DEAR NATALIE: My son has a friend, Devon, whose parents are very open about being gun owners. Total aside – my husband also has a firearm that we keep safely locked away in our bedroom and our kids don’t know it is in the home. Devon has told my son that they have an “arsenal” of assault rifles in their shed on their property. His older brothers go shooting often and they want my son to come along. My son is 12 years old. Devon is 11 years old. I do not – under any circumstance – want my child touching any kind of gun at this age. My husband vehemently agrees. There are just too many variables and concerns that I have, especially considering the level of gun violence our kids are experiencing every day. I also want to add that Devon is not a “bad” kid. He often hangs out at our home and we feed him dinner (and I sneak him snacks to take home) several times a week. My kids get along with him, and I think we are a safe place for him to be. I already told my son he can’t go over to Devon’s because of the guns but that Devon is always welcome at our home. My son understands and I think felt relieved. Well, this got back to his mother and she called me to tell me that Devon is not allowed at my home anymore because she thinks “we think we are better than her.” I’m not sure how to handle this. My son is upset because he really likes Devon, and Devon is upset because he feels comfortable here and wants to continue to hang out at our home. Is there a way to address this issue with his parents without causing a major problem? – TRIGGERED 

DEAR TRIGGERED: It sounds as though this mother’s ego has gotten in the way of her son having a good friend and family to watch out for him. It takes a village and having a community of people you can lean on – especially if you feel a little disconnected from your immediate family – can help in so many ways. You feed him, you provide a safe place for him, you provide positive social interactions for him and a sense of belonging. His mom should be thrilled that he found such a great friend. The person that suffers here is Devon. When I was a social worker, I remember working with a family who also had an “arsenal” of assault rifles and other weapons lining the walls in their home. One particular child who I worked with told me that they slept under their bed every night because all of the guns scared them and they were afraid of being shot in their sleep. This child was 14 years old. No child should have to feel this afraid to go to sleep each night. No child should feel unsafe in their own home. I encourage you to reach out to Devon’s mom. Be very kind and conciliatory on the phone. Reiterate to her that while you have differing viewpoints about gun ownership, you never intended to make her feel bad. Apologize for any miscommunication. Let her know how great of a kid you think Devon is, and that’s because he has a great mom. This may soften her a bit. My gram always said that you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. 

DEAR NATALIE: I live in Pittsburgh, PA about 50 miles away from the horrific disaster that occurred early in February when a train derailed in East Palestine, OH. I have a few friends who live in rural areas on the East Coast that live a very “back to the land” or homesteading type of lifestyle. They’re very conscious about the food they eat and products they use. I have not given this much thought. I know that buying organic produce is better than conventional, but to be honest, I don’t really make things like that a priority. Lately they’ve been on my case about buying a water filter and considering moving to an area that’s less polluted. They know I can’t just up and move. I have been thinking about relocating for some time – not related to issues of pollution. It’s hard to undo some of the knowledge they have given me about the dangers of the area I live in, that have existed long before the derailment and will continue long after. I’m afraid of raising kids in an area with poor air quality and lead in the water. I recently saw a TikTok about how daycare in France has high standards for providing kids with healthy food and I’m just feeling very distressed about my place in this country and the conditions we all live in, without thinking about what’s being done to us. What should I do? – OVERWHELMED

DEAR OVERWHELMED: It’s always easy to stand on the outside and tell people what to do, where to live or how to be. But it’s your life, your community and I’m sure you have your reasons for staying. Maybe financially you can’t afford to, or maybe you’ve created a community or have family ties and want to strengthen them. Some people would choose to stay because they want to make their hometown a better place. If homesteading works for your friends, then that’s great. Not everyone is cut out for such a life or would want to have that life. Does that mean we all don’t deserve clean air and water? Of course not. I hope your friends are also politically active and participate by voting for representatives that are focused on environmental justice, as well. It will take a lot more than individual actions to reduce the impact of climate change and unfettered corporatism that leads to an environmental catastrophe like the one in East Palestine. It can be difficult to feel motivated when you are constantly bombarded with the 24-hour negative news cycle. I suggest you get activated in your community. What are things that you can do as an individual – like getting that water filter – to improve your quality of life? What organizations can you join locally that are focused on environmental action? We all breathe the air. We all drink the water. This is not an “us versus them” issue. Whatever you can do that takes you out of a headspace of hopelessness and turns it into a state of hope – do that. And go visit your friends if you can. A new perspective could help you come home full of great ideas to use right in your own backyard. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.

