DEAR NATALIE: You are often open-minded in your approach to these questions so while I am nervous to write this, I hope that asking for help may help other people in a similar position. For the past couple of years I was dating a man who was really wonderful at first – we fell in love quickly but I missed a couple of major red flags. Some of my friends saw them, but you know how that goes. I just thought they didn’t understand me or him or our relationship. Long story short, over the course of our relationship, he got deeper and deeper into QAnon conspiracies and culture, and I followed him there. I didn’t agree with a lot of the things he said and did, but I never had the courage or desire to stand up to him. Some other things I did genuinely believe, but I think the brainwashing is starting to wear off. We have since broken up which has helped me find a lot of clarity. I know there are support groups for people like me, but what I’m really having a hard time with is the fact that I lost a lot of good friends because of my beliefs. Is there a way to get them back? –Q-ANO MORE

DEAR –Q-ANO MORE: Lead with an apology if you want any chance of gaining friends back. Don’t just send a text message that says “sorry,” either. You need to look them in the eye and share with them what you just bravely shared with me. Cults can be incredibly difficult to let go of or walk away from. There is a lot of pain and shame associated with what you went through. Before you decide to attempt to mend fences with others in your life, you first need to forgive yourself and heal. Get to the root of why you walked that path with your ex for so long. Find out what the causes were, so that you won’t repeat patterns of abuse. I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in this area. I am proud of you for acknowledging where you are and where you want to be. You are taking back your power and that is a great thing. But, it may take time for your friends to trust you again. Be patient, tread lightly and lead with compassion both for others in your life and for yourself, as well. Good luck. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am polyamorous and bisexual. I’m currently not partnered, and dating a man who is married. He told me that his wife was totally fine with our relationship and that they were non-monogamous. I believed him. That was the first mistake. Recently, we were out together having lunch and she rushed into the space and started screaming horrible things at me. Apparently, she had hired a private detective who was following me. I didn’t even know! It turned into this whole thing and now she is divorcing him. He won’t stop calling me. He wants to be with me and I want nothing to do with him. I would have never engaged in this relationship had I known. I’m also now afraid to date anyone in a relationship for fear that they are lying to me. What can I do in the future to make sure this doesn’t happen again? –JUST BE HONEST 

DEAR JUST BE HONEST: If you plan on dating someone who is in a marriage or long-term partnership, you may have to pump the brakes romantically until you meet their partner from now on. Communication in any relationship is key, but when more than one romantic partner is involved, it becomes even more important than ever that everyone is on the same page. I agree that you shouldn’t speak to your ex. The fact is, he lied to both you and his wife, which only means he will lie again. Why put yourself or any of his other potential partners through that? Perhaps date single people for a bit until you work out how you will approach someone else with multiple partners in the future. If you bring up meeting the partner and your love interest balks at that or makes up excuses as to why that can’t happen, take that as a sign that they aren’t being as honest as they want to appear. As a reminder, people are polyamorous because it is a relationship orientation that they genuinely commit to, and have ethics and values around – not so they can cheat on their partners, manipulate others, and remain uncommunicative. Not all others may be on this wavelength, but you can trust your own intentions. Protect yourself and keep your guard up until your potential partners prove that they are being honest and transparent with everyone involved, as they should be.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: One of my best friends lost her mother recently and she’s been having a very difficult time navigating her grief. She breaks down and cries whenever we are together and hasn’t been interested in doing anything fun. I hate to be “that person” but it is really hard to be around someone who is so depressed. I shared with her the names of a few therapists that I thought could help, and she was really insulted. She said to me, “I don’t need a therapist. I need a friend.” But I can’t be that friend every time we are together. It has been a few months and it’s just all she talks about. How do I help her without getting sucked into the negativity spiral? –SAD FRIEND SITUATION

DEAR SAD FRIEND SITUATION: People have to come to terms with how they process their grief in their own way. Currently, she may be too close to the situation for therapy to be of use to her. In a year, she may feel differently. In the meantime, she does need a friend. But maybe navigating grief isn’t your strength. You may ask yourself what makes a good friend. Is it someone who is there through the hard times? Is it someone who can shed new perspective and be a voice for reason or support when needed? A good listener? All of these things are so important to have when someone is in the throes of grief. Find ways to help her navigate these waters and also set boundaries so that you don’t feel overwhelmed yourself. As hard as it is to be there for her right now, think of how hard it is to be her. Lean into that empathy and work on doing what you can. One day, she'll turn to you for fun again.

