DEAR NATALIE: My sister is in an abusive marriage with a man who is an alcoholic — he is both emotionally and financially abusive and I want her to leave him. They have a child together. I offered my home for her to stay in until she gets on her feet. She wants to do it, but we were raised in a very religious home. My parents want her to “stick it out” and “honor her vows” to her husband. I am horrified that they wouldn’t want to save her from this terrible nightmare she is in, especially when they are very financially comfortable and could easily help her get a new place to stay. My sister is waffling about leaving because she doesn’t want to disappoint them. How can I convince her to leave him knowing that my parents may very well cut her out of their lives if she does? I’m truly worried for her safety and sanity. Any ideas on what to do? – UNSAFE AT HOME

DEAR UNSAFE AT HOME: The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving. Whatever your sister decides to do, it is important to create a plan. This way, she’ll have tools and resources set up if she does decide to move in with you and accept this help. Contact your local shelters to see who focuses on domestic and intimate partner violence and connect her to those spaces. Even if she stays for a while longer, having contacts there can help her with her emotional well-being until she decides to leave. Encourage her to participate in support groups specifically for family members of alcoholics. I am so sorry to hear that your parents are choosing religious dogma over their own child’s safety and well-being. This is even more of a reason to find ways to support her, because if she does leave and your parents cut her out of their lives, there will be even more layers of trauma to deal with. How close are you to your parents? Is there any way to talk with them about this situation in a way that they could understand? While it would be great to get their support, please don’t let that stop you from helping her however you are able. Providing a safe place for her and her child is incredibly generous and loving. I hope she takes you up on it. 

DEAR NATALIE: My sister’s adult child, Noah, has recently come out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. They have always dated women and we have all been very accepting of their gender and sexuality. I know that their generation struggles with being misunderstood by my generation. I am slowly but surely getting used to the grammatical change, and doing my best not to misgender them – which is a new term to me as well. My partner, however, is much less considerate around this new development in our family. My partner is unwilling to learn about these expansive gender roles even though Noah has kindly educated us about them. But my partner doesn’t even seem to try, which upsets them.  I don’t want Noah to think poorly of us because we’re old folks that can’t get with the program. I slip up sometimes, too, but I think my partner is intentional about misgendering them. I’m not sure how to reach my partner on this issue and help them understand that this is a family issue. We love Noah and I don’t want there to be distance between us because of this. Any idea why my partner is acting this way and how to get it to stop? – FRUSTRATED WIFE

DEAR FRUSTRATED WIFE: This has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with your partner refusing to recognize the full humanity of a family member. It’s not that hard to acknowledge someone’s existence. Why is your partner uncomfortable with someone else’s gender? It doesn’t impact their life. This isn’t Noah’s problem to fix. Acknowledging someone’s preferred pronouns is a simple request that can make everyone feel more connected and valued. I would suggest your partner read different online resources on this topic. The reality is that there is someone right in front of them who they love, asking to be seen. I just wish that was enough. Maybe in time they will come around, but if Noah doesn't want to be around them if they can’t acknowledge their humanity, can you blame them? A few outings without your partner may wake them up to the fact that family is much more important than holding on to outdated ideas that don’t serve anyone.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My son has a friend, Devon, whose parents are very open about being gun owners. Total aside – my husband also has a firearm that we keep safely locked away in our bedroom and our kids don’t know it is in the home. Devon has told my son that they have an “arsenal” of assault rifles in their shed on their property. His older brothers go shooting often and they want my son to come along. My son is 12 years old. Devon is 11 years old. I do not – under any circumstance – want my child touching any kind of gun at this age. My husband vehemently agrees. There are just too many variables and concerns that I have, especially considering the level of gun violence our kids are experiencing every day. I also want to add that Devon is not a “bad” kid. He often hangs out at our home and we feed him dinner (and I sneak him snacks to take home) several times a week. My kids get along with him, and I think we are a safe place for him to be. I already told my son he can’t go over to Devon’s because of the guns but that Devon is always welcome at our home. My son understands and I think felt relieved. Well, this got back to his mother and she called me to tell me that Devon is not allowed at my home anymore because she thinks “we think we are better than her.” I’m not sure how to handle this. My son is upset because he really likes Devon, and Devon is upset because he feels comfortable here and wants to continue to hang out at our home. Is there a way to address this issue with his parents without causing a major problem? – TRIGGERED 

DEAR TRIGGERED: It sounds as though this mother’s ego has gotten in the way of her son having a good friend and family to watch out for him. It takes a village and having a community of people you can lean on – especially if you feel a little disconnected from your immediate family – can help in so many ways. You feed him, you provide a safe place for him, you provide positive social interactions for him and a sense of belonging. His mom should be thrilled that he found such a great friend. The person that suffers here is Devon. When I was a social worker, I remember working with a family who also had an “arsenal” of assault rifles and other weapons lining the walls in their home. One particular child who I worked with told me that they slept under their bed every night because all of the guns scared them and they were afraid of being shot in their sleep. This child was 14 years old. No child should have to feel this afraid to go to sleep each night. No child should feel unsafe in their own home. I encourage you to reach out to Devon’s mom. Be very kind and conciliatory on the phone. Reiterate to her that while you have differing viewpoints about gun ownership, you never intended to make her feel bad. Apologize for any miscommunication. Let her know how great of a kid you think Devon is, and that’s because he has a great mom. This may soften her a bit. My gram always said that you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. 