DEAR NATALIE: I am a young mom and just had my first child. I know how incredibly privileged I am to stay home and spend time with my baby while my partner works. After a number of months, I will reconsider what going back to my work can look like. I’m thrilled to be a mother, but I’m worried that I will lose a sense of the identity that I connected with through my creative job. I’m uncomfortable with my partner being seen as the breadwinner, even though I know that my role in our family and to society is equally as important and necessary. How can I stay connected to the outside world of the arts and culture while having a new full-time gig raising my kiddo? – BALANCING ACT 

DEAR BALANCING ACT: Whatever choice you have decided to make as it pertains to your family is a private choice and does not need to be explained or defended. Unfortunately, everyone will have an opinion… which is odd because the father is rarely met with the same questioning. Recently, I read that after birth there is a phrase called the “father bonus” and the “mother penalty.” Men tend to make more money after they become fathers and women tend to make less. Considering the lack of social safety nets in our communities, like a lack of affordable and accessible child care, paid leave and universal health care, as well as a crumbling public education system; it is no wonder more women feel as though they can’t work after having a baby, or have to juggle stressful situations post-baby if they don’t have adequate paid maternity leave. These are all policy choices that we can – and must – change. While you may be uncomfortable seeing your partner as the breadwinner, perhaps it may be the best option for a while. Even going back to work part-time can cost more than it is worth from the paycheck because of the expense of child care. If you want to stay active, however, what about joining a board or two that focuses on the arts or community engagement? You may make some new connections and then when you feel as though you are ready and able to return to the workforce, having networked along the way could set you up for success. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve recently lost some weight, as I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and managing other changes in my life. I have always been curvy, which some people might say is overweight. As I’ve grown older I have started to truly love my body, regardless of what society thinks. Losing weight does not feel good for me and the comments I receive at the office make that even worse. I do not want to be praised for this weight loss, not only because it is attached to deep grief, but because there was nothing wrong with me before I lost weight. Due to unrelated circumstances, my work bestie has started to gain weight, which she doesn’t feel as positively about. People have started talking about our bodies in the same conversation. We’re both on the same page about wanting the comments about bodies in any capacity to stop, but our coworkers think they’re being well-intentioned when they’re complimenting me or making exercise suggestions to her, or comparing her body to mine. It’s completely inappropriate. Mostly, I’m bothered that I’m being congratulated for a change that I don’t believe is an inherently good one. How can I talk to them about this? – JUST LET US BE 

DEAR JUST LET US BE: I recognize that people think they are being complimentary whenever they comment on your body in a way that they think is positive. When they say, “You’ve lost weight,” they are really calling attention to their own internalized fatphobia that has been ingrained in all of us for decades. It can be frustrating to hear, but think of how difficult it must be to still have those negative thoughts playing in their own minds all day long. I have learned to find other ways to compliment people. I like to say things like, “You always know how to cheer me up,” or “You are so much fun to be with,” as options so that I am less fixated on others' appearance and subsequently my own. We are all works in progress, so give everyone – including yourselves – space and grace around these issues. If it upsets you, you are allowed to say something gently in a way that calls them into the conversation instead of calling them out. Most likely it is just a reflex on their part. If someone says, “Have you lost weight? Or “You look so good now that you’ve lost weight,” you can say something like: “I appreciate you taking an interest in me, but I don’t want to bring attention to my weight, whether I have gained or lost it. I hope you can respect that by refraining from commenting about my body.” Some people may be taken aback. Some people may become offended. But you are allowed to speak how you feel and let the chips fall where you may. And who knows? Maybe one person will think about what you said and change how they approach people in the future.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.

