DEAR NATALIE: My sister has been a single mom for a long time and her previous husband was in jail. He is out of prison now but is not in my sister’s or my niece’s life. My sister has a track record of dating men that are not kind or supportive. She has a new boyfriend of six months. He is very wealthy and I think my sister has stars in her eyes because we never had any money as kids. She has been acting like a puppy dog ever since they got together. I have seen some major red flags with this guy. He is very controlling. I don’t like how he talks to my niece, either. But it is clear that my sister is smitten and is already talking about marriage. We have had a tumultuous relationship over the years, so I am hesitant to bring up my reservations about him. Do you think I should tell her that I am concerned for her? My husband says to let it be, but I don’t want her to get hurt. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, and she deserves better. Any ideas on how to talk with her without starting a war? – DIFFICULT SISTER
DEAR DIFFICULT SISTER: Do you want peace or do you want to be right? Unfortunately, with many relationships – and especially with family – sharing what you really think can land you in hot water. If this guy is displaying controlling behavior, and it is concerning to you, you may want to tread very lightly. Because she is smitten, she will most likely not be receptive to whatever it is you are about to tell her. Give it space. Take mental notes of what you see and hear. Check in with your niece and just ask her what she thinks of this new boyfriend. Be methodical in your approach. If your sister comes to you at any point with her concerns, be supportive, but don’t bad-mouth him. If they do stay together, this will only deepen the wedge between you. Instead, wait it out. He may not stick around and then the issue will resolve itself. If he is sticking around, make it a point to come around and come around often. Show him that she has support in her life and that you are there for her, no matter what. Good luck!
DEAR NATALIE: I love my wife but she has a horrible temper. Like – flip a table, throw a drink, charge at you when she’s enraged – kind of temper. She never directs it at me, but she has directed it at other people in our family and circle of friends. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just says she’s a “hot-blooded Italian.” Her dad was the same way. I don’t think being “hot-blooded” gives you the right to verbally eviscerate someone or come at them physically. It really got out of hand at my daughter’s birthday party last weekend where my wife got into it with the caterer. I thought they were going to call the cops. My wife was escorted out of her own daughter’s party. I am not sure how to handle this anymore. My daughter is embarrassed to go out with her and I worry about her seeing this behavior and thinking this is how you handle conflict. What can I do without setting off my wife? We can’t live like this. – PLEASE COOL OFF
DEAR PLEASE COOL OFF: I am so sorry you and your daughter are stuck in such an abusive cycle with your wife. Even though she isn’t directing her rage toward you (yet), she is clearly impacting everyone around her. The only thing you can do is try and communicate your concern for the situation. When you talk to her, center how it is making your family feel and how it is potentially impacting your daughter. Being “hot-blooded” is not an excuse for flying into blind rages and causing such commotion that she gets removed from public gatherings. This is not normal and I don’t want you to be gaslit. Sit down and talk about it as a family. She needs to work with someone on anger management skills and more constructive coping mechanisms to handle her emotions in a way that isn’t harmful to you or your daughter. She learned this behavior from the environment she grew up in. Does she really want to pass this along to the next generation? I doubt it. Come from a place of concern and love. Don’t push too hard, but you do need to push back.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.
Follow her on Twitter
@NatalieBenci
Check out her weekly shows
“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on
Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga