DEAR NATALIE: A new co-worker I’m getting to know was kind enough to invite me to her baby shower, as we are all so excited. My only issue is the gift I ordered. I went on her registry and ordered several of the books from the list. Okay, I ordered all of the books from the list. And now I’m freaking out because they should come from meaningful relatives who sign them and then the baby relishes them forever. Right? What should I do? –DID I DO A FAUX PAS?

DEAR DID I DO A FAUX PAS: I love that you were so excited that you bought all the books! Over the years, I’ve done the same thing, and had the family sign the books at the shower to make it extra special. What you can do is leave the books unwrapped, set them out at the shower, and encourage everyone in attendance to write a sweet note inside the cover of one or all of them. Of course, first ask the mom-to-be if this is OK with her. Passing the books around and letting people write personal messages inside the books can make everyone feel connected, inspired and joyful. People start talking about their messages with each other and it can be a great bonding opportunity. Embrace this moment and let it be infused with all the love and goodness – and excitement! – that you felt when buying the books. Then, as the baby grows and eventually sees and reads the messages on their own – how very loved and special they will feel! 

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a middle school teacher seeking hope and solidarity as we all navigate this scary world. This week I was locked out of a classroom that I was trying to enter to help a student prepare for an upcoming test. The security guard told me I could not get in because the classroom was in the middle of an active shooter drill. The school did not notify me of the drill, and they were unable to provide any other option for where I could go with the student. When I sent an email to the administration, they told me they did not plan on informing me when the drills or other “gun violence preparedness” plans were happening. This is unbelievably saddening, but also stressful and scary. The way these students are constantly having both their education and their emotional states damaged because of lack of gun control is infuriating. I feel so small and confused about how I can use my role as a teacher for good, both in my ecosystem of the school and at large. What would you do, if you were in my position? –WE NEED GUN CONTROL NOW

DEAR WE NEED GUN CONTROL NOW: What kind of world are we creating for our children? It’s maddening on every level. The first thing I would do is inquire with the administration about what their plan is for teachers and students who are locked out of classrooms during a drill. Where were you supposed to report to? Shouldn’t there be a plan for those who aren’t in a classroom at the time? What if your student is in the bathroom or in a different part of the building? What are they to do? A drill is theoretically supposed to prepare you for the worst-case scenario. They can’t only prepare students who are just in a classroom. What’s the plan? I would bring this to their attention and see what they say. In your own classroom, are you allowed to speak about this issue? It seems valuable to ask the kids how they are handling this, and provide a space to talk about their emotions around this. Creating an opportunity for them to share their perspective may be helpful for all of you in how you cope moving forward. The act of the drill is traumatizing in and of itself. No child or adult in a school setting should ever feel unsafe. Outside of school, there are plenty of organizations focused on gun control and legislation. If you want to be a part of something more organized, I suggest looking up community action groups like https://marchforourlives.com/ or https://www.everytown.org/ because the reality is, as long as we sit on the sidelines, we can’t change the game. Good luck to you and your students. May we build them a better world.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: I caught Covid-19 last summer and so did my boyfriend. For him, it was a bad cold. For me, I ended up with long-Covid and my symptoms are still lingering. It has greatly impacted the quality of my life. I am 24 years old. While we both were vaccinated and usually masked everywhere, I did perform in a band unmasked, which is how I caught the virus. My boyfriend and I live together, so we both test regularly, mask in indoor spaces and do what we can to mitigate our risk. However, over the course of the past six months, my boyfriend and I have been invited out less and less because we want our friends to mask and test before we see them. I am too scared to be reinfected because of my horrible symptoms. My boyfriend’s friends are saying that I am “too controlling” and that he should break up with me. Most people in our social circle have told me straight up “they don’t care about this anymore” and to stop worrying so much. How is it that I feel like I’m the bad guy here? I am so isolated – emotionally and physically – and I am so afraid my boyfriend is going to break up with me. I’m in grad school, I work at a coffee shop – I live life. It's just when I see our friends at concerts or taking plane trips without masks, is it so much to ask that they test and mask when we hang out? This is an issue wedging between me and my boyfriend and I’m afraid he’s going to leave me. What should I do? –FEELING GASLIT

DEAR FEELING GASLIT: We are truly living in a twilight zone. How is it that you are seen as “controlling” for wanting to slow the spread of an airborne disease that is killing millions and leaving millions more disabled and unable to contribute to society? I completely understand where you are and I empathize deeply with you. Those of us still masking in public spaces, being mindful of eating indoors, and generally avoiding crowded areas or events are seen by some as overreacting, or as paranoid hypochondriacs. But we aren’t. You aren’t. You are trying to avoid a debilitating and potentially deadly disease. You are trying to avoid spreading it to others. Who would have thought that public health would take this kind of a turn? Where the idea of free masks, free tests, up-to-date data in our communities, improved ventilation of indoor spaces and life-saving vaccines would be sneered at? These things should be normalized as we learn to live with the virus running rampant among us. We now know that every reinfection increases our chances of long-term disability and serious health problems. We have no social safety nets to protect us in the United States. So we have to do everything to protect ourselves. I would tell your boyfriend exactly what you just told me. Explain to him where you are emotionally and mentally. All of us are wishing Covid was over. But ignoring reality and living in denial won’t make it go away. No one is saying that you can’t or shouldn’t live life. But if he wants to go out with friends without a mask or be at a concert or large gathering, the least he can do is wear a mask around your home for a few days after and test 24-to-48 hours after potential exposure. There are compromises here. But, if he insists on being unmasked everywhere, including work (if he works in a public space) then you may have to reconsider living with him. If the risk is too high for your health, you have to ask yourself – is this relationship worth it?