DEAR NATALIE: My partner and I have been together for about a year. He is polyamorous and I am not. He and I have talked about what that means for our relationship, and while I don’t mind him having other sexual partners, the agreement is that these partners are single encounters. There are no dates. This is just sex. He needs to be discreet about it and they have to use protection (obviously). He agreed and this worked for several months. He wants to marry me. I love him and would love to be married, but I am not sure that I can handle this arrangement long-term. He told me that he could “cut back” on his dalliances, but doesn’t want to give them up. I explained that if we were to marry, to really build a life and have children together, we would have to both make sacrifices. Right now, I feel like I put up with his philandering and he doesn’t have to make any changes in behavior. He called me out, saying that I am going back on our “agreement” but the reality is, aren’t I allowed to change my mind? I don’t want to end things. He is the love of my life and I know I am the love of his life, but what about what I want? Any insights are valued. Am I being unreasonable? –NO MORE SHENANIGANS

DEAR NO MORE SHENANIGANS: Recently on my Instagram account, I made a Reel that focused on what love is. What does love mean to you? To me, it means thinking “we not me.” Love is a verb. Love is an ongoing set of actions. It implies a sense of sacrifice and compromise. If we want to be in a healthy relationship, we must take the other person’s feelings into account, and we should want them to be content. Your partner has shown that he is not willing to sacrifice or compromise. “Cutting back” on his dalliances – what does that even mean? Is he keeping score of sleeping with X amount of people every month, and decreasing the number to appease you? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are keeping score? You are allowed to change your mind as the relationship evolves and progresses with time. If you are not comfortable with being in a non-monogamous marriage, that is OK. It does not mean that you are a bad person for wanting that kind of commitment. If he is unable to meet you there, then this may mean the end of the road. Being in love isn’t enough for a sustainable relationship. You have to have the same vision of the future. If you don’t, it just means that your love story was a chapter, and not the book. Make peace with what you need, share it with him and see what happens. If you need a mediator to discuss this, there are plenty of sex therapists who work with people in non-traditional relationships. Share what’s on your heart. Let him express what he needs and see where you land.  

DEAR NATALIE: My brother was recently diagnosed with a rare disease that will significantly impact his life, and will require a lot of logistical support and care from others, sooner than he expected to need that. Our parents are deceased, and our other brother is unable to move closer to us because he and his husband are caretakers to his parents. My niece is in the area and is ready to step up and be in a caretaking role for her father, but my nephew is hanging on to old resentments. He always felt that his sister got more emotional and financial support than he did, so he doesn’t think he should be the one to be in a supportive role now. I can help with some logistical things, but I don’t want to get overly involved in the dynamics between his kids. How can I mediate but keep my boundaries? –TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL

DEAR TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL: The reality is that if you involve yourself in the middle of this, it will be difficult to keep your boundaries with your brother and his kids. You will be sucked into the drama and someone will inevitably become angry with you. I recommend that you support your brother however you can from the sidelines and if your niece or nephew reaches out, listen with an open heart, and remind them that at the end of the day, you want what is best for them and for your brother. If your nephew needs space and feels resentful, he won’t make for a strong support system for your brother, anyway. I would encourage him to talk to his dad directly and see if he can patch things up or at least understand where his dad was coming from. He should also speak about what is on his heart and share how he felt neglected growing up, and how that's creating a block for him in their relationship now. I think it's great that your niece wants to be of support, but I would caution her against taking on too much, so that she doesn't become resentful, too. It isn’t fair that everything should fall on her shoulders, so perhaps working on some kind of schedule could help set boundaries and alleviate the inevitable stress of this situation. All of this takes transparent and honest communication. If this is overwhelming, see if your brother can connect with a social worker who can help. This isn’t your burden to carry alone, so don’t be afraid to get the support you need as you walk this road. Good luck to you. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.