DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is cheating on her husband and I have known about it now for months. She is having an affair with someone at her office – who is her subordinate. She keeps telling me that she wants to leave her husband, but only if the guy she is cheating with leaves his wife. I am totally torn about how I feel. I told her that sneaking around like this is going to hurt a lot of people, but she just said that she’s been unhappily married for a long time and wants out. So I said, “Then tell (her husband’s name) that you want a divorce.” But the minute I bring up the “d” word, she starts making all of these excuses as to why she can’t leave him. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it, too. I know her husband. He is a terrific father and she never expressed unhappiness until she started having an affair. Is this just a mid-life crisis? Will it blow over? At what point does someone tell her husband what is going on? She has wanted me to “cover” for her on more than one occasion, but I am so uncomfortable lying to her husband. How do I figure this out without losing my best friend? –CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: It is absolutely unacceptable that your friend is expecting you to lie for her. While she may be in la-la land right now, your feet are planted firmly on the ground and you see this for what it is: a huge mess. This is not yours to clean up. Your friend either has to own up to what she is doing and accept the consequences of her actions (i.e. a potential divorce) or she needs to end this affair and use that space to figure out what void she is trying to fill with this other relationship. Having a mid-life crisis is no excuse to lie and cheat. Having said all of that, I implore you: do not get involved. Let her know that while you will not interfere with what she is doing, you will not be an accomplice in it. Remind her that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would be horrified by what her husband was doing. Let her know that you are saying this from a place of love. If she’s unhappy, you want her to be happy – but not at the expense of someone else. She needs to end this affair, figure out her marriage and then make a decision. The fact that she is sleeping with a (married) subordinate at work also adds another layer to this. Maybe this is how she feels in control or empowered for the first time. She needs to examine that and look at what’s really turning her on. Is it this other guy – or is it what he represents? Hopefully she can figure it all out before she self-implodes. But as my grandma always used to say, “People make their own problems.” Don’t make her problems yours, too.
DEAR NATALIE: I am a single parent raising a smart, compassionate and extroverted 4-year- old. I recently unexpectedly lost my mom who lived overseas with many of my other family members. I have never experienced grief like this and am beside myself. I am very well supported by friends and neighbors, but I am not sure how I will ever come out of this depression. My child loves that more family and friends have been stopping by, but I think he is also struggling with the difference in my personality since losing my mom. I can barely explain the depths of how I’m feeling to people my own age, let alone to my child. I want my grief to impact him as little as possible, but I feel that I am already disrupting his life. How can I continue to talk about what I’m going through with my child, and provide him with as happy of a life as possible, even though there is no happiness on the horizon for me?
–OVERCOME WITH GRIEF
DEAR OVERCOME WITH GRIEF: Losing a parent is transformative. I am so sorry to hear that your mother has died and that you weren’t able to be there in her final hours. Having your family live so far away presents its own unique set of challenges and I’m sure the finality of this situation is still settling in. While I applaud you for wanting to protect your child, who is protecting you? You deserve support and to be heard at this moment. I recommend seeking out a therapist who focuses on grief. Having lost my dad a few years ago, I also felt like I would never come out of that cycle of depression and sadness. It wasn’t until my friend suggested a therapist that I was able to feel empowered to express my feelings, confront my fears and work through my pain. You will never “get over it,” as some people like to think. You will never “go back to being the same,” either. And that’s a good thing! Grief work can help you feel closer to your mom, closer to yourself and prepare you for whatever else life throws at you. A counselor can also give you the tools to help talk with your precocious son in a way that is helpful for you both. You don’t have to suffer through this. You can find support and you can find solace. Everything you need is already inside of you. Therapy helps to bring it to the surface. Do the work. Feel better. It is possible! Good luck to you.
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