DEAR NATALIE: I just discovered that I am pregnant and in a state without access to abortion care. I told my partner about the pregnancy and he told me that I should do “whatever I want” and that he isn’t interested in being a dad right now, anyway. He hasn’t offered to buy me a plane or train ticket to get me to the nearest state with access, and I cannot afford to do anything on my own. It is a really scary situation where I live. I am worried that if I have the baby, my boyfriend won’t support us. I don’t have a good-paying job and I am in no position to take care of a child. What should I do? I am afraid to ask my family to drive me to another state because they are so conservative. I feel completely alone. Any suggestions? –I AM ABANDONED 

DEAR I AM ABANDONED: While I don’t know which state you are in, you should still call your medical provider and inquire about the abortion pill. If they aren’t allowed to prescribe it, there are spaces like Planned Parenthood and abortionfinder.org that can provide information. There are telehealth services available, as well, because some states require waiting periods and ultrasounds before giving you the pills. It is outrageous that in 2023 you even have to write a letter like this. My hope is that you are able to access the healthcare that you need in a timely manner so that you can move forward with your life in a way that brings you peace. This shouldn’t even be a conversation up for public consumption. It should be no one’s decision but yours and your healthcare provider’s as to what is best for you and your life. If your partner doesn’t want to be a parent, you should both sit down and talk about precautions you can take moving forward to lower the chance of pregnancy risk. Should he get a vasectomy? Should you use some form of birth control along with condoms? Because you live in a state where the stakes are high, there is no room for error. Becoming a parent is a transformative, life-altering decision. It should never be taken lightly and you should be provided with all of the information and support needed so that you can make the best decision. I have had many friends who had abortions when they were younger and then went on to have children later in life. It was about timing. It was about money. It was about opportunity. It was about having the right partner. You deserve to have the life that you want – not one that is forced upon you by the state. Good luck to you.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga

DEAR NATALIE: My brother’s wife suddenly died. She was dealing with some health issues, but was only 47 and this was unexpected. She leaves behind two daughters (my nieces), who are both still in high school. It is a true tragedy. Even worse, my brother and my other sister are not close. He doesn't want me to tell her that his wife passed. I don’t think this is right. She should have the opportunity to mourn her sister-in-law, even if they were estranged. What should I do? He was very adamant about it, but I think it is a huge mistake. Any ideas? I know he is in shock by his wife’s death and this has upended his whole life. Do you think he will regret this decision? Should I take charge? –UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY

DEAR UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY: This is a tough one because you want to be respectful of your brother, but also you want to be respectful of your sister. The reality is, she will find out. Someone will tell her — cousin, a friend, or another family member. This information should be shared with the immediate family. If she finds out another way, this situation could be made much worse. She also has the right to mourn her family. Try talking to your brother again about this. He may have been in shock and isn’t thinking clearly. If he still refuses, you can still reach out to her on your own. Be mindful of what may happen if you do, but if you know and don’t tell her, now it looks as though you are also “against” her. She may want to just send flowers or come to the viewing during an off-time when your brother won’t be there. Death is complicated. Mourning is even more so. Everyone should be given the chance to grieve, however. I don’t think he has the right to monopolize that space. 

DEAR NATALIE: Do you ever feel like the people you work with are just… incompetent? Lately I’ve really been struggling with the way a number of my colleagues and clients operate on the projects we work on. I feel like I’m always chasing someone down for an overdue email, an invoice, or to do something in a more efficient way. I’m trying my best not to be a control freak and know that everyone operates on their own timeline, but I’m like, come on people! A lot of them have been in the industry longer than I have, so I don’t want to undermine them by being too assertive, but I feel like so many things are taking longer than they need to. I don’t think the strategy for some of the work they’re doing makes sense, either. I work freelance so it’s not like I can just call an all-staff meeting with everyone in my life. I know I must be part of the problem if I’m the common denominator, but I really don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable. How can I change the tone and pace of things so that I don’t go crazy?

–DISGRUNTLED AT WORK

DEAR DISGRUNTLED AT WORK: It can be very frustrating when you see a way that things can be done more effectively and efficiently, but think of it this way: your check cashes either way. You can’t care more than they do. Broach the subject once. Offer solutions and ways to increase efficiency or more effective communication. But, if they don’t integrate it, you can either stay in your frustration and become passive-aggressive because of it, or you can roll with their flow and take note of all the things you now know “not to do” when working with people in the future. Setting the groundwork for future clients can also help to offset this, as well. At the end of the day, everyone is overwhelmed and overworked. Give some space and grace. When it gets to be too much, step back, take a break and take a walk.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga