DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been together since we were in high school. We followed a typical path of going to college, getting married, buying a house, and having two beautiful kids who are now ages eight and 10. Our marriage is perfectly pleasant and I’m grateful to have a rock-solid partner to raise my children and do the hard life stuff with, but it’s not electric, and I’m wanting more from our sex life. I guess the monotony is normal, but I can’t help but think about what I’m missing out on by having only been with the same person for pretty much my entire life. We moved to a conservative suburb because of the school district, but have open-minded friends (a couple of whom may be swingers) that live in the nearby city. How can I talk to him about opening things up? How can I remember that I’m still hot, even if I feel stuck in the high school sweetheart mom zone? –BRING BACK THE SPARK 

DEAR BRING BACK THE SPARK: Before you start tossing your keys in a bowl, take a step back here. You may think you want to go from zero to 60 in under a second, but how does your husband feel about all of this? Have you discussed with him where you are emotionally and sexually? Does he feel the same or is he content as is? Baby steps might be a better path forward than mentioning swinging out the gate. If you think the passion has waned, why not look into ways to spice it up between the two of you first? If you aren’t comfortable verbalizing your feelings, you could write them down and then swap them with each other to see where there are points of intersection, to begin with. He may feel the same way but has been afraid to tell you. No one wants to feel as if they haven’t fulfilled their partner sexually, so tread lightly. Share what your interests are. If you don’t know them, take some time to research. Have fun with that part together! Then, if after doing some exploration things still aren’t where you want them to be, consider a therapist that specializes in sexual health. They may be able to illuminate the path in new ways so that you can have a happy and fulfilling sex life. I think it is great that you want to work on this aspect of your marriage. What we water is what blooms. 

DEAR NATALIE: My son graduated from high school last year and decided to take time off before going to college. He’s an incredible actor and wants to pursue it as a career. He works at a bar now and is getting involved with local theater companies. He says he doesn’t want to go into debt going to school, so he’s not rushing into the process. I get that the price of college is totally unreasonable and nerve-wracking to commit to. Because I don’t work in the theater world, I don’t have enough experience with the industry to know about a college track versus a DIY track. I want to support him, but I don’t want him to get stuck working in bars forever and let his talent get put on the back burner. Also, it makes me so angry that if cost were not an issue, who knows where he could be right now? The position this generation is in is completely unfair and I feel helpless. How can I advise him? How can I trust that he’ll end up where he needs to be, wherever that is?

–I BELIEVE IN HIM

DEAR I BELIEVE IN HIM: There’s nothing wrong with pursuing a dream and paying the bills while you work towards your goals. There could be an argument here for having a backup plan. Why doesn’t he continue to pursue acting, but also take some courses at a community college (which costs less than a traditional university) so that if he wants to build up a second career, he has some credentials to do so? There are a lot of ways to make a living in this world, and I would also encourage him to work on his social media presence if he hasn’t started doing so. People are being discovered on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, and having a social media presence makes you more appealing in the theatrical world, as well. Taking a three-prong approach may take more time and energy, but if he has to hustle (and who doesn’t these days?) it might as well be toward his larger dream.  

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband has been cheating on me for months. He works in sales and travels a lot overseas. While he was in Italy, he “fell in love” and has been having an affair while there. I found out when he came back and wouldn’t sleep with me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he wouldn’t want to “hurt her.” I said, “Who?” Then, he told me what happened. He’s done this before and I’ve taken him back because of my religious faith and belief in him. But this time is different. He doesn't want to work on our marriage anymore. We’ve been together for 20 years. I am heartbroken. To make matters worse, he is flying this woman here and wants to stay in our home with her. He said they will stay in our basement (it’s a finished basement with its own bedroom and bathroom). When I balked at this, he went ballistic on me and told me to “forgive.” I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t feel like I should have to move out of our home and I certainly don’t want her here. Any ideas on how to navigate this? –BROKEN HEARTED 

DEAR BROKEN HEARTED: Please do not let this man and this belief system gaslight you into thinking that you are in the wrong here. He is the one who broke his sacred vows and ruined your marriage with his lies. I have always believed that if you are unhappy, either go to counseling or break up. Do not cheat. That’s like pouring salt on a wound and wondering why it hurts ten times more. He needs to move out and you need to find a good lawyer. Don’t leave the house. You have every right to tell him that you do not want her to stay in your house. They can get a hotel. Don’t engage with him further. I would contact a lawyer today and ask them what to do in this situation. At the same time, you need to start thinking about what you want. It is your time to move forward and work on healing from the abuse of this marriage. It is time to reconsider the belief system that made you think that your value was only tied to being a wife who accepts whatever is thrown at her, without any consideration for her feelings. You deserve peace. You deserve so much better. I hope you find the strength to stand your ground and kick him to the curb. Arrivederci! 

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I moved to Pittsburgh recently. We are middle-aged and both work in office settings. She has seemed to have no trouble making new friends, and is regularly out and about with them, doing yoga, going to restaurants, or going to see sports and theater. She has great social skills. That’s one of the reasons I love her. She is really funny and smart – and I think these things are also true about myself. At least that’s what my wife tells me. But I can’t seem to make connections like she has been able to. Are men just more closed off? I can have a beer with someone after work and enjoy that brief time, but I’m looking for a more meaningful, deep friendship the way I see she has been able to make them. Any thoughts on how to make friends after 40? –WOULD LIKE NEW FRIENDS 

DEAR WOULD LIKE NEW FRIENDS: The amazing Jane Fonda recently said in an interview that men sit next to each other and look straight ahead – while women face each other and look into one another’s eyes. Stay with me. She was talking about how men are often together, but not as present or involved as women are with one another. Making male friends takes a little more time and effort since men in our culture aren’t socialized to be relational. I applaud you for wanting to branch out and expand your social circle. We all need multiple emotionally fulfilling relationships to be our best selves. The best way to do this is to just try. Your wife seems to invite others out for social activities. You can do that, too. Outside of meeting for a beer, what are things you enjoy? It may take time to find a few male friends who respond, but I think the world is changing. Men want to have meaningful relationships, and whether or not our society is giving them permission for their full spectrum of emotional experiences, they are tapping into them on their own terms. Perhaps your wife could set up a group date with other husbands of her new friends? This may be an easy way to connect with people that you can get to know over a meal or during a social event once or twice a month. Tell people what you want. If there are a few guys that you click with, let them know you are new to town and if they want to hang out more, you would enjoy that! Being vulnerable is often what prevents us from overcoming obstacles. It’s scary to put yourself out there. But, realistically, what do you have to lose?

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DEAR NATALIE: My daughter and her boyfriend recently bought an RV to renovate and drive across the country. I’m glad that she’s so free-spirited, but I can’t help but worry about what she’ll do in the long run. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in getting a stable job, buying property, and settling down like my husband and I did. She always tells me that her generation won’t have the luxury of ever retiring anyway, so they might as well live how they want to now. She seems deeply afraid of the future, and a bit nihilistic about it all. She doesn’t even want to have children because she thinks they’ll be too burdened with the problems of climate change. I think she’s being dramatic. I know we grew up in different worlds, but I think the economy and government will become stable again just like they always have. I’m not very political, so I don’t like to argue with her, but I think this generation has too much distrust in the government even though she seems perfectly happy to get her food stamps and get free health care. How can I encourage her to prepare for the real world? How can I change her mind about all of this negativity? – WORRIED MOTHER 

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: While I understand your concerns, the world your daughter is inheriting – and those coming up younger than her – is going to look drastically different from the world you know. Climate change is here, it’s causing severe problems and it will only get worse as long as multinational corporations and governments continue to ignore, belittle and debate what is happening. You may not be into politics, but politics is infiltrating every aspect of your life, including that of your relationship with your daughter. And while I believe her nihilism is rooted in reality, as we all know, that way of thinking will get us nowhere. Instead of criticizing her for these feelings, why not ask her to engage in some form of service that could uplift you both and create a point of connection? Right now she may want that sense of the open road, but eventually, she may want to settle down. Will she be in a position to buy property? Who knows. I don’t know many who are right now, and they have stable jobs. While we don’t know what the future may bring, we can work on things within our control and how you show up in your relationship with her is one of them. Try asking her openly and without judgment how she feels she is contributing to building a better world. You may be surprised by her answer. Talk to her about her passions, see where you intersect, and find a volunteer opportunity where you can both feel good and do good together. Build on that. 

DEAR NATALIE: Our family’s dog was recently hit by a car and tragically killed. Our young kids (ages four and seven) are heartbroken, as are my partner and I. We got this dog early in our relationship, and while she was older, she would have had a long beautiful life to live. My kids are ready for a new dog because they miss their friend, but my partner and I aren’t ready to move on yet. We don’t want the new dog to feel like a replacement, and we think this wound needs to heal a bit before we welcome a new animal into our lives. We don’t have time to train a puppy, and need to reassess what kind of dog makes the most sense for our lifestyle now. Honestly, another dog may not make sense anytime soon, which is painful for us to admit. In the meantime, we are trying to get our kids to spend time with other family friends’ dogs to ease their pain. How can we know when the time is right to get a new dog, or even consider bringing another "fur-ever" friend into our lives? – SAD OVER FUR BABY

DEAR SAD OVE FUR BABY: I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your pet. Our furry friends become family members and it can be devastating to lose someone so dear to you. I always think that animals mark chapters in our lives and this kind of loss can stir up a lot of feelings about ourselves, our past and our paths. Take the time you need. Your children are small and while they may be ready, you are the adults in the home. In the meantime, I think you have the right idea by letting them spend time with friends who have pets. Fostering a pet could be another way of bridging the gap – but I don’t know how attached littles may get to a pet that they can’t keep, so maybe save that idea for when they are both a bit bigger. If and when the time is right, you will know. This is what a lot of my friends have said to me over the years after losing a pet and, in time, getting a new one. Grief is an ongoing process, but time can be a great healer. Your desire comes back to both help an animal in need, and to have that type of love and affection once more. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga