DEAR NATALIE: My best friend is cheating on her husband and I have known about it now for months. She is having an affair with someone at her office – who is her subordinate. She keeps telling me that she wants to leave her husband, but only if the guy she is cheating with leaves his wife. I am totally torn about how I feel. I told her that sneaking around like this is going to hurt a lot of people, but she just said that she’s been unhappily married for a long time and wants out. So I said, “Then tell (her husband’s name) that you want a divorce.” But the minute I bring up the “d” word, she starts making all of these excuses as to why she can’t leave him. She seems to want to have her cake and eat it, too. I know her husband. He is a terrific father and she never expressed unhappiness until she started having an affair. Is this just a mid-life crisis? Will it blow over? At what point does someone tell her husband what is going on? She has wanted me to “cover” for her on more than one occasion, but I am so uncomfortable lying to her husband. How do I figure this out without losing my best friend? –CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE 

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: It is absolutely unacceptable that your friend is expecting you to lie for her. While she may be in la-la land right now, your feet are planted firmly on the ground and you see this for what it is: a huge mess. This is not yours to clean up. Your friend either has to own up to what she is doing and accept the consequences of her actions (i.e. a potential divorce) or she needs to end this affair and use that space to figure out what void she is trying to fill with this other relationship. Having a mid-life crisis is no excuse to lie and cheat. Having said all of that, I implore you: do not get involved. Let her know that while you will not interfere with what she is doing, you will not be an accomplice in it. Remind her that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would be horrified by what her husband was doing. Let her know that you are saying this from a place of love. If she’s unhappy, you want her to be happy – but not at the expense of someone else. She needs to end this affair, figure out her marriage and then make a decision. The fact that she is sleeping with a (married) subordinate at work also adds another layer to this. Maybe this is how she feels in control or empowered for the first time. She needs to examine that and look at what’s really turning her on. Is it this other guy – or is it what he represents? Hopefully she can figure it all out before she self-implodes. But as my grandma always used to say, “People make their own problems.” Don’t make her problems yours, too.

DEAR NATALIE: I am a single parent raising a smart, compassionate and extroverted 4-year- old. I recently unexpectedly lost my mom who lived overseas with many of my other family members. I have never experienced grief like this and am beside myself. I am very well supported by friends and neighbors, but I am not sure how I will ever come out of this depression. My child loves that more family and friends have been stopping by, but I think he is also struggling with the difference in my personality since losing my mom. I can barely explain the depths of how I’m feeling to people my own age, let alone to my child. I want my grief to impact him as little as possible, but I feel that I am already disrupting his life. How can I continue to talk about what I’m going through with my child, and provide him with as happy of a life as possible, even though there is no happiness on the horizon for me?

–OVERCOME WITH GRIEF 

DEAR OVERCOME WITH GRIEF: Losing a parent is transformative. I am so sorry to hear that your mother has died and that you weren’t able to be there in her final hours. Having your family live so far away presents its own unique set of challenges and I’m sure the finality of this situation is still settling in. While I applaud you for wanting to protect your child, who is protecting you? You deserve support and to be heard at this moment. I recommend seeking out a therapist who focuses on grief. Having lost my dad a few years ago, I also felt like I would never come out of that cycle of depression and sadness. It wasn’t until my friend suggested a therapist that I was able to feel empowered to express my feelings, confront my fears and work through my pain. You will never “get over it,” as some people like to think. You will never “go back to being the same,” either. And that’s a good thing! Grief work can help you feel closer to your mom, closer to yourself and prepare you for whatever else life throws at you. A counselor can also give you the tools to help talk with your precocious son in a way that is helpful for you both. You don’t have to suffer through this. You can find support and you can find solace. Everything you need is already inside of you. Therapy helps to bring it to the surface. Do the work. Feel better. It is possible! Good luck to you.

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DEAR NATALIE: My mom is getting remarried after a really difficult couple of years. My dad died in a car accident and he was driving drunk at the time. He had a major problem with alcohol and it caused a lot of stress for my mom. I’m happy to see that she’s happy, but her sisters have been treating her pretty badly since she started dating her soon-to-be husband. They think he is “rude” and “difficult to be around” but really I think he’s just overprotective of her after all that she’s been through. He’s not a drinker and not a big “party guy” like my dad was. Because he doesn’t like to go out as much, everyone thinks he’s a snob. I don’t think he is, I think he’s just more introspective. All that matters is that I think he treats my mom well and she deserves to be happy. It’s been a really hard time for us all and I don’t know why my aunts are making things so difficult. Her one sister is even threatening not to come to the wedding and they feel as though she has rushed into this. Isn’t she allowed to live her own life? At what point should I tell my mom – who is super sweet and a pushover most of the time for people she loves – to butt out? – JUST WANTS MOM HAPPY

DEAR JUST WANTS MOM HAPPY: All you can do is be a support to her, as it seems you have been. I am so sorry that you both went through so much with your dad. I hope he is at peace and I hope that you are able to find peace, too. It appears as though your mom is working on that by finding a new relationship where she can be content. It doesn’t really matter what your aunts think and instead of giving her grief, they should be supporting her new chapter. This is a big deal. The fact that your mom was living with someone in active addiction, then had to come to terms with their tragic death – and has been able to move forward and find love is a testament to her spirit. Stand by her. Make sure you find the support that you need, as well. If your aunts want to act foolish, let them. It’s not worth getting involved as it will only cause more stress around an otherwise happy occasion. Just because someone is introverted doesn’t make them rude. A totally different personality may be what helps your mom heal this time around. Clearly you trust her and her process. It’s a shame her sisters can’t show her the same level of respect. I know they are most likely trying to protect her, but they must let go and let her move into this new space, surrounding her with love – not judgment. This isn't about them and I hope they stop centering themselves in her narrative. 

DEAR NATALIE: I haven’t spoken to my brother in almost eight years. We had a fallout over his now-ex-wife and he took her side over mine. Well, I was proven right and they are getting divorced. They have two kids, my nephews, who I haven’t seen in almost six years. I want to rekindle a relationship with my brother, but he hasn’t been responsive to my texts. My husband keeps telling me to give it time, but it’s been almost a decade. Isn’t he ready to move on? Especially now that she’s out of the picture? – I WANT MY BROTHER BACK 

DEAR I WANT MY BROTHER BACK: While you may be ready to reconcile, he may not be there yet. And yes, eight years is a terribly long time to go without talking to your sibling. I am so sorry you have been going through that. Instead of texting him, why not try calling him on the phone? Or writing him a handwritten letter? Don’t talk about the divorce. Talk about how you miss him, how you love him and how sorry you are that you stopped speaking. Own your part in it, don’t deflect, and ask for a time to reconnect. He may want to look to you as a shoulder to lean on one day. Take the first leap. It can be scary, but you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And if you do reconnect, you have to leave the past in the past. Rehashing it could cause it all to come bubbling to the surface again, which may only set you back. It’s time for a fresh start and a clean slate. Good luck to you both!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My sister has been a single mom for a long time and her previous husband was in jail. He is out of prison now but is not in my sister’s or my niece’s life. My sister has a track record of dating men that are not kind or supportive. She has a new boyfriend of six months. He is very wealthy and I think my sister has stars in her eyes because we never had any money as kids. She has been acting like a puppy dog ever since they got together. I have seen some major red flags with this guy. He is very controlling. I don’t like how he talks to my niece, either. But it is clear that my sister is smitten and is already talking about marriage. We have had a tumultuous relationship over the years, so I am hesitant to bring up my reservations about him. Do you think I should tell her that I am concerned for her? My husband says to let it be, but I don’t want her to get hurt. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and she deserves better. Any ideas on how to talk with her without starting a war? – DIFFICULT SISTER

DEAR DIFFICULT SISTER: Do you want peace or do you want to be right? Unfortunately, with many relationships – and especially with family – sharing what you really think can land you in hot water. If this guy is displaying controlling behavior, and it is concerning to you, you may want to tread very lightly. Because she is smitten, she will most likely not be receptive to whatever it is you are about to tell her. Give it space. Take mental notes of what you see and hear. Check in with your niece and just ask her what she thinks of this new boyfriend. Be methodical in your approach. If your sister comes to you at any point with her concerns, be supportive, but don’t bad-mouth him. If they do stay together, this will only deepen the wedge between you. Instead, wait it out. He may not stick around and then the issue will resolve itself. If he is sticking around, make it a point to come around and come around often. Show him that she has support in her life and that you are there for her, no matter what. Good luck! 

DEAR NATALIE: I love my wife but she has a horrible temper. Like – flip a table, throw a drink, charge at you when she’s enraged – kind of temper. She never directs it at me, but she has directed it at other people in our family and circle of friends. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just says she’s a “hot-blooded Italian.” Her dad was the same way. I don’t think being “hot-blooded” gives you the right to verbally eviscerate someone or come at them physically. It really got out of hand at my daughter’s birthday party last weekend where my wife got into it with the caterer. I thought they were going to call the cops. My wife was escorted out of her own daughter’s party. I am not sure how to handle this anymore. My daughter is embarrassed to go out with her and I worry about her seeing this behavior and thinking this is how you handle conflict. What can I do without setting off my wife? We can’t live like this. – PLEASE COOL OFF

DEAR PLEASE COOL OFF: I am so sorry you and your daughter are stuck in such an abusive cycle with your wife. Even though she isn’t directing her rage toward you (yet), she is clearly impacting everyone around her. The only thing you can do is try and communicate your concern for the situation. When you talk to her, center how it is making your family feel and how it is potentially impacting your daughter. Being “hot-blooded” is not an excuse for flying into blind rages and causing such commotion that she gets removed from public gatherings. This is not normal and I don’t want you to be gaslit. Sit down and talk about it as a family. She needs to work with someone on anger management skills and more constructive coping mechanisms to handle her emotions in a way that isn’t harmful to you or your daughter. She learned this behavior from the environment she grew up in. Does she really want to pass this along to the next generation? I doubt it. Come from a place of concern and love. Don’t push too hard, but you do need to push back.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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