DEAR NATALIE: I am a young mom and just had my first child. I know how incredibly privileged I am to stay home and spend time with my baby while my partner works. After a number of months, I will reconsider what going back to my work can look like. I’m thrilled to be a mother, but I’m worried that I will lose a sense of the identity that I connected with through my creative job. I’m uncomfortable with my partner being seen as the breadwinner, even though I know that my role in our family and to society is equally as important and necessary. How can I stay connected to the outside world of the arts and culture while having a new full-time gig raising my kiddo? – BALANCING ACT 

DEAR BALANCING ACT: Whatever choice you have decided to make as it pertains to your family is a private choice and does not need to be explained or defended. Unfortunately, everyone will have an opinion… which is odd because the father is rarely met with the same questioning. Recently, I read that after birth there is a phrase called the “father bonus” and the “mother penalty.” Men tend to make more money after they become fathers and women tend to make less. Considering the lack of social safety nets in our communities, like a lack of affordable and accessible child care, paid leave and universal health care, as well as a crumbling public education system; it is no wonder more women feel as though they can’t work after having a baby, or have to juggle stressful situations post-baby if they don’t have adequate paid maternity leave. These are all policy choices that we can – and must – change. While you may be uncomfortable seeing your partner as the breadwinner, perhaps it may be the best option for a while. Even going back to work part-time can cost more than it is worth from the paycheck because of the expense of child care. If you want to stay active, however, what about joining a board or two that focuses on the arts or community engagement? You may make some new connections and then when you feel as though you are ready and able to return to the workforce, having networked along the way could set you up for success. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve recently lost some weight, as I am grieving the loss of my grandmother and managing other changes in my life. I have always been curvy, which some people might say is overweight. As I’ve grown older I have started to truly love my body, regardless of what society thinks. Losing weight does not feel good for me and the comments I receive at the office make that even worse. I do not want to be praised for this weight loss, not only because it is attached to deep grief, but because there was nothing wrong with me before I lost weight. Due to unrelated circumstances, my work bestie has started to gain weight, which she doesn’t feel as positively about. People have started talking about our bodies in the same conversation. We’re both on the same page about wanting the comments about bodies in any capacity to stop, but our coworkers think they’re being well-intentioned when they’re complimenting me or making exercise suggestions to her, or comparing her body to mine. It’s completely inappropriate. Mostly, I’m bothered that I’m being congratulated for a change that I don’t believe is an inherently good one. How can I talk to them about this? – JUST LET US BE 

DEAR JUST LET US BE: I recognize that people think they are being complimentary whenever they comment on your body in a way that they think is positive. When they say, “You’ve lost weight,” they are really calling attention to their own internalized fatphobia that has been ingrained in all of us for decades. It can be frustrating to hear, but think of how difficult it must be to still have those negative thoughts playing in their own minds all day long. I have learned to find other ways to compliment people. I like to say things like, “You always know how to cheer me up,” or “You are so much fun to be with,” as options so that I am less fixated on others' appearance and subsequently my own. We are all works in progress, so give everyone – including yourselves – space and grace around these issues. If it upsets you, you are allowed to say something gently in a way that calls them into the conversation instead of calling them out. Most likely it is just a reflex on their part. If someone says, “Have you lost weight? Or “You look so good now that you’ve lost weight,” you can say something like: “I appreciate you taking an interest in me, but I don’t want to bring attention to my weight, whether I have gained or lost it. I hope you can respect that by refraining from commenting about my body.” Some people may be taken aback. Some people may become offended. But you are allowed to speak how you feel and let the chips fall where you may. And who knows? Maybe one person will think about what you said and change how they approach people in the future.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.