DEAR NATALIE: My partner moved in with me after we had been dating for a couple of months in stereotypical “U-Haul lesbian” fashion. We live together very well and our sex life is about the same as it was before sharing a living space. But it’s hard for me to feel like I get enough alone time – when I come home from work I need some time to decompress alone. While she totally gets that and is willing to give me space, our one bedroom apartment can only do so much. And honestly, sometimes I do want to sleep in a bed by myself. We both think that having separate space is important. Having separate rooms in the same apartment is a goal we’re working towards, but moving into a two bedroom apartment isn’t in the budget right now. How can we share space more graciously until our financial situation changes? –NEED TO STRETCH OUT

DEAR NEED TO STRETCH OUT: What I love about this is how honest and transparent you both are with your communication around this topic. Instead of letting something like this fester and build resentment, you are just sharing what your needs are and working towards a resolution. While you may not be able to have all the space you need or want right now, there are solutions here. For instance, do either of you have family near by? Is there a way that once a month she can spend a night with her family and then you can have the apartment to yourself? And then vice versa? Or, can you plan quarterly stay-cations and get a hotel room with separate beds so you can stretch out? On a smaller daily level, is there a way to set up a schedule where you have time alone in the bed once a week, perhaps for a few hours so that you can nap or relax for a while alone? Small spaces can create challenges, but they can also be great tests to see how much you are willing to compromise and share, too. If you can survive, and even thrive together in the one bedroom, one bath, then that is very telling for the future of your relationship. Work on a schedule as a couple, find alone time when you can, but relish in your togetherness, too. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My sister is in an abusive marriage with a man who is an alcoholic — he is both emotionally and financially abusive and I want her to leave him. They have a child together. I offered my home for her to stay in until she gets on her feet. She wants to do it, but we were raised in a very religious home. My parents want her to “stick it out” and “honor her vows” to her husband. I am horrified that they wouldn’t want to save her from this terrible nightmare she is in, especially when they are very financially comfortable and could easily help her get a new place to stay. My sister is waffling about leaving because she doesn’t want to disappoint them. How can I convince her to leave him knowing that my parents may very well cut her out of their lives if she does? I’m truly worried for her safety and sanity. Any ideas on what to do? – UNSAFE AT HOME

DEAR UNSAFE AT HOME: The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving. Whatever your sister decides to do, it is important to create a plan. This way, she’ll have tools and resources set up if she does decide to move in with you and accept this help. Contact your local shelters to see who focuses on domestic and intimate partner violence and connect her to those spaces. Even if she stays for a while longer, having contacts there can help her with her emotional well-being until she decides to leave. Encourage her to participate in support groups specifically for family members of alcoholics. I am so sorry to hear that your parents are choosing religious dogma over their own child’s safety and well-being. This is even more of a reason to find ways to support her, because if she does leave and your parents cut her out of their lives, there will be even more layers of trauma to deal with. How close are you to your parents? Is there any way to talk with them about this situation in a way that they could understand? While it would be great to get their support, please don’t let that stop you from helping her however you are able. Providing a safe place for her and her child is incredibly generous and loving. I hope she takes you up on it. 

DEAR NATALIE: My sister’s adult child, Noah, has recently come out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. They have always dated women and we have all been very accepting of their gender and sexuality. I know that their generation struggles with being misunderstood by my generation. I am slowly but surely getting used to the grammatical change, and doing my best not to misgender them – which is a new term to me as well. My partner, however, is much less considerate around this new development in our family. My partner is unwilling to learn about these expansive gender roles even though Noah has kindly educated us about them. But my partner doesn’t even seem to try, which upsets them.  I don’t want Noah to think poorly of us because we’re old folks that can’t get with the program. I slip up sometimes, too, but I think my partner is intentional about misgendering them. I’m not sure how to reach my partner on this issue and help them understand that this is a family issue. We love Noah and I don’t want there to be distance between us because of this. Any idea why my partner is acting this way and how to get it to stop? – FRUSTRATED WIFE

DEAR FRUSTRATED WIFE: This has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with your partner refusing to recognize the full humanity of a family member. It’s not that hard to acknowledge someone’s existence. Why is your partner uncomfortable with someone else’s gender? It doesn’t impact their life. This isn’t Noah’s problem to fix. Acknowledging someone’s preferred pronouns is a simple request that can make everyone feel more connected and valued. I would suggest your partner read different online resources on this topic. The reality is that there is someone right in front of them who they love, asking to be seen. I just wish that was enough. Maybe in time they will come around, but if Noah doesn't want to be around them if they can’t acknowledge their humanity, can you blame them? A few outings without your partner may wake them up to the fact that family is much more important than holding on to outdated ideas that don’t serve anyone.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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