys and live in the same neighborhood, so our kids can come and go as they please. It’s easy and it works for us.We have dinner together every Sunday (for the kids’ sake) to keep a family-like experience for them. We still go to each other’s in-laws for birthdays and holidays. We are still a family. I will always love her. We just met when we were very young and grew apart. There really wasn’t anything else to say. We were together for 18 years, married for 12 of them. (Happily married for ten). My new girlfriend is unhappy with how much time we spend together. I have invited her to events and outings so she can see how platonic it is, but she isn’t buying it. I don’t know what to do. I love her and want to be together. But she is starting to give me ultimatums that are making me uncomfortable. What should I do? Appease my new partner or stick by the mother of my children? I’m not sure how to navigate the waters here.

– MODERN FAMILY 

DEAR MODERN FAMILY: When you date someone with kids, you have to take everyone’s experiences and relationships into account. If she doesn’t want to date someone who has bags to carry, she should date someone who has a simpler situation — i.e., no kids or ex-wife. The reality is, your ex-wife is going to be in your life forever because you have children together. Even though one chapter is over, she’s still in your book. I would have a heart-to-heart with your new partner and reiterate to her that you love her and that you respect her, but that she has to understand that you and your kids are a package deal. Instead of her giving you an ultimatum, it may be time that you stood up for yourself in this situation. Do you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex? Do you want to continue Sunday dinners and family outings together? Do you enjoy this seemingly peaceful relationship dynamic with your ex? If the answer is yes, then your new partner has to accept it for what it is. She doesn't have to be “besties” with your ex – and neither do you. Establishing healthy boundaries is good for everyone. And raising well-adjusted children who see how relationships can flourish, even in the face of change, is important. Honoring your relationship in its new form also matters. If your new partner can’t overcome her insecurities – assuming you are providing reassurance of your love and fidelity to her – then she may not be the right fit for you and your family.

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DEAR NATALIE: I’m in the process of interviewing for jobs in higher education. There are a couple of interview questions that I often stumble over. In every interview, I’ve been asked what my weakness or fatal flaw is — or to describe a time when I had a conflict or a complete failure. My answers are close to being “too much of a good thing” like that I over plan, I’m a perfectionist. I also procrastinate, but I’m not sure how to frame this well. I worry about describing interpersonal conflict in a way that is true to the experiences I’ve had, especially with male authorities. I can take accountability where necessary, and I don’t know how to talk about my failures in a way that still makes me seem employable. Help! –NEEDS THE JOB

DEAR NEEDS THE JOB: It seems like trying to get a job these days is a labyrinth of cover letters, interviews, lighting candles and praying to all the gods. Why is this all so complicated? The reality is, showing up as your authentic self is the only way to go. You don’t want to apply for a job and present a false persona, get the job and then hate the culture because you faked your way in. Let’s work through some of these concerns and see if we can frame them in another way that still speaks to who you are. When asked what your fatal flaw is, perhaps we reframe that question. Say something like, “When I think of fatal flaws, it reminds me of this experience I had (where this flaw somehow ended up serving me or what I learned from that experience). “Instead of letting my fatal flaw control me moving forward, I recognize it for what it is and use it as an opportunity to grow and evolve.” Being a perfectionist is never a great thing when I hear it because it can mean that you are hesitant to make decisions. Remember that saying, “Done is better than perfect.” So recognizing that while you always strive to provide your best work, you recognize that perfectionism is unattainable and could be paralyzing. Instead, you have learned to note when you are moving into that headspace and now redirect yourself to seeing what is doable by the deadline and that becomes the goal – excellent (not perfect) work done in a timely manner. If you have had experiences with men that were negative in the workplace, try not to generalize. Instead, point out the specifics that created the conflict. Own up for your part of it, but also recognize that it takes two to tango. The right cultural fit will present itself when you present as your authentic self ready to show up, be a team player, work hard and adapt when necessary. Then, the rest is up to them. 

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé cannot stop cheating on me. He is a great guy, good financial provider, and both have the same goals. I’m 36 – he’s 42 – and we are ready to start a family. But he likes to party and when he does – sometimes I can’t find him for a few days. He’ll go on a bender and black out. When this happens, I know he’s usually with mutual friends of ours and they report back as to what goes on. It’s usually not good. I don’t know if he’s had sex with anyone, but people do see him with other women. I am not sure how to handle this because in every other respect, he’s a great partner and I love him very much. Am I just blind? My mother and our friends say I should dump him. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

– KISS AND TELL

DEAR KISS AND TELL: It really comes down to what is a dealbreaker for you. Not everyone draws the line at cheating. If you can handle these indiscretions on his part, that is not for me or anyone else to judge. What concerns me more is that there is heavy drinking involved. If his behavior is tied to alcohol, there is something else at work here. I know you feel ready to marry and have a family, but don’t let that blind you to what is happening right in front of your eyes. This may not be the right person for you if this is the behavior he is already exhibiting. The fact that he is 42 and still “blacking out” from drinking is very concerning. If he hasn’t addressed these issues – or doesn’t know how or even want to address them – why would you consider having a family with this man? How can he be responsible for another life when he is so careless with his own? I would confront him. If he won’t address his drinking and the behaviors that go along with it in a meaningful way, it may be time to reconsider this relationship altogether. You deserve a reliable, faithful partner if that is what you want. Don’t settle out of fear of the unknown.

