DEAR NATALIE: My brother’s wife suddenly died. She was dealing with some health issues, but was only 47 and this was unexpected. She leaves behind two daughters (my nieces), who are both still in high school. It is a true tragedy. Even worse, my brother and my other sister are not close. He doesn't want me to tell her that his wife passed. I don’t think this is right. She should have the opportunity to mourn her sister-in-law, even if they were estranged. What should I do? He was very adamant about it, but I think it is a huge mistake. Any ideas? I know he is in shock by his wife’s death and this has upended his whole life. Do you think he will regret this decision? Should I take charge? –UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY

DEAR UNEXPECTED TRAGEDY: This is a tough one because you want to be respectful of your brother, but also you want to be respectful of your sister. The reality is, she will find out. Someone will tell her — cousin, a friend, or another family member. This information should be shared with the immediate family. If she finds out another way, this situation could be made much worse. She also has the right to mourn her family. Try talking to your brother again about this. He may have been in shock and isn’t thinking clearly. If he still refuses, you can still reach out to her on your own. Be mindful of what may happen if you do, but if you know and don’t tell her, now it looks as though you are also “against” her. She may want to just send flowers or come to the viewing during an off-time when your brother won’t be there. Death is complicated. Mourning is even more so. Everyone should be given the chance to grieve, however. I don’t think he has the right to monopolize that space. 

DEAR NATALIE: Do you ever feel like the people you work with are just… incompetent? Lately I’ve really been struggling with the way a number of my colleagues and clients operate on the projects we work on. I feel like I’m always chasing someone down for an overdue email, an invoice, or to do something in a more efficient way. I’m trying my best not to be a control freak and know that everyone operates on their own timeline, but I’m like, come on people! A lot of them have been in the industry longer than I have, so I don’t want to undermine them by being too assertive, but I feel like so many things are taking longer than they need to. I don’t think the strategy for some of the work they’re doing makes sense, either. I work freelance so it’s not like I can just call an all-staff meeting with everyone in my life. I know I must be part of the problem if I’m the common denominator, but I really don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable. How can I change the tone and pace of things so that I don’t go crazy?

–DISGRUNTLED AT WORK

DEAR DISGRUNTLED AT WORK: It can be very frustrating when you see a way that things can be done more effectively and efficiently, but think of it this way: your check cashes either way. You can’t care more than they do. Broach the subject once. Offer solutions and ways to increase efficiency or more effective communication. But, if they don’t integrate it, you can either stay in your frustration and become passive-aggressive because of it, or you can roll with their flow and take note of all the things you now know “not to do” when working with people in the future. Setting the groundwork for future clients can also help to offset this, as well. At the end of the day, everyone is overwhelmed and overworked. Give some space and grace. When it gets to be too much, step back, take a break and take a walk.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I have been with my wife for 37 years and I love our companionship, but there is something I’m really struggling with. We have not been intimate in a while, and emotionally, I feel as though we are like siblings – close family, who I love very much, but something is not right. My adult son recently came out as gay and I am so proud of him. She is having a hard time with this, because she has always hoped for children from him and a traditional family landscape. He is our only child. This is bringing up a lot for me. He told us he has been out to his friends for a lot longer, and I was not surprised by this. But what I was surprised by, is that as soon as he came out to us, I started to feel almost envious of him and his freedom to make the choices he wants based on his heart’s desire. Now, I’m not sure that I’m gay, but I feel there is something worth exploring here. I have no idea how to talk to my wife about this, and I’m not sure how my son would feel if I talked to him about it either. Help! – QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS

DEAR QUESTIONS WITH NO ANSWERS: Before you talk to your wife or your son, I recommend you reach out to a therapist about this. If you have a part of you that needs to be unearthed and explored, it may be safer and more constructive to do it with someone who is a part of and who therapeutically works with the LGBTQIA+ communities. You may not know where this feeling came from, but the fact that your son’s self-actualization sparked something in your own spirit is enough of a reason to dig deeper. And let’s say that you discover, perhaps, that you are bisexual or gay. Then what? It will be important that you already have a support team in place so that you can work through how you may approach your wife. You have almost four decades together. That is important and meaningful and something to be proud of. Only you know what’s best for your own future, however, so take this one step at a time. Acknowledge yourself and who you need to be first. Then, focus on how your marriage may be impacted. Good luck to you.  