DEAR NATALIE: I live in Pittsburgh, PA about 50 miles away from the horrific disaster that occurred early in February when a train derailed in East Palestine, OH. I have a few friends who live in rural areas on the East Coast that live a very “back to the land” or homesteading type of lifestyle. They’re very conscious about the food they eat and products they use. I have not given this much thought. I know that buying organic produce is better than conventional, but to be honest, I don’t really make things like that a priority. Lately they’ve been on my case about buying a water filter and considering moving to an area that’s less polluted. They know I can’t just up and move. I have been thinking about relocating for some time – not related to issues of pollution. It’s hard to undo some of the knowledge they have given me about the dangers of the area I live in, that have existed long before the derailment and will continue long after. I’m afraid of raising kids in an area with poor air quality and lead in the water. I recently saw a TikTok about how daycare in France has high standards for providing kids with healthy food and I’m just feeling very distressed about my place in this country and the conditions we all live in, without thinking about what’s being done to us. What should I do? – OVERWHELMED

DEAR OVERWHELMED: It’s always easy to stand on the outside and tell people what to do, where to live or how to be. But it’s your life, your community and I’m sure you have your reasons for staying. Maybe financially you can’t afford to, or maybe you’ve created a community or have family ties and want to strengthen them. Some people would choose to stay because they want to make their hometown a better place. If homesteading works for your friends, then that’s great. Not everyone is cut out for such a life or would want to have that life. Does that mean we all don’t deserve clean air and water? Of course not. I hope your friends are also politically active and participate by voting for representatives that are focused on environmental justice, as well. It will take a lot more than individual actions to reduce the impact of climate change and unfettered corporatism that leads to an environmental catastrophe like the one in East Palestine. It can be difficult to feel motivated when you are constantly bombarded with the 24-hour negative news cycle. I suggest you get activated in your community. What are things that you can do as an individual – like getting that water filter – to improve your quality of life? What organizations can you join locally that are focused on environmental action? We all breathe the air. We all drink the water. This is not an “us versus them” issue. Whatever you can do that takes you out of a headspace of hopelessness and turns it into a state of hope – do that. And go visit your friends if you can. A new perspective could help you come home full of great ideas to use right in your own backyard. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.

DEAR NATALIE: I am a young mom and just had my first child. I know how incredibly privileged I am to stay home and spend time with my baby while my partner works. After a number of months, I will reconsider what going back to my work can look like. I’m thrilled to be a mother, but I’m worried that I will lose a sense of the identity that I connected with through my creative job. I’m uncomfortable with my partner being seen as the breadwinner, even though I know that my role in our family and to society is equally as important and necessary. How can I stay connected to the outside world of the arts and culture while having a new full-time gig raising my kiddo? – BALANCING ACT 

DEAR BALANCING ACT: Whatever choice you have decided to make as it pertains to your family is a private choice and does not need to be explained or defended. Unfortunately, everyone will have an opinion… which is odd because the father is rarely met with the same questioning. Recently, I read that after birth there is a phrase called the “father bonus” and the “mother penalty.” Men tend to make more money after they become fathers and women tend to make less. Considering the lack of social safety nets in our communities, like a lack of affordable and accessible child care, paid leave and universal health care, as well as a crumbling public education system; it is no wonder more women feel as though they can’t work after having a baby, or have to juggle stressful situations post-baby if they don’t have adequate paid maternity leave. These are all policy choices that we can – and must – change. While you may be uncomfortable seeing your partner as the breadwinner, perhaps it may be the best option for a while. Even going back to work part-time can cost more than it is worth from the paycheck because of the expense of child care. If you want to stay active, however, what about joining a board or two that focuses on the arts or community engagement? You may make some new connections and then when you feel as though you are ready and able to return to the workforce, having networked along the way could set you up for success. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve recently lost some weight, as I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and managing other changes in my life. I have always been curvy, which some people might say is overweight. As I’ve grown older I have started to truly love my body, regardless of what society thinks. Losing weight does not feel good for me and the comments I receive at the office make that even worse. I do not want to be praised for this weight loss, not only because it is attached to deep grief, but because there was nothing wrong with me before I lost weight. Due to unrelated circumstances, my work bestie has started to gain weight, which she doesn’t feel as positively about. People have started talking about our bodies in the same conversation. We’re both on the same page about wanting the comments about bodies in any capacity to stop, but our coworkers think they’re being well-intentioned when they’re complimenting me or making exercise suggestions to her, or comparing her body to mine. It’s completely inappropriate. Mostly, I’m bothered that I’m being congratulated for a change that I don’t believe is an inherently good one. How can I talk to them about this? – JUST LET US BE 

DEAR JUST LET US BE: I recognize that people think they are being complimentary whenever they comment on your body in a way that they think is positive. When they say, “You’ve lost weight,” they are really calling attention to their own internalized fatphobia that has been ingrained in all of us for decades. It can be frustrating to hear, but think of how difficult it must be to still have those negative thoughts playing in their own minds all day long. I have learned to find other ways to compliment people. I like to say things like, “You always know how to cheer me up,” or “You are so much fun to be with,” as options so that I am less fixated on others' appearance and subsequently my own. We are all works in progress, so give everyone – including yourselves – space and grace around these issues. If it upsets you, you are allowed to say something gently in a way that calls them into the conversation instead of calling them out. Most likely it is just a reflex on their part. If someone says, “Have you lost weight? Or “You look so good now that you’ve lost weight,” you can say something like: “I appreciate you taking an interest in me, but I don’t want to bring attention to my weight, whether I have gained or lost it. I hope you can respect that by refraining from commenting about my body.” Some people may be taken aback. Some people may become offended. But you are allowed to speak how you feel and let the chips fall where you may. And who knows? Maybe one person will think about what you said and change how they approach people in the future.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.