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DEAR NATALIE: I share a dog with my ex-fiancee. She only wants to spend time with the dog when it is convenient and cute for her – and she doesn’t actually share the responsibilities. We’ve been split up for about a year and a half. Sometimes, in the beginning, we would hang out with the dog together, but then she told me she didn’t want to be a part of the dog’s life because she didn’t want to see me. Then, she moved away and we didn’t discuss the fact that I would be taking care of her entirely on my own. This was a problem in our relationship, where I felt she didn’t help me with the dog or other responsibilities of our life. Now, she’s back in town and occasionally wants to walk the dog, but she’s unreliable and inconsistent. How can I deal with an ex’s flaws that were issues in our relationship that are part of why I stopped being in the relationship, but now I still have to deal with them in a different capacity because of the dog as our shared responsibility?

– DOGGY ISSUES 

DEAR DOGGY ISSUES: Is the dog a shared responsibility, though? It sounds as though you’ve done most of the heavy lifting – and I’m guessing you did in your relationship, too. If she can’t stick to a schedule that you both can live with, why are you still pretending like you share this dog? It sounds as though this is your dog that she occasionally visits. I would ask yourself if you are putting up with this nonsense from her because you still want to see her – which could be hindering you from moving on – or if you are repeating old, unhealthy cycles. You need to communicate with her what you need if you are going to continue with this arrangement. Either she consistently gets on a schedule that you can both live with and adhere to, or you are going to claim full ownership of the dog and she can visit if and when it is convenient for you. There needs to be a conversation, rules in place, and an understanding of where you both are in your lives. In fact, you may be doing her a favor. She may not even care about this as much as she lets on. Put it all on the table and see where the chips fall. There’s a reason you aren’t together, and maybe the dog is the final tether. It could be time to cut her loose – the ex, not the dog.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been separated for a few months, and I’ve decided I am ready for a divorce. We have two beautiful children together, and I don’t think he is fit to care for them. I’m aware that I may be about to enter a legal nightmare — his parents think we should stay together for the kids, but I know they are not seeing the situation for what it really is. I cannot stand to be around his anger and unhealed issues that he refuses to work on. I’m afraid to even talk with him outside of our therapy sessions – and he has threatened to stop going to those. I don’t need or want his parents' approval, but I do feel there’s a level of strategy I have to use so that they don’t continue to only see his twisted version of things. They are in a better financial place than I am and I don’t want them to leverage that against me in court. How should I approach telling him, and them, that I need to separate for good? – SEPARATION ANXIETY 

DEAR SEPARATION ANXIETY: I can’t imagine that this will be a shock to them or your estranged husband since you are already separated. The fact that he isn’t engaging with therapy makes me believe that the relationship is at a standstill on his end. Considering you also feel intimidated or even threatened by him, what is left to work on? Instead, it may be time to use therapy to come to a resolution that works for you both as you finalize a divorce. Call your therapist and let them know where you stand emotionally. They may be able to help you bring this up to him during a session. If he won’t attend any further sessions, you may want to work through this on your own so that you can either discuss it with him over the phone with your therapist present or in a public space with support nearby. As far as his parents are concerned, they are most likely going to take his side and paint you as the problem. They may have blinders on since this is their son. You most likely can’t do much about that, so I wouldn’t fixate on how to appease them. Do what you need to do so that you can look in the mirror and sleep through the night. Staying together for the kids is an antiquated idea. Your children shouldn’t be subjected to an unhealthy home where mom and dad are constantly at war. Yes, divorce is hard, but watching their mother being abused will only lead to more issues for them to work through as they grow up. Instead, seeing their parents thrive in separate spaces shows them that boundaries and self-care are important in order to have a strong foundation for a healthy life. If their father can’t accept that, do what you need to do to protect yourself while you work through the divorce. Who are your natural supporters? Lean on your family and close friends right now. Reach out to an attorney on your own for counsel so that you make decisions that benefit you and your children while also being fair to your husband. Divorce isn’t ideal, but staying together and remaining miserable is not the answer that will bring anyone peace. You deserve to be content in your life. You deserve to find joy and happiness. This isn’t selfish. Follow your gut on this one. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

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