DEAR NATALIE: This is the first holiday season that my partner is sober. I want to make sure they’re comfortable – I’m willing to not drink so that they don’t feel like they’re the only one that’s off the booze, but I can’t speak for the rest of my family. We are a big New Year’s Eve family and we all get together. It can get pretty wild and there is a lot of alcohol flowing. We skipped Christmas this year because it felt critical to take it easy and avoid potential triggers for my partner, and now I’m feeling like doing the same for NYE. However, my family was pretty mad that we didn’t make it to Christmas and my mother is insisting that we attend NYE. How do I explain to them that I don’t want my partner around a bunch of drunk people? I don’t want to be rude or impose my value system, but I am just doing this as an act of love and protection for them. Any ideas on how to navigate? My partner tells me I am overreacting and they are “fine” but I worry regardless. – SOBER NEW YEAR

DEAR SOBER NEW YEAR: How about a compromise? I applaud you for wanting to be there for your partner and for feeling protective, but it is their job to handle their sobriety – not yours. If you push too hard, you can end up policing them, which isn’t a good look, either. There are support groups out there for family and friends whose world has been rocked by addiction to look into, as well. Now, putting all of that aside for a moment, you could still go to New Year’s Eve, but just stay for an hour. Pop in, say hello, drop off holiday gifts, make the rounds and sip a soda — then head out. Be clear with your mother about why you are cutting the trip short if you haven’t already explained. If they don’t understand or are still miffed, that’s on them. Your partner’s health is the priority here, and I applaud you for standing in solidarity. Just make sure you do it in a way that is healthy for you, and remember that they have agency around this as well.

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a young, healthy person that works in food service and has a couple of creative side hustles. I’m around a lot of people at my job, although I wear a mask. I’m frustrated, especially as it gets colder out and activities shift to inside, that people seem like they’re totally done with wearing masks everywhere I go. We know that the government won’t take care of us. Companies don’t care. How can I continue to live safely without totally socially isolating myself? How can I deal with the ongoing trauma of the time we’re living in?  – COVID NIGHTMARE

DEAR COVID NIGHTMARE: It is beyond frustrating to watch what has happened in this country – and around the world – over the past three years. We cannot individually save ourselves in the midst of a public health crisis. And yes, it is a crisis. We now know the long-term ramifications of long-COVID and the dangers of reinfection. We are now seeing surges in the flu as well as other respiratory viruses like RSV. We know our hospital systems are at a breaking point. We know that our healthcare system is broken with millions uninsured or underinsured. All of this impacts who gets treatment and how. None of this is new. What is new is this sheer lack of public interest, and collective gaslighting we experience when the world moves forward so unsafely. So what is a person to do? Instead of throwing your hands up and giving up, double down. I still wear my mask everywhere in public, whether it’s to my yoga class or grocery store. I avoid large gatherings in person when I can. I’ve given up on caring what other people think. I have immunocompromised people in my life. I want to keep them and myself safe and well as best I can. I can’t control what others do – and neither can you. All you can do at this point is mitigate risk, find others who are doing the same, and create safer ways to connect. For example, I’m incredibly particular about eating indoors during the winter. I won’t go to crowded restaurants. For the most part, I order takeout and invite friends over if we want to hang out. We do outdoor activities whenever possible, and I surround myself with people who accept me as I am. Don’t get it twisted. I don’t “enjoy” wearing a mask, but I look at it as a simple, effective and easy measure to reduce the risk of infection. If we can all just do this a little bit more, maybe we can make it through this winter unscathed. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I want to bring my new girlfriend to my family’s Christmas gathering. They’re accepting of me, but they treat me like the "token gay" of the family. They often want to talk about traumatic events in the news and homophobic legislation, as if I have all of the answers. I don’t want to miss a teaching moment where my queerness can help them expand their minds, but it’s also exhausting. Ruling out any political conversation isn’t my goal, but I wish they’d talk about “regular” things like they do with my other (straight) family members, especially when a new partner is around. How can I move through conversation this holiday season with all of them, and with her? – EXHAUSTED AT THE HOLIDAYS

DEAR EXHAUSTED AT THE HOLIDAYS: One thing I have learned through the years is that setting boundaries is a must, no matter what the relationship. You are allowed to feel this way and you are allowed to just be. It is not the job of queer people to educated straight people on these issues. You can gently bring this up the next time a conversation gets going around topics that you are too tired to dig into. Saying something like, “I appreciate your interest in these issues and in my life. But, having to play the role of the only person who can explain these deep and complex topics gets exhausting after a while. I would love to just have a relaxing day where we talk about other things that are a little lighter to carry.” See what they say. Most likely, they are bringing up these topics in an attempt to show you that they care about you and want to connect to you. Bringing this to their attention may surprise them – they may feel a little embarrassed – but the moment will pass and you can get back to what matters around the holidays – arguing over which classic holiday movie to play on repeat. 

DEAR NATALIE: This is the first holiday season since my partner and I broke up. We were together for four years and everyone was assuming we were going to get engaged this holiday. Well, instead of an engagement, I found out he was cheating. Not only had he been cheating, but he had been with this other woman for a whole year – and she didn’t know anything about me. When I found out, I confronted her and she was so angry with him. We both dumped him and have now become friends. My family, however, is very traditional and felt as though we should have “worked things through.” I am dreading going home over the holidays because I know my single-status will be the talk of the family. Any advice on how to navigate these waters? I will never get back with him and have no interest in dating anyone right now. Thoughts on how to deal with my family? – HOLIDAY FOR ONE DEAR HOLIDAY FOR ONE: First off, good for you for drawing a line in the sand as it pertains to what you will and will not accept in your relationships. He crossed the line, you let him go. Further, it is impressive that not only did you connect with the woman he was seeing, but that you both left him and became allies for each other. I love to see this level of connectedness among women. Why should either of you put up with a liar and a cheater? He has work to do and you don’t have time to waste. Now, as far as your family goes, this may be a conversation to have ahead of time. Who is the person who makes news travel the fastest? Usually it's a matriarchal figure. Perhaps your mother, aunt or grandmother will do the trick. Whoever it is that will lend a sympathetic ear and has the family on speed dial – reach out to them first. Let them know about your anxiety around the holiday and your breakup. Garner some sympathy. Tell them that while you want to come, you won’t want to discuss your breakup. You don’t want the focus to be on you and this situation. You want to have a great day with the family and keep it focused on the occasion, not your love life. If people can’t respect that, you may have to cut the visit short. People often don’t recognize how the holidays – while a joyful time for some – can be a stress ball for others. Acknowledge where you are, create a boundary for yourself and stick to it. If someone does bring it up at the party, simply say, “That’s in the past and I’m moving forward happy and healthy. I have nothing else to say about it.” Leave it at that. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing here.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: No one likes my sister’s new boyfriend but she’s insisting on bringing him to our family Christmas gathering. He’s obnoxious, loud and argumentative. On top of that, they insist on being all over each other and it grosses everyone out. My mom and I were complaining about it to our dad the other day. He said, “If no one likes him, why did we invite him?” Obviously because we want my sister to be there. She doesn’t know that everyone is bothered by him. Do you think there is a tactful way of saying: “We don’t want him there?” They’ve only been together six months. How can we work around this? –SISTER SAGA

DEAR SISTER SAGA: The reality is, you better have a chair with his name on it come this holiday. Here’s why: The more you share your dislike for him, the more you will push her right into his arms. Sounds like she is still in the honeymoon phase wearing some thick rose-colored glasses. Instead of “un”-inviting him, you could tell them to come an hour later so you can have a little respite – and some time to hit the eggnog – before their arrival. You don’t have to like him. You just have to tolerate him for a few hours. And who knows? Maybe a few hours with the family is just what she needs to see to realize that he might not be a fit in the long run. Just let it be her idea. 

DEAR NATALIE: My dad died recently and unexpectedly. He was the rock of the family and I’m not sure how to go on without him in my life. He was my best friend. Since his death, my family has been trying to push through the holidays, but I have no interest in celebrating them. My mother says it’ll be healing to have the whole family around, but I don’t know if I have it in me to sit there, knowing that he isn’t going to be at the table. My older sister says that I’m being selfish and not recognizing that my mom needs support, too. Knowing that just makes me feel even more depressed. I don’t know what to do to get out of this headspace, but I’m just not feeling the holidays at all this year. Can I just cancel Christmas? –BAH HUMBUG 

DEAR BAH HUMBUG: My dad died three years ago and I know how this feels. The first set of holidays felt like some weird blur – like a bad, foggy dream we were all stuck in. I felt like I couldn’t think or see clearly for a long time. Therapy helped. Being around people who loved me helped. Moping helped, too. The reality is, no one can dictate your grieving process for you. It is fine if you want to sit this one out. It is fine if you want to go visit your mom for an hour beforehand or if you want to share another day with her that week that isn’t so emotionally charged. What’s funny is that as you move through the process, you will notice that some holidays will be easy. Other days – random sunny or rainy days – will trigger your sadness. And that’s okay, too. It isn’t linear. I don’t think we ever get over the death of loved ones. Instead, we simply grow around the grief. Do what you need to do to get through the day. You may feel differently next week or the morning of. Give yourself space and grace. But please don’t feel like you can’t reach out to either a friend, a family member or a professional who can walk the road with you. Your dad would want you to live your life fully.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci

Check out her weekly shows

“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

Instagram: @NatalieBencivenga