DEAR NATALIE: My sister is in an abusive marriage with a man who is an alcoholic — he is both emotionally and financially abusive and I want her to leave him. They have a child together. I offered my home for her to stay in until she gets on her feet. She wants to do it, but we were raised in a very religious home. My parents want her to “stick it out” and “honor her vows” to her husband. I am horrified that they wouldn’t want to save her from this terrible nightmare she is in, especially when they are very financially comfortable and could easily help her get a new place to stay. My sister is waffling about leaving because she doesn’t want to disappoint them. How can I convince her to leave him knowing that my parents may very well cut her out of their lives if she does? I’m truly worried for her safety and sanity. Any ideas on what to do? – UNSAFE AT HOME
DEAR UNSAFE AT HOME: The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they are leaving. Whatever your sister decides to do, it is important to create a plan. This way, she’ll have tools and resources set up if she does decide to move in with you and accept this help. Contact your local shelters to see who focuses on domestic and intimate partner violence and connect her to those spaces. Even if she stays for a while longer, having contacts there can help her with her emotional well-being until she decides to leave. Encourage her to participate in support groups specifically for family members of alcoholics. I am so sorry to hear that your parents are choosing religious dogma over their own child’s safety and well-being. This is even more of a reason to find ways to support her, because if she does leave and your parents cut her out of their lives, there will be even more layers of trauma to deal with. How close are you to your parents? Is there any way to talk with them about this situation in a way that they could understand? While it would be great to get their support, please don’t let that stop you from helping her however you are able. Providing a safe place for her and her child is incredibly generous and loving. I hope she takes you up on it.
DEAR NATALIE: My sister’s adult child, Noah, has recently come out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. They have always dated women and we have all been very accepting of their gender and sexuality. I know that their generation struggles with being misunderstood by my generation. I am slowly but surely getting used to the grammatical change, and doing my best not to misgender them – which is a new term to me as well. My partner, however, is much less considerate around this new development in our family. My partner is unwilling to learn about these expansive gender roles even though Noah has kindly educated us about them. But my partner doesn’t even seem to try, which upsets them. I don’t want Noah to think poorly of us because we’re old folks that can’t get with the program. I slip up sometimes, too, but I think my partner is intentional about misgendering them. I’m not sure how to reach my partner on this issue and help them understand that this is a family issue. We love Noah and I don’t want there to be distance between us because of this. Any idea why my partner is acting this way and how to get it to stop? – FRUSTRATED WIFE
DEAR FRUSTRATED WIFE: This has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with your partner refusing to recognize the full humanity of a family member. It’s not that hard to acknowledge someone’s existence. Why is your partner uncomfortable with someone else’s gender? It doesn’t impact their life. This isn’t Noah’s problem to fix. Acknowledging someone’s preferred pronouns is a simple request that can make everyone feel more connected and valued. I would suggest your partner read different online resources on this topic. The reality is that there is someone right in front of them who they love, asking to be seen. I just wish that was enough. Maybe in time they will come around, but if Noah doesn't want to be around them if they can’t acknowledge their humanity, can you blame them? A few outings without your partner may wake them up to the fact that family is much more important than holding on to outdated ideas that don’t serve anyone.
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