DEAR NATALIE: My partner and I have been together for about a year. He is polyamorous and I am not. He and I have talked about what that means for our relationship, and while I don’t mind him having other sexual partners, the agreement is that these partners are single encounters. There are no dates. This is just sex. He needs to be discreet about it and they have to use protection (obviously). He agreed and this worked for several months. He wants to marry me. I love him and would love to be married, but I am not sure that I can handle this arrangement long-term. He told me that he could “cut back” on his dalliances, but doesn’t want to give them up. I explained that if we were to marry, to really build a life and have children together, we would have to both make sacrifices. Right now, I feel like I put up with his philandering and he doesn’t have to make any changes in behavior. He called me out, saying that I am going back on our “agreement” but the reality is, aren’t I allowed to change my mind? I don’t want to end things. He is the love of my life and I know I am the love of his life, but what about what I want? Any insights are valued. Am I being unreasonable? –NO MORE SHENANIGANS
DEAR NO MORE SHENANIGANS: Recently on my Instagram account, I made a Reel that focused on what love is. What does love mean to you? To me, it means thinking “we not me.” Love is a verb. Love is an ongoing set of actions. It implies a sense of sacrifice and compromise. If we want to be in a healthy relationship, we must take the other person’s feelings into account, and we should want them to be content. Your partner has shown that he is not willing to sacrifice or compromise. “Cutting back” on his dalliances – what does that even mean? Is he keeping score of sleeping with X amount of people every month, and decreasing the number to appease you? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are keeping score? You are allowed to change your mind as the relationship evolves and progresses with time. If you are not comfortable with being in a non-monogamous marriage, that is OK. It does not mean that you are a bad person for wanting that kind of commitment. If he is unable to meet you there, then this may mean the end of the road. Being in love isn’t enough for a sustainable relationship. You have to have the same vision of the future. If you don’t, it just means that your love story was a chapter, and not the book. Make peace with what you need, share it with him and see what happens. If you need a mediator to discuss this, there are plenty of sex therapists who work with people in non-traditional relationships. Share what’s on your heart. Let him express what he needs and see where you land.
DEAR NATALIE: My brother was recently diagnosed with a rare disease that will significantly impact his life, and will require a lot of logistical support and care from others, sooner than he expected to need that. Our parents are deceased, and our other brother is unable to move closer to us because he and his husband are caretakers to his parents. My niece is in the area and is ready to step up and be in a caretaking role for her father, but my nephew is hanging on to old resentments. He always felt that his sister got more emotional and financial support than he did, so he doesn’t think he should be the one to be in a supportive role now. I can help with some logistical things, but I don’t want to get overly involved in the dynamics between his kids. How can I mediate but keep my boundaries? –TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL
DEAR TRYING TO BE IMPARTIAL: The reality is that if you involve yourself in the middle of this, it will be difficult to keep your boundaries with your brother and his kids. You will be sucked into the drama and someone will inevitably become angry with you. I recommend that you support your brother however you can from the sidelines and if your niece or nephew reaches out, listen with an open heart, and remind them that at the end of the day, you want what is best for them and for your brother. If your nephew needs space and feels resentful, he won’t make for a strong support system for your brother, anyway. I would encourage him to talk to his dad directly and see if he can patch things up or at least understand where his dad was coming from. He should also speak about what is on his heart and share how he felt neglected growing up, and how that's creating a block for him in their relationship now. I think it's great that your niece wants to be of support, but I would caution her against taking on too much, so that she doesn't become resentful, too. It isn’t fair that everything should fall on her shoulders, so perhaps working on some kind of schedule could help set boundaries and alleviate the inevitable stress of this situation. All of this takes transparent and honest communication. If this is overwhelming, see if your brother can connect with a social worker who can help. This isn’t your burden to carry alone, so don’t be afraid to get the support you need as you walk this road. Good luck to you.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.
Follow her on Instagram and TikTok
@NatalieBencivenga
Check out her NEW podcast: “In Other News” at
NEXTpittsburgh.com or on your favorite podcast
streaming site.