DEAR NATALIE: My partner and I have been together for about a year. He is polyamorous and I am not. He and I have talked about what that means for our relationship, and while I don’t mind him having other sexual partners, the agreement is that these partners are single encounters. There are no dates. This is just sex. He needs to be discreet about it and they have to use protection (obviously). He agreed and this worked for several months. He wants to marry me. I love him and would love to be married, but I am not sure that I can handle this arrangement long-term. He told me that he could “cut back” on his dalliances, but doesn’t want to give them up. I explained that if we were to marry, to really build a life and have children together, we would have to both make sacrifices. Right now, I feel like I put up with his philandering and he doesn’t have to make any changes in behavior. He called me out, saying that I am going back on our “agreement” but the reality is, aren’t I allowed to change my mind? I don’t want to end things. He is the love of my life and I know I am the love of his life, but what about what I want? Any insights are valued. Am I being unreasonable? –NO MORE SHENANIGANS

DEAR NO MORE SHENANIGANS: Recently on my Instagram account, I made a Reel that focused on what love is. What does love mean to you? To me, it means thinking “we not me.” Love is a verb. Love is an ongoing set of actions. It implies a sense of sacrifice and compromise. If we want to be in a healthy relationship, we must take the other person’s feelings into account, and we should want them to be content. Your partner has shown that he is not willing to sacrifice or compromise. “Cutting back” on his dalliances – what does that even mean? Is he keeping score of sleeping with X amount of people every month, and decreasing the number to appease you? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are keeping score? You are allowed to change your mind as the relationship evolves and progresses with time. If you are not comfortable with being in a non-monogamous marriage, that is OK. It does not mean that you are a bad person for wanting that kind of commitment. If he is unable to meet you there, then this may mean the end of the road. Being in love isn’t enough for a sustainable relationship. You have to have the same vision of the future. If you don’t, it just means that your love story was a chapter, and not the book. Make peace with what you need, share it with him and see what happens. If you need a mediator to discuss this, there are plenty of sex therapists who work with people in non-traditional relationships. Share what’s on your heart. Let him express what he needs and see where you land.  

DEAR NATALIE: My brother was recently diagnosed with a rare disease that will significantly impact his life, and will require a lot of logistical support and care from others, sooner than he expected to need that. Our parents are deceased, and our other brother is unable to move closer to us because he and his husband are caretakers to his parents. My niece is in the area and is ready to step up and be in a caretaking role for her father, but my nephew is hanging on to old resentments. He always felt that his sister got more emotional and financial support than he did, so he doesn’t think he should be the one to be in a supportive role now. I can help with some logistical things, but I don’t want to get overly involved in the dynamics between his kids. How can I mediate but keep my boundaries? –TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL

DEAR TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL: The reality is that if you involve yourself in the middle of this, it will be difficult to keep your boundaries with your brother and his kids. You will be sucked into the drama and someone will inevitably become angry with you. I recommend that you support your brother however you can from the sidelines and if your niece or nephew reaches out, listen with an open heart, and remind them that at the end of the day, you want what is best for them and for your brother. If your nephew needs space and feels resentful, he won’t make for a strong support system for your brother, anyway. I would encourage him to talk to his dad directly and see if he can patch things up or at least understand where his dad was coming from. He should also speak about what is on his heart and share how he felt neglected growing up, and how that's creating a block for him in their relationship now. I think it's great that your niece wants to be of support, but I would caution her against taking on too much, so that she doesn't become resentful, too. It isn’t fair that everything should fall on her shoulders, so perhaps working on some kind of schedule could help set boundaries and alleviate the inevitable stress of this situation. All of this takes transparent and honest communication. If this is overwhelming, see if your brother can connect with a social worker who can help. This isn’t your burden to carry alone, so don’t be afraid to get the support you need as you walk this road. Good luck to you. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.

DEAR NATALIE: I find myself needing some advice about an issue with someone who's been a friend of mine for 20 years. About two months ago, a friend called me to share a major issue happening in their life. My friend said people had been harassing them. They kept this in for about a year before sharing it with anyone — and the first person they chose to tell the full story to was me. I was incredibly ill-prepared for the news they shared and asked what I could do, encouraged them to file a police report, to seek a therapist, etc. I should note that my friend lives quite literally across the country from me (coast to coast). We used to try to see each other once a year, but life happens. We would try to have a phone call at least a few times a year. But, as is the case with a lot of friends, we use texting and social media to keep in touch. I'd consider us close but not “BFF”-type friends. We pick up like no time has gone by when we see each other but certainly have large gaps in communication. We have almost no strong mutual friends anymore. There was little for me to do in the moment of that phone call and my friend didn't seem to want to do anything I offered, but I did what I thought was my best to be empathetic, listen, and to encourage them to seek help. My friend told me I was the only person who now knew the full story. I felt awful that I couldn't do more, but I did not know what to do. And, at the same time, I had been dealing with a few major life changes and was at capacity for trying to handle this news — especially being so far away. I did not check in nearly enough as I think I should have in the two months as I had to focus on my life changes. But those check-ins seemed to be pointless. On my last check-in (a text asking how they were doing), I received a very short message saying they no longer wanted to talk with me and that they did not consider me a friend anymore. I replied saying that I was sad to hear that, that I care for them and that I will respect their decision. After that message, I found I was unfriended on Facebook and other social media apps. I'm sad at their response, and I am worried they are in worse shape than even I can understand. I also feel guilty for not doing more despite not knowing what to do. Am I in the wrong for not doing more? What should I do now? –SAD ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

DEAR SAD ABOUT FRIENDSHIP: I’m sorry to hear that your friend is going through something so troubling and traumatizing. I’m also sorry to hear that they have put up a wall between you and them. I wonder what it is thy wanted from you or what they needed that you didn’t give them? You live far away, and couldn’t do much else but just listen to them on the phone and provide whatever emotional support you could give them. While they may not have felt that you reached out enough, I hesitate to say this blame is entirely on you. We can’t be mind readers, even with our very closest friends – let alone ones that we see a few times a year. If they were feeling disconnected, it would have been better for them to share that so that you would have understood what the expectation was and could have adjusted accordingly. It’s sad that they have decided to cut you out of their life over this. They must feel very vulnerable and wounded right now and you were the safest person to take that frustration out on. If I were you, I would wait six months and then send them a card in the mail. Yes, the snail mail. Handwrite a note. They may feel differently in time and possibly open to reconnecting. If they don't respond, you accept it and move on. If they do reach out, remember what a hard space they were in mentally when they blocked you. They may not have been able to deal with all of the stress and needed space. Whatever the case, don’t beat yourself up about this. It can be hard when friends walk out – but you never did. Recognize that and take good care. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a musician that has toured locally for a couple of years and am signed to a small label. I am able to do freelance songwriting and music lessons to help pay the bills, and I’m really serious about taking my music career seriously. But the competition feels so harsh these days. I know that having an online presence is incredibly important and helps many people take it to the next level, but I want to be a musician – not a media personality or “pop star.” It feels like my creative energy is drained by the time I spend posting on social media. How can I live in my truth as an artist, and not be totally left behind by the fact that I’d sort of prefer to be a luddite? - NOT A LUDDITE (YET)

DEAR NOT A LUDDITE (YET): As someone who also works as a digital media strategy consultant, I have to tell you – you've gotta be on TikTok and Instagram. You are correct that having a presence is important, but it isn’t about gaining a million followers. It is about building a community. Translating viewers into people who will stream your music, buy your EP and come to your shows. Share with them why you love music. You don’t have to post every day. Pick two or three days a week and just record yourself rehearsing, practicing a new song, or playing a cover of a favorite artist. I recognize that social media is like a heavy weight on all of us and can be incredibly mentally draining. But try looking at it dispassionately — as a free marketing tool to make yourself visible. Creating space for conversation around your work can be incredibly beneficial to you in the long run. Set boundaries to protect your mental health and hold to them, but wiggle a little bit away from luddite and become more like a ludd-lite. Your future fans are waiting.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Instagram and TikTok

@NatalieBencivenga

Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at

NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast

streaming site.