DEAR NATALIE: I work at a coffee shop where I spend a lot of my time. I haven’t dated in a while but I’m ready to get back out there. I have one regular customer that I really enjoy talking to and I want to take our relationship out of the coffee shop. I don’t want to ruin their experience of coming to the coffee shop if they don’t see me the same way I see them, but I know the only way to know is to take a leap. I’ve seen them come in with someone who may be a friend or may be someone they’re dating. I don’t want to overstep, but I also don’t want to make any assumptions. I recently had a customer ask me out, and that made me uncomfortable, since it’s my workplace and it’s my job to be nice to them. But, I feel slightly differently with the tables turned. How can I pursue this potential crush without making things weird for both of us? - COFFEE DATE?

DEAR COFFEE DATE?: If you’ve read any of my other advice columns, I’m not one for subtle. I believe in putting it out there and letting the chips fall where they may. It’s important that you remain respectful and are able to read the room. Have they given you any signals to indicate that they may also be interested in you? If not, that doesn’t mean they don’t “like” you, they could just be shy. But if they are giving you signals, that is a good indication. Are there any events or things happening in the community where you could connect outside the coffee shop? It might be easier (and less awkward) to tell them about a book fair or community potluck, to take things outside of the space of your shifts at the coffee shop. Then you could simply use that as a segue and say, “Hope we can see each other there!” Then, if you do, you are in a different dynamic and it could be easier to ask them out for coffee or dinner. If there are no events to speak of, you may just have to take the leap and see if they want to meet outside the coffee shop to get to know each other better. If they quickly say no, then just move on. Brush it off. But, if they say yes… then who knows? Love could be brewing!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am a therapist and recently acquired my license so that I can open my own private practice. I have a few friends who have utilized me over the years for their questions around relationships – which was fine – but recently I feel as though a few of them are really stepping over the line and expecting free therapy sessions. I don’t feel that it is appropriate for me to give them advice at that level at this point. I want to tell them to seek support, but I feel as though they will be offended. I know I should know what to do here, but you know it is always easier to give advice than to take it! Do you have any advice for the advice givers on how to navigate tricky waters with good friends? – I'M NOT YOUR THERAPIST 

DEAR I'M NOT YOUR THERAPIST: Isn’t it always easier to give advice than it is to take it? I am a big believer in setting healthy boundaries. People think that means it’s all or nothing – either totally enmeshed or totally dismissive of the other person. But, I like to think of it like a screen door. You can filter in what you want and leave out what you don’t while keeping the door still open and remaining friends. It allows you to navigate that space differently than you did before. You are allowed to set rules for yourself, especially as you move forward in this journey. It is OK to tell them that while you love and care for them as a friend, it would be unethical to provide advice to them in a therapeutic sense. Then, recommend some colleagues or other support that they could benefit from. If they bristle, that’s on them. You can explain that while you love your job, you would like to keep a separation in your personal relationships. Stand strong in what you need in order to have meaningful interactions that are healthy and constructive for both of you. You are not someone’s emotional doormat – so act accordingly. 

DEAR NATALIE: I found out recently that my friend isn’t inviting me to her wedding. She is a very close friend and we have been there for each other through everything. I have known her for almost seven years. I wouldn’t be so upset but she is inviting other friends of mine. I asked her directly why I was left off of the guest list. She said that since I am single, she didn’t think I would want to come alone and sit with people I didn’t know. Everyone else has a partner, she said. I was really taken aback. Since when does “being single” get you kicked off of a guest list? I think she could tell I was very hurt and is now trying to back peddle and offer me an invitation. Obviously I don’t want a pity invite. How do I move forward with our friendship when I feel incredibly slighted? Do I go? Do I just send a gift? I feel so offended. – TABLE FOR ONE

DEAR TABLE FOR ONE: Our society is seemingly obsessed with coupling up, even though more than ever, people are living single. As a married person who planned her own wedding, I did not leave anyone off the list because they didn’t have a plus-one. That is a strange thing to do. Plus, weddings are great places to meet people! Why wouldn’t you want to have all of your friends – single and coupled – interacting and having a great time? Good for you for being direct about why you didn’t get an invite. I wouldn't want to go either, to be honest with you. She should be embarrassed for how she treated you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single. But keep it classy — send a card and a small gift from the registry. On their big day, you can indulge in something fun for yourself.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga