DEAR NATALIE: My husband has been cheating on me for months. He works in sales and travels a lot overseas. While he was in Italy, he “fell in love” and has been having an affair while there. I found out when he came back and wouldn’t sleep with me. I asked him what was wrong and he said he wouldn’t want to “hurt her.” I said, “Who?” Then, he told me what happened. He’s done this before and I’ve taken him back because of my religious faith and belief in him. But this time is different. He doesn't want to work on our marriage anymore. We’ve been together for 20 years. I am heartbroken. To make matters worse, he is flying this woman here and wants to stay in our home with her. He said they will stay in our basement (it’s a finished basement with its own bedroom and bathroom). When I balked at this, he went ballistic on me and told me to “forgive.” I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t feel like I should have to move out of our home and I certainly don’t want her here. Any ideas on how to navigate this? –BROKEN HEARTED 

DEAR BROKEN HEARTED: Please do not let this man and this belief system gaslight you into thinking that you are in the wrong here. He is the one who broke his sacred vows and ruined your marriage with his lies. I have always believed that if you are unhappy, either go to counseling or break up. Do not cheat. That’s like pouring salt on a wound and wondering why it hurts ten times more. He needs to move out and you need to find a good lawyer. Don’t leave the house. You have every right to tell him that you do not want her to stay in your house. They can get a hotel. Don’t engage with him further. I would contact a lawyer today and ask them what to do in this situation. At the same time, you need to start thinking about what you want. It is your time to move forward and work on healing from the abuse of this marriage. It is time to reconsider the belief system that made you think that your value was only tied to being a wife who accepts whatever is thrown at her, without any consideration for her feelings. You deserve peace. You deserve so much better. I hope you find the strength to stand your ground and kick him to the curb. Arrivederci! 

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I moved to Pittsburgh recently. We are middle-aged and both work in office settings. She has seemed to have no trouble making new friends, and is regularly out and about with them, doing yoga, going to restaurants, or going to see sports and theater. She has great social skills. That’s one of the reasons I love her. She is really funny and smart – and I think these things are also true about myself. At least that’s what my wife tells me. But I can’t seem to make connections like she has been able to. Are men just more closed off? I can have a beer with someone after work and enjoy that brief time, but I’m looking for a more meaningful, deep friendship the way I see she has been able to make them. Any thoughts on how to make friends after 40? –WOULD LIKE NEW FRIENDS 

DEAR WOULD LIKE NEW FRIENDS: The amazing Jane Fonda recently said in an interview that men sit next to each other and look straight ahead – while women face each other and look into one another’s eyes. Stay with me. She was talking about how men are often together, but not as present or involved as women are with one another. Making male friends takes a little more time and effort since men in our culture aren’t socialized to be relational. I applaud you for wanting to branch out and expand your social circle. We all need multiple emotionally fulfilling relationships to be our best selves. The best way to do this is to just try. Your wife seems to invite others out for social activities. You can do that, too. Outside of meeting for a beer, what are things you enjoy? It may take time to find a few male friends who respond, but I think the world is changing. Men want to have meaningful relationships, and whether or not our society is giving them permission for their full spectrum of emotional experiences, they are tapping into them on their own terms. Perhaps your wife could set up a group date with other husbands of her new friends? This may be an easy way to connect with people that you can get to know over a meal or during a social event once or twice a month. Tell people what you want. If there are a few guys that you click with, let them know you are new to town and if they want to hang out more, you would enjoy that! Being vulnerable is often what prevents us from overcoming obstacles. It’s scary to put yourself out there. But, realistically, what do you have to lose?

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DEAR NATALIE: My daughter and her boyfriend recently bought an RV to renovate and drive across the country. I’m glad that she’s so free-spirited, but I can’t help but worry about what she’ll do in the long run. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in getting a stable job, buying property, and settling down like my husband and I did. She always tells me that her generation won’t have the luxury of ever retiring anyway, so they might as well live how they want to now. She seems deeply afraid of the future, and a bit nihilistic about it all. She doesn’t even want to have children because she thinks they’ll be too burdened with the problems of climate change. I think she’s being dramatic. I know we grew up in different worlds, but I think the economy and government will become stable again just like they always have. I’m not very political, so I don’t like to argue with her, but I think this generation has too much distrust in the government even though she seems perfectly happy to get her food stamps and get free health care. How can I encourage her to prepare for the real world? How can I change her mind about all of this negativity? – WORRIED MOTHER 

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: While I understand your concerns, the world your daughter is inheriting – and those coming up younger than her – is going to look drastically different from the world you know. Climate change is here, it’s causing severe problems and it will only get worse as long as multinational corporations and governments continue to ignore, belittle and debate what is happening. You may not be into politics, but politics is infiltrating every aspect of your life, including that of your relationship with your daughter. And while I believe her nihilism is rooted in reality, as we all know, that way of thinking will get us nowhere. Instead of criticizing her for these feelings, why not ask her to engage in some form of service that could uplift you both and create a point of connection? Right now she may want that sense of the open road, but eventually, she may want to settle down. Will she be in a position to buy property? Who knows. I don’t know many who are right now, and they have stable jobs. While we don’t know what the future may bring, we can work on things within our control and how you show up in your relationship with her is one of them. Try asking her openly and without judgment how she feels she is contributing to building a better world. You may be surprised by her answer. Talk to her about her passions, see where you intersect, and find a volunteer opportunity where you can both feel good and do good together. Build on that. 

DEAR NATALIE: Our family’s dog was recently hit by a car and tragically killed. Our young kids (ages four and seven) are heartbroken, as are my partner and I. We got this dog early in our relationship, and while she was older, she would have had a long beautiful life to live. My kids are ready for a new dog because they miss their friend, but my partner and I aren’t ready to move on yet. We don’t want the new dog to feel like a replacement, and we think this wound needs to heal a bit before we welcome a new animal into our lives. We don’t have time to train a puppy, and need to reassess what kind of dog makes the most sense for our lifestyle now. Honestly, another dog may not make sense anytime soon, which is painful for us to admit. In the meantime, we are trying to get our kids to spend time with other family friends’ dogs to ease their pain. How can we know when the time is right to get a new dog, or even consider bringing another "fur-ever" friend into our lives? – SAD OVER FUR BABY

DEAR SAD OVE FUR BABY: I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your pet. Our furry friends become family members and it can be devastating to lose someone so dear to you. I always think that animals mark chapters in our lives and this kind of loss can stir up a lot of feelings about ourselves, our past and our paths. Take the time you need. Your children are small and while they may be ready, you are the adults in the home. In the meantime, I think you have the right idea by letting them spend time with friends who have pets. Fostering a pet could be another way of bridging the gap – but I don’t know how attached littles may get to a pet that they can’t keep, so maybe save that idea for when they are both a bit bigger. If and when the time is right, you will know. This is what a lot of my friends have said to me over the years after losing a pet and, in time, getting a new one. Grief is an ongoing process, but time can be a great healer. Your desire comes back to both help an animal in need, and to have that type of love and affection once more. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My wife has been ill for some time and while I love her deeply, we aren’t able to be intimate at this point in our lives. The thought of not having sex for months – or even years – has me incredibly nervous. Trying to be proactive, I started looking online for sex dolls. I thought this would be a fine compromise. I ordered one recently and while I haven’t had the nerve yet to engage with it, I’m more anxious about telling my wife that it exists. We don’t sleep in the same bedroom due to her health issues, but I am honestly feeling like having ordered the doll makes me a “cheater.” I think telling her would hurt her feelings. At the same time, I don’t want to hide things from her. Only my best friend knows and he said it’s not a big deal and that I shouldn’t tell her. He’s divorced, so it's easy for him to say. I don’t know how long my wife has left and I don’t want to feel even worse about her situation than I know she already does. What should I do? – SEX DOLL OR DON’T

DEAR SEX DOLL OR DON’T: I am so sorry to hear about your wife and what this has done to your marriage. I feel for both of you. It is important to remember, however, that your sexuality belongs to you. Having sexual desires is a part of being human, and is nothing to be ashamed of. While we share ourselves with our partners, you still belong to you. What do you consider cheating? Does this object keep you from cheating? In the past, how have you communicated about your sex life together? These are a few of the questions that swirled through my mind after reading your letter. The boundaries you set up in your marriage are the ones that will help you answer these questions. If you tell her and she says not to use it, then what? Would you use it behind her back? Would that cause you or her harm if you did? Is it fair for her to even make that demand on you? While she is sick, she must understand that you have needs. As long as you are attentive and loving when you spend time with her and don’t allow this object to come between you, what is the harm? If you don’t tell her, will you feel guilty? Will that guilt lead you to tell her, anyway? It sounds as though you care deeply for your wife and love her. Just be honest with her about where you are. She may feel sad or rejected. She may feel hurt that she isn’t able to give to you in that way. She may feel relief. You really won’t know until you discuss it. Put it on the table and see what happens. The conversation – not the doll.   

DEAR NATALIE: My husband, Dylan, was caught cheating on me by his brother. Dylan had taken his girlfriend out to dinner and his brother happened to be at the restaurant. His brother assumed they were just friends and so he told me what he saw. When I confronted my husband, he broke down and admitted that he has been seeing this other woman for three years. Three. Years. We’ve been married 12 years and I thought we were happy. We have two little girls. Needless to say, I am heartbroken and disgusted that he could lie to me for so long. What’s worse, the woman didn’t know about me. When she found out, she dumped him. I know all of this to be true because she called me to apologize. She was furious with Dylan. He travels a lot for work so I assumed his business dinners or weekends away from the family were for work. Many of them were not. Now that she has left him, he is begging me for a second chance. I am torn. I am so hurt and furious with him, but I still love him and I am thinking of our children. What should I do? My friends think I’m crazy for even considering it. What do you think? – IN LOVE LIMBO

DEAR IN LOVE LIMBO: No one should dictate how you want to approach your marriage or his infidelity. If you feel as though you need to try all the options before deciding whether to stay or go, then do that. Go to therapy. Make sure he does, too. Try couples counseling. Have the hard conversations. Take a family vacation. Do whatever it is that you need to do to feel as though you have regained some power here. Remember, he’s the one that needs to prove to you that things can be different. What led him to cheat in the first place, and can those conditions change in the future? What concerns me is not only that he had a years-long affair, but that he lied to both of you about it. This duplicity is a huge red flag for me. I'm glad you recognize that his (now ex) girlfriend is your ally, not your enemy, in this. You deserve to have control in terms of what happens next. The words “I’m sorry” are easy to say. Repairing the damage and rebuilding trust takes a lot longer. Let’s see if he can actually walk the walk. In the meantime, he needs to walk over to the couch where he will be sleeping for the foreseeable future. But, if it was me? All his clothes would be on the front lawn by now. And I’d be running the mower.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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Follow her on Twitter

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Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

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