DEAR NATALIE: I want to bring my new girlfriend to my family’s Christmas gathering. They’re accepting of me, but they treat me like the "token gay" of the family. They often want to talk about traumatic events in the news and homophobic legislation, as if I have all of the answers. I don’t want to miss a teaching moment where my queerness can help them expand their minds, but it’s also exhausting. Ruling out any political conversation isn’t my goal, but I wish they’d talk about “regular” things like they do with my other (straight) family members, especially when a new partner is around. How can I move through conversation this holiday season with all of them, and with her? – EXHAUSTED AT THE HOLIDAYS

DEAR EXHAUSTED AT THE HOLIDAYS: One thing I have learned through the years is that setting boundaries is a must, no matter what the relationship. You are allowed to feel this way and you are allowed to just be. It is not the job of queer people to educated straight people on these issues. You can gently bring this up the next time a conversation gets going around topics that you are too tired to dig into. Saying something like, “I appreciate your interest in these issues and in my life. But, having to play the role of the only person who can explain these deep and complex topics gets exhausting after a while. I would love to just have a relaxing day where we talk about other things that are a little lighter to carry.” See what they say. Most likely, they are bringing up these topics in an attempt to show you that they care about you and want to connect to you. Bringing this to their attention may surprise them – they may feel a little embarrassed – but the moment will pass and you can get back to what matters around the holidays – arguing over which classic holiday movie to play on repeat. 

DEAR NATALIE: This is the first holiday season since my partner and I broke up. We were together for four years and everyone was assuming we were going to get engaged this holiday. Well, instead of an engagement, I found out he was cheating. Not only had he been cheating, but he had been with this other woman for a whole year – and she didn’t know anything about me. When I found out, I confronted her and she was so angry with him. We both dumped him and have now become friends. My family, however, is very traditional and felt as though we should have “worked things through.” I am dreading going home over the holidays because I know my single-status will be the talk of the family. Any advice on how to navigate these waters? I will never get back with him and have no interest in dating anyone right now. Thoughts on how to deal with my family? – HOLIDAY FOR ONE DEAR HOLIDAY FOR ONE: First off, good for you for drawing a line in the sand as it pertains to what you will and will not accept in your relationships. He crossed the line, you let him go. Further, it is impressive that not only did you connect with the woman he was seeing, but that you both left him and became allies for each other. I love to see this level of connectedness among women. Why should either of you put up with a liar and a cheater? He has work to do and you don’t have time to waste. Now, as far as your family goes, this may be a conversation to have ahead of time. Who is the person who makes news travel the fastest? Usually it's a matriarchal figure. Perhaps your mother, aunt or grandmother will do the trick. Whoever it is that will lend a sympathetic ear and has the family on speed dial – reach out to them first. Let them know about your anxiety around the holiday and your breakup. Garner some sympathy. Tell them that while you want to come, you won’t want to discuss your breakup. You don’t want the focus to be on you and this situation. You want to have a great day with the family and keep it focused on the occasion, not your love life. If people can’t respect that, you may have to cut the visit short. People often don’t recognize how the holidays – while a joyful time for some – can be a stress ball for others. Acknowledge where you are, create a boundary for yourself and stick to it. If someone does bring it up at the party, simply say, “That’s in the past and I’m moving forward happy and healthy. I have nothing else to say about it.” Leave it at that. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing here.

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DEAR NATALIE: No one likes my sister’s new boyfriend but she’s insisting on bringing him to our family Christmas gathering. He’s obnoxious, loud and argumentative. On top of that, they insist on being all over each other and it grosses everyone out. My mom and I were complaining about it to our dad the other day. He said, “If no one likes him, why did we invite him?” Obviously because we want my sister to be there. She doesn’t know that everyone is bothered by him. Do you think there is a tactful way of saying: “We don’t want him there?” They’ve only been together six months. How can we work around this? –SISTER SAGA

DEAR SISTER SAGA: The reality is, you better have a chair with his name on it come this holiday. Here’s why: The more you share your dislike for him, the more you will push her right into his arms. Sounds like she is still in the honeymoon phase wearing some thick rose-colored glasses. Instead of “un”-inviting him, you could tell them to come an hour later so you can have a little respite – and some time to hit the eggnog – before their arrival. You don’t have to like him. You just have to tolerate him for a few hours. And who knows? Maybe a few hours with the family is just what she needs to see to realize that he might not be a fit in the long run. Just let it be her idea. 

DEAR NATALIE: My dad died recently and unexpectedly. He was the rock of the family and I’m not sure how to go on without him in my life. He was my best friend. Since his death, my family has been trying to push through the holidays, but I have no interest in celebrating them. My mother says it’ll be healing to have the whole family around, but I don’t know if I have it in me to sit there, knowing that he isn’t going to be at the table. My older sister says that I’m being selfish and not recognizing that my mom needs support, too. Knowing that just makes me feel even more depressed. I don’t know what to do to get out of this headspace, but I’m just not feeling the holidays at all this year. Can I just cancel Christmas? –BAH HUMBUG 

DEAR BAH HUMBUG: My dad died three years ago and I know how this feels. The first set of holidays felt like some weird blur – like a bad, foggy dream we were all stuck in. I felt like I couldn’t think or see clearly for a long time. Therapy helped. Being around people who loved me helped. Moping helped, too. The reality is, no one can dictate your grieving process for you. It is fine if you want to sit this one out. It is fine if you want to go visit your mom for an hour beforehand or if you want to share another day with her that week that isn’t so emotionally charged. What’s funny is that as you move through the process, you will notice that some holidays will be easy. Other days – random sunny or rainy days – will trigger your sadness. And that’s okay, too. It isn’t linear. I don’t think we ever get over the death of loved ones. Instead, we simply grow around the grief. Do what you need to do to get through the day. You may feel differently next week or the morning of. Give yourself space and grace. But please don’t feel like you can’t reach out to either a friend, a family member or a professional who can walk the road with you. Your dad would want you to live your life fully.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I recently discovered that my business partner has been stealing from me for years. I found out because my son-in-law – who is also an accountant – offered to handle my taxes this year. I admit that I don’t keep as good of a record of everything as I should. He quickly realized that my partner – who has access to all of the accounts – was skimming money off the top. I never noticed because while I look regularly, I don’t do a deep dive very often. He was just taking a little at a time, randomly, so that’s partly why I didn’t catch on. I confronted him. He didn’t even act apologetic. He said he would do it when I “annoyed him.” This guy has known me for 20 years. I was shocked that he would do this to me since we’ve been friends for so long. My son-in-law said I should terminate our partnership immediately. I have mixed feelings. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I know that what he did was wrong. Am I crazy for just trusting him and moving forward? –BAD PARTNER

DEAR BAD PARTNER: You know that old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me"? You may be living that shortly if you don’t pull it together. Your friend of 20 years stole from you. Doesn’t matter why. Doesn’t matter how much. He stole from you. Are you willing to move beyond this and put nothing in place so that it doesn’t happen again? I wonder what this says about your sense of self-worth. Do you think so little of yourself that you'd allow someone to walk all over you, laugh in your face about it, and not even promise to stop stealing from you? Sit with that for a moment. If you don’t want to dissolve the business, at the very least, you need to remove his access to the accounts. Your son-in-law can set up payroll if that’s not in place, but he should not have direct access to funds anymore. I would also ask yourself how he would respond if the shoe was on the other foot. Would he be so conciliatory? Would he be showing such quick forgiveness? And why are you?

DEAR NATALIE: My kids are in their early 20s and have been estranged from me and their stepmother for about five years. During my divorce from their mother, there was a lot of negativity spewed at me – they were truly manipulated by their mother to turn on me. It's been incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I didn't see my kids much when they were teens because of their mother, but I have always financially supported them. I have an 11-year-old daughter with my second wife, and the three of us are happy. My older kids still won’t speak to me, but they are finally starting to speak to their sister via text and FaceTime. She wants to invite them for Christmas, but my wife is worried that they won’t show. She doesn’t want our daughter to be hurt, and she feels they owe me an apology for cutting me out of their lives. I think we should just see what happens. I think if they show up at Christmas, there could be a chance for reconciliation, and I don’t want to ruin that. My wife feels like there needs to be a conversation prior to Christmas. She doesn’t want a bunch of drama. What do you think we should do? — DAD WANTS PEACE

DEAR DAD WANTS PEACE: While I empathize with your wife in this situation and recognize that she is just looking out for you, she needs to let this unfold naturally. If the kids are willing to come around for the holidays, let’s see what happens. If you start with an apology, they may let their guard down and share what has been on their minds. If you demand a “sit down” discussion before the holiday, they may shut down. Your youngest daughter is the one with the most to lose right now. She is also the one least equipped to handle all of this emotional turmoil. So for her sake, tread lightly. It sounds as though there is a lot of pent-up emotional trauma on both sides. Instead of trying to unpack that the first time you are back together, just have some fun together. Keep it light, and work towards a reconciliation one text, one visit, one dinner at a time. I wish you the best! 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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Follow her on Twitter

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“Ask Natalie” and “Facts Over Fear